life

Teen on a Short Leash Wants More Freedom From Parents

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 13th, 2012 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm 17 and go to a high school with drug addicts and girls who are lucky they aren't pregnant. (Some are.) My father thinks I'm like them even though I have proven time and again that I'm not. I have a 4.0 GPA and have never done drugs or had sex.

I'm not allowed to drive anywhere without my mother accompanying me. If I want to go on a date with my boyfriend, my parents must be present. I have lost friends who are tired of having to hang with my parents and me. I have tried telling my dad this, but he claims I'm being ridiculous and then picks a fight with me. I suggested family counseling, but Dad refused. He says we don't have the money.

What do I do? I just want to be a normal teenager who can hang out without my parents following me everywhere. -- TIRED TEEN IN WYOMING

DEAR TIRED TEEN: You have my sympathy. You have caring and conscientious parents, who appear to have gone overboard in trying to shelter you. By age 17 -- and with a 4.0 GPA -- you should have been allowed to socialize without a constant chaperone. That's how teens learn to develop relationships and make mature decisions.

In another year you will be 18 and an adult. If there is an adult relative in whom you can confide, ask that person to please speak to your parents on your behalf. You should be experiencing more freedom than you have been allowed.

life

Dear Abby for October 13, 2012

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 13th, 2012 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have known my boyfriend, "Kyle," for eight years. We have been dating more than two years and living together for seven months. We have an amazing relationship. We love to laugh and make each other laugh. That's a "quirk" we share.

This morning, Kyle woke up, went straight to his dad's house without saying why and returned with his hair cut, beard trimmed and looking well-groomed. He seemed kind of "off," though -- almost nervous. He then went to his mom's to help with some yard work and when he came home, he snuck up behind me and slipped a ring on my finger. I got a little teary-eyed and asked where it came from. He said from his mom. He acted shy, wouldn't say much or look right at me. Then, after a moment, he shouted, "Just kidding! I wanted to make you laugh and freak you out a little."

I don't think there was malicious intent on his part. He's a sweetheart, but I don't know how to tell him how badly he hurt me emotionally. I thought he was proposing. What should I do? -- UNENGAGED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR UNENGAGED: Sit Kyle down and tell him the effect his "joke" had on you. After a couple has started living together, a proposal of marriage is no laughing matter unless both partners are in on the joke.

P.S. If you talk to him in all seriousness, you may find that he did propose, but then got cold feet.

life

Dear Abby for October 13, 2012

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 13th, 2012 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my early 60s and have no plans to retire. I raised a child on my own and wasn't able to save much for retirement, and my office retirement plan disappeared during the recession in 2008.

Because of my age, people young and old often ask when I plan to retire. I don't feel I owe anyone an explanation as to why I continue to work, and I plan on working as long as I can. I usually say I can't afford to retire, but then I get a response like, "I sure hope I'm not working at your age," or "You can get Social Security," etc. Any idea how I should respond to let these people know it's none of their business? -- MIFFED IN MENLO PARK

DEAR MIFFED: All you have to do is smile and say, "Retire? I'm just getting started!"

life

Woman Feels Guilt Over Two Families She Helped Shatter

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 12th, 2012 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Two men have left their wives for me. The relationship I had with the first one ended very badly (his choice). The second started shortly thereafter, and I am still with him.

When the first man found out, he tried to resume seeing me and became verbally abusive and harassed me when I wouldn't. He hasn't returned to his wife and has tried twice to commit suicide.

Both of these men are now divorced, and their ex-wives and children are understandably bitter. Even though they made the decision to leave without me asking them to -- or even being aware that they were going to -- I feel guilty having a hand in ending two marriages.

I'm sure the last thing either the wives or the children would want from me is an apology or any contact at all. What else can I do to come to terms with and accept what happened? -- THE OTHER WOMAN

DEAR OTHER WOMAN: You appear to be carrying a large burden of guilt. And that's a good thing. There is nothing you can do to make amends to the families you have helped ruin because you can't change the past. All you can do is vow that in the future you won't fool around with any more married men. And then stick to it.

life

Dear Abby for October 12, 2012

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 12th, 2012 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: When I was 9, my mother knitted me a small blanket, about the size of a baby's. I lost her to cancer a year later, when I was 10. Since then, I have carried it with me everywhere.

