DEAR ABBY: How can I set healthy boundaries with my best friend without feeling guilty? I have always been supportive and available because I sympathized with her difficult family dynamics during childhood and adulthood. She often talks to me about her problems with family and ever-changing relationships with men, but rarely allows me or others to share their points of view or personal concerns. Saying "no" to her is challenging under any circumstance, and she demands that all focus be on her in social situations.

I love and accept my friend as she is, and I try to give her all the grace I have. I now realize that setting healthy boundaries is the only way I can sustain our friendship. I know this dynamic may put a strain on our relationship, so why do I feel so guilty? -- TESTED IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TESTED: That's a good question, and one that I can't definitively answer for you. It's possible that like many women, you were raised to believe that if you assert yourself you won't be considered "nice." That's a mistake because as long as you allow this friend to take advantage of you -- and that is what she's doing -- the more your resentment will build until the relationship becomes one of diminishing returns. So tell this self-centered person as nicely as possible that you are not a therapist, and because her problems persist, she should talk to one.

DEAR ABBY: I was shocked the other day when a friend of mine said that many women remain in terrible marriages because of finances. She said those types of marriages are accepted worldwide, so why not in America? She also said she thinks that shame is attached if a woman admits the only reason she is staying with her husband is a monetary one.

The women she was talking about are baby boomers and older. After thinking about it, I remember my mother and mother-in-law saying that money was why they remained in their marriages. Is this as prevalent as my friend stated? I find it sad that this could be true. It reminds me of the Tina Turner song -- what's love got to do with it? Could you comment, please? -- IN IT FOR LOVE

DEAR IN IT: If you're asking if I have statistics on the number of women who stay married only for economic reasons, the answer is no. Most of the people who write to me are unhappy, which would skew the numbers in a negative direction.

I hope you realize that the women you have described -- an older demographic -- were probably not economically independent when they married. It was common in their generation to go straight from their parents' houses to their husbands'. For many years I -- and my mother before me -- have urged women to make sure they are self-supporting before they marry, "just in case" they may have to be afterward.

Staying in a marriage without love is like serving a life sentence with an incompatible cellmate. Your mother and mother-in-law have my sympathy, and so do their husbands.

DEAR ABBY: Do you ever get tired of giving advice to people who ask commonsense questions, or those who probably know the answer to their problems if they just thought it out? -- JIM IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR JIM: The answer to your question is no. I love what I do and consider it an honor to be trusted. While the reply to a question may be obvious to you, it isn't to the person who asks me. Common sense tends to go out the window when there are strong emotions involved.

DEAR ABBY: Please help save my marriage. My wife of five years discovered an Internet browser history of 13 Web pages I had clicked on the previous day. The pages were of women's sexy lips. My wife is calling it "porn" and a "gateway to porn." I feel guilty about it, but I told her it isn't pornography. I think it's a fetish. She says I'm using that word to get off the hook.

Will you please tell her that this probably is a fetish? Our sex life has not been the same since she discovered the images on the computer. What can we do about it in a way that will strengthen our marriage? -- NOT GUILTY AS CHARGED

DEAR NOT GUILTY: It's a shame you and your wife hadn't discussed what turns you on before she checked your browser history. A fetish is any object that turns someone on, and it can range from large breasts, to stiletto heels, to leather or rubber items of clothing, to full red lips. It is not pornography.

A way to strengthen your marriage would be for you to buy her a tube of bright red lipstick. And a way for her to improve your sex life would be to put it on.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 13-year-old girl with a sister and a brother. I was recently told by my dad that I have to teach my brother how to read, but the problem is he has a learning disability and a behavior disorder. I don't know how I'm supposed to teach him to read, and it scares me.

On top of that, my dad got mad at my sister and me and said that when we were younger we were just like my brother, only worse. He said he was close to giving up on us. Sometimes Dad says we're worthless, stupid and asks why we're even in this world. He says we're not good for anything.

