DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have a friend, "Cara," who lives in another state. It's not a very reciprocal friendship. Cara calls us frequently, but wants to talk only about her problems, which are never-ending. When she visits, she demands our full attention at all times. Frankly, we find her exhausting and would like to cut her out of our lives.

Our worry is that we are some of the few friends Cara has left. She has alienated most of her other friends as well as her parents, sometimes over trivial matters. We know she's depressed and has emotional issues, and we suspect she may have a mental illness. She has been suicidal in the past, but now refuses to see her therapist.

We're worried that if we don't continue serving as her talk therapy -- which we find draining -- Cara might become so depressed she'll hurt herself. How do we extricate ourselves from this relationship while still doing the right thing? -- WORN-OUT BUT WORRIED IN CHICAGO

DEAR WORN-OUT: You and your wife are well-meaning, but neither of you is qualified to be Cara's therapist. Allowing her to monopolize your time and sap your energy may momentarily lessen her pain or anxiety, but it hasn't -- and will not -- give her the tools she needs to fix what's wrong.

You can extricate yourselves by encouraging her to talk to a mental health professional. It doesn't have to be the therapist she no longer wants to see, but it does need to be someone who has the training to help her. You should also shorten the length of the conversations. This is happening to you because you are allowing it.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are retired and enjoy going out for a nice dinner occasionally. We go to chain restaurants, hotel restaurants and local dinner establishments. We order lighter meals than we used to, and with the cost of dinners these days we have been finishing our entire meal.

Our problem is that again and again, our server makes a comment about our finished plates. It might be, "You were really hungry, I see!" or, "Wow! You really enjoyed that!" It is uncomfortable to hear these comments about our eating habits and it spoils our enjoyment.

This may be an attempt on their part to be friendly, but we don't like it. How do we let them know this is crossing the boundaries of professional behavior? -- EMBARRASSED IN CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA.

DEAR EMBARRASSED: I hope you realize that for many people this would not be a problem. You needn't be confrontational -- all you need to calmly say is, "When you say that, it makes me uncomfortable, so please don't do it again." No servers want to offend a guest, and they are not mind readers. However, they are all aware that their tips depend on how their service is regarded by customers -- so I'm sure your comment will be taken to heart.

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time? -- NAME WITHHELD IN VIRGINIA

DEAR NAME WITHHELD: Yes, I think so -- and it is usually for different reasons. The same holds true for women. However, for a lasting relationship, people have to choose the one partner who has more of the qualities they think are most important.

DEAR ABBY: I'm married to the girl of my dreams. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. We both work in the medical field. She's an emergency room nurse, and I'm a paramedic/firefighter.

For several years my wife worked the day shift at a hospital more than an hour away from home. I tried to convince her to find a job closer, so we could see each other more. Finally, she told me she had been offered a night shift position at the hospital here in town. She promised to switch to a day shift if one opened up. I thought that was great.

It has been almost a year now, and she is still working the night shift. There have been many daytime openings, but she hasn't requested any of them. On most of my days off, I watch her sleep.

At this point I'm not sure what to do. I am not happy and don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I feel like I'm missing out on so much. I have the girl of my dreams, but most of the time she is dreaming -- literally. Can you please help? -- AWAKE AND ALONE IN FLORIDA

DEAR AWAKE AND ALONE: You are missing out, on the fun and companionship that you should be enjoying with your wife. It's time to have a frank conversation with her and find out why she has been stalling about changing shifts. There could be more wrong in your marriage than incompatible schedules, but the problems won't be resolved unless you can be honest with each other. The current situation is unfair to you, and you are right to be concerned.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have hosted a holiday party for our neighbors every year for the last 10 years. Over time, we have invited more and more people, and we enjoy almost everyone. However, one of our neighbors, "Jim," is very rude. For the past several years he has taken it upon himself to invite several people to our party who he feels should be on the list. These are people we purposely did not invite.

Last year we decided not to invite Jim, but after he sent multiple emails demanding to know the date and time, we reluctantly invited him. He then had the nerve to send out an email to dozens of people he thought we had missed on the guest list, notifying them of the party. This really embarrassed my husband and me.

How can I tell him it's not his party, and how do we deal with the situation with the folks we did not initially invite but now know about the party? -- IT'S OUR PARTY

DEAR PARTY: There is more than one way to handle this. The most obvious would be to inform Jim that he won't be invited this year and tell him why. He is every host's nightmare, and his behavior is beyond nervy. A host must know how many guests to prepare for in order to ensure there will be enough food and beverages for everyone.

Another way would be to forgo giving the party for a year or two and perhaps take a short vacation. Tell anyone who asks why that the gatherings became too large to manage. And then, when you resume entertaining, limit the guest list to something more intimate than a casting call for "American Idol."

One thing is certain: If you continue to tolerate what's been happening, your hospitality will continue to be abused.

DEAR ABBY: When I was in grammar school 50 years ago, I was molested by two boys. I recently learned that they are now both dead.

I wrote to the sister of one of them and told her what her brother had done to me and how I felt about it. I'm glad that he is dead, and I told her so.

She responded, calling my letter sad and bitter for bringing up the matter after so much time has transpired. In the '60s the norm was not to tell anyone for fear of being spanked or beaten or called a liar and living in kid hell. I am a female, and the standard was so different in those days. Please print my letter. -- CONFUSED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONFUSED: If this was something the sister was unaware of, you shouldn't be surprised that she responded as she did to your bombshell.

I agree that we have become more open about discussing sex and sexual assaults than we were in the '60s. And I hope that somewhere along the way you received counseling to help you deal with the molestation, because talking with a qualified mental health professional about it can be therapeutic. However, if you haven't, please contact RAINN, the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network. Its toll-free number is 800-656-4673. You can find assistance there, and nothing will shock them.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating the most wonderful man, "Art," for almost four years. He's strong, caring and he treats me like a princess. We have discussed marriage several times, and I suspect he will propose soon. I'm sure that Art is "the one," and I would marry him in a heartbeat. My only worry is that we'll end up like my parents someday.

I know this sounds silly, but while I was growing up, I never saw any signs that my parents really loved each other. Dad always seemed like he was trying too hard to make Mom happy, while she either was indifferent to his affections or dismissed his efforts. They would argue about the smallest things, to the point where I wished they would get divorced so I wouldn't have to hear them disagreeing.

I have mentioned my fears to Art and he has told me not to worry, but I can't help but worry. I love him too much to put him through the same emotional abuse, even accidentally, and I'd never want my kids to grow up thinking their parents didn't love each other. How can I keep the past from repeating? -- UNLIKE MY PARENTS

DEAR UNLIKE: Your mother may have been attempting to control your father by withholding affection and approval as he tried harder and harder to please her, and that's very sad. But you don't have to follow in her footsteps.

Children don't always grow up to emulate their parents. You are an individual, and you are well aware of the unhealthy pattern you observed while growing up. If you and Art are able to discuss your differences and reach a consensus when problems arise, you should be fine.