I am 26 now and married. I still have the blanket and carry it with me in my purse. Recently, I mentioned it to my husband and some friends. They were not supportive like I thought they would be. They made fun of me and called me "immature."

I got defensive and told them it was a reminder of my mother. My husband said I should keep a picture of her instead and throw the blanket away.

Abby, now I feel insecure and childish. Is a security blanket normal for someone my age, or should I just listen to my friends? -- MRS. LINUS IN TEXAS

DEAR MRS. LINUS: Your question is not as unusual as you may think. It has appeared in my column before.

Considering the story behind the blanket, I understand why you are so attached to it. Lack of maturity has nothing to do with this. The connection to the mother you lost at such a tender age has everything to do with it.

Your husband and friends appear to have hides of "pure Corinthian leather." Do whatever makes you comfortable and do not apologize for it.

life

Dear Abby for October 12, 2012

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 12th, 2012 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law goes through my mail and any items on my desk at home. She used to do it in secret and would stop when she got caught. Now she does it in front of me, but never when my husband is around.

I don't care why she's doing it; I just want her to stop. How do I relay that to her without offending her? -- FRUSTRATED SOMEWHERE IN THE USA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Because you can't bring yourself to tell your mother-in-law plainly that what she's doing is rude and nosy, when you know she's coming over, put your papers out of sight.

life

Repeat Offender Is Ready Now to Try New Path to Good Job

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 11th, 2012 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My life has always been scary. My parents divorced when I was 3. Dad always seemed to cause trouble for Mom, who struggled to provide for me and my older sister. She always struggled with alcohol and drugs.

I have spent a portion of my life incarcerated, starting when I was a teenager. I'm now 22 and doing time for selling drugs. I have never been able to find a decent job, although I have my GED and tried to attend a school for nursing, but I screwed it up. Selling drugs seemed to be the only way to make enough to support myself.

I'd like to find a decent job with opportunity, and be able to pay my bills and save a little. I'm tired of my crazy lifestyle and want to settle down. How can I go about finding a job? Keep in mind, I don't have a resume and although I have had many jobs, I never stayed very long, and I have a criminal record. -- SERVING TIME IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR SERVING TIME: I admire that you have decided to change your life and walk the "straight and narrow" from now on. A place to start would be to talk to the prison chaplain. Some religious denominations have programs in place to help inmates and former inmates successfully transition back into society.

The oldest prison/re-entry group in the country is the Pennsylvania Prison Society. Their website is at prisonsociety.org. If they don't serve the community into which you will be released, they will know an organization that does. Their re-entry program helps former prisoners attain self-sufficiency through a four-day job readiness workshop, which teaches the skills necessary to find and keep a job. Pre-registration is recommended, and their phone number is 215-564-6005, ext. 117. Call Monday through Friday, 9 a.m. to 1 p.m.

life

Dear Abby for October 11, 2012

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 11th, 2012 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I had my first boyfriend when I was 16. The relationship lasted 13 years and we had a child together. Now that it's over I don't know what to do.

It has been nine months and it seems like my heartache is getting worse. I can't breathe. It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stepped on. It hurts even more because he started dating immediately after the breakup. I can't even talk to another man. I feel lost and have never been on a date with anyone but my ex.

I feel like I deprived myself of my youth. I cry every day. I can barely watch or see couples without getting depressed and breaking down. I need to see some type of light. Do you have any advice? -- DEPRIVED OF MY YOUTH

DEAR DEPRIVED: Nine months is a long time to cry every day. You have been hit with what I call a "double-whammy." You are grieving for your lost relationship, and because this was your first and only one, you never learned how to handle a broken romance.

A counselor can help you through your grieving process and, in addition, help you to build the social skills you will need to move forward. Please don't put it off. Do this not only for yourself but also for your child so you can be the most effective parent you can be.

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