I have a slight form of autism, so I'm sort of slow doing certain things other kids do at my age. I feel like I'll never be as smart as anyone else, and I have no clue how I'm going to teach my disabled brother to read. Help! -- LOST, ALONE AND WORRIED IN URBANA, ILL.

DEAR LOST: It would be wonderful if you could teach your learning disabled brother how to read, but you are not equipped to do that. Your brother should be in a special education class with a teacher who has the specialized training -- and, possibly, a tutor.

Sometimes, when parents are extremely stressed or angry they can say things they don't mean without thinking of the lasting effect their words can have on a child. You are neither worthless nor stupid. You are an intelligent girl. Frankly, your father appears to be in need of some help, and I hope you will share with a counselor at your school what you have told me.

DEAR ABBY: My 13-year-old son is refusing to wear a bicycle helmet because he has decided it's "uncool." My husband and I have always worn them, but here in Texas many people don't. There's no state law requiring it.

I know how devastating the effects of a head injury can be and I want to prevent my son from getting one. How can I help my teenager see that protecting his brain is more important than looking "cool" to his friends who don't wear them? My son insists I am ... AN OVERPROTECTIVE MOM

DEAR OVERPROTECTIVE MOM: Contact your son's pediatrician and ask if he or she can facilitate a tour of a rehabilitation facility that treats people with traumatic brain injuries. If that doesn't convince your son, nothing will.

DEAR ABBY: May I comment on the letter from "Itching to Get Even in Cincinnati" (Oct. 1), the woman who was upset that the handmade wreaths she had placed on her family graves had been stolen?

I volunteer at a historical cemetery. Many cemeteries have rules about the type and size of grave decorations that are allowed on the grounds, which is sometimes none at all. In fact, if decorations are allowed, unless they can be firmly attached to the ground, real flowers are usually preferred because they biodegrade and do not create a nightmare for groundskeepers when the plastic eventually weakens.

While it's touching that "Itching" and her sister continue to make thoughtful and beautiful arrangements for their deceased loved ones, they should consider speaking with the cemetery office or groundskeeper about any regulations they might have in order to avoid this kind of upset again. -- MAUREEN IN BROOKLYN, N.Y.

DEAR MAUREEN: For the most part, readers agree that the policies of a cemetery should be checked out before placing wreaths or flowers on graves. However, other readers offered some interesting solutions to the problem:

DEAR ABBY: When Dad died, my mom and I returned to his grave the next day. All the flowers were missing, but the plastic they were attached to was still there. When we inquired about it we were told that deer come down at night and eat the flowers. My dad, a nature lover, would have been pleased that they provided a meal for the deer. -- STILL MISSING HIM

DEAR ABBY: The dead are no longer of this world. When people visit their graves, they should leave good thoughts, not material items that end up as trash or stolen. -- PAMELA IN VICTORVILLE, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: After my mother died, I bought a concrete garden angel statue and put it by her headstone. Like "Itching," I too was bitter after it was stolen.

When I told my husband, he told me, "Honey, your mother was an angel. She didn't need one. Someone else must have needed one." After he said it, it put the incident into a different perspective. -- ANGEL'S DAUGHTER IN MISSOURI

DEAR ABBY: Years ago, the flags my mother and I had placed on Memorial Day were stolen. After that we would write, "Stolen from the grave of ..." on the sticks of the flags we left for my father's and stepfather's graves. It worked! -- DOT IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR ABBY: My sister made a Christmas tree for our mother's grave and decorated it with functional lights. When I asked her why she went to the extra expense, she replied that she knew it would likely be stolen. She said she wanted the thief to have a tree with working lights, so the person would have a brighter Christmas. -- GERRY IN HUNSTVILLE, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: I had the same problem until I started attaching small signs to my floral wreaths that read, "Thou Shalt Not Steal." I make the signs business card-sized, cover them with clear tape, attach them to a beverage straw and insert them in the flowers or attach them to the wreaths. So far it has worked. And if it doesn't, at least it may make the thief think twice. -- MARIE IN PENNSYLVANIA

TO MY CHRISTIAN READERS: A very merry Christmas to you all!