DEAR ABBY: Many women like surprises. Most men don't. My wife can't understand that. She recently "surprised" me by informing me she had made non-refundable arrangements for us to visit a foreign country. She said I had once mentioned that I'd like to see it. I have no recollection of saying so, but I suppose it's possible.

Abby, I am physically barely able to endure such travel. My balance is bad and walking is extremely painful for my legs and hips. I wish she would have discussed her plan with me in advance. It's possible she wanted very much to go and suspected I'd tell her it would be unwise for me to do it.

Now that we're locked in, I'll go. But if it becomes too arduous, I'll tell her that we're going to have to leave the group and return home immediately. Perhaps that would help her understand that she should talk to me about a plan that includes me before implementing it. Abby, can you comment? -- GOT AN UNWELCOME SURPRISE

DEAR SURPRISE: What your wife did was wrong; she's well aware of your physical limitations. Foreign travel isn't cheap. Before laying out sizable chunks of money, most couples discuss the expense. I think your method of handling the situation is a good one, particularly if no accommodations can be made for your disability by the company arranging the trip.

P.S. I'm advising you to get travel insurance well in advance.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in love with a beautiful woman. She's divorced with two kids, 15 and 17. I believe the 15-year-old boy is feeling threatened by my presence. He has become very "clingy" to his mother and tries to get between us.

I love both of her kids and treat them like my own. I know it's a delicate situation and I want to do the right thing. The disrespect he shows me is becoming an issue, and I know his mother won't do anything about it. I have mentioned it a few times and nothing has changed.

I know she would be crushed if I ended this relationship, because recently she asked me to move in by Christmas. Marriage has been discussed prior to or shortly thereafter. Please help. -- DISRESPECTED IN OHIO

DEAR DISRESPECTED: Do not move in with this woman unless she first agrees to premarital counseling with you to ensure that you're both on the same page regarding parenting, and then family counseling with her children. As much as you care about them, you are not their parent. Because your ladyfriend appears to ignore problems when they arise, without counseling nothing will change. Be warned.

DEAR ABBY: Our son and daughter-in-law have invited us for Thanksgiving in another state. We'll fly there with my husband's mother.

Recently my daughter-in-law mentioned that we may all (11 of us) be going to some sort of buffet instead of making the dinner at their home. We would also end up paying for the meal.

I would much rather cook for them than eat and pay for a Thanksgiving meal at a buffet or restaurant. How can we get this across to our son and daughter-in-law without hurting their feelings? -- NO BUFFET FOR US IN LEAVENWORTH, KAN.

DEAR NO BUFFET: How about saying it in plain English? Tell them you would be glad to prepare the dinner, and if your daughter-in-law would help you, the task wouldn't be onerous for either of you.

P.S. Unless the men are "all thumbs" in the kitchen, they could pitch in, too. Multigenerational rituals are the glue that keep a family together.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a man, "Jerry," who committed a crime years ago. He and a friend participated in several robberies. Jerry was unarmed and no one was hurt, although the victims were traumatized. Jerry was caught, served time in prison and has completely reformed his life. He finished college, was married for many years, is a devoted father to his children and holds an excellent job for which he is respected.

Despite the way Jerry has lived his life, I am having a hard time getting over his past. Although I know he has done everything humanly possible to redeem himself, I can't help wondering what kind of person he is deep down. We are starting to get more serious, and he doesn't know I'm aware of his record. (A mutual friend told me long before Jerry and I began to date.)

I'm concerned that if my children know about what he did, they will never accept him. Although I have never met someone with whom I feel so compatible since my divorce, I wonder if it's worth pursuing. -- TORN OVER HIS PAST

DEAR TORN: Let me help you. Jerry is a man who made a very stupid mistake in his youth and who has paid for it. But it didn't stop him from turning his life around and making a success of himself. Many people would respect that. I know I do.

Because you and Jerry are getting serious, he should have mentioned his past to you. The two of you need to have a heart-to-heart talk. If you are truly worried about the kind of person he is "deep down," this is the way to find out. As for your children -- once you accept him, so will they if you impress upon them how hard he has worked to become the person he is today.

DEAR ABBY: I have been going to a small community building near where I live to sing karaoke. I love going there because no alcohol is served, everyone acts like family, and I can take my kids and grandkids. My husband doesn't go because he has other stress relievers and we have different interests. He knows some of the people there and doesn't mind me going with my best friend.

I love my husband very much. I am not "looking for love." However, last month the DJ's wife was waiting for me and said she didn't appreciate my singing with her husband (she never comes, either) and told me to stop leaving comments on his Facebook page.

I tried to explain that I thought he was my friend, but she wasn't having it. She wanted to start trouble and ruin what happiness we all have. I thought about not going back, but I love the singing.

I haven't done anything wrong or said anything inappropriate. My friends at karaoke want me back, and my husband says I should go. I have been so down about this. There's no other place around where they don't serve alcohol. Please help me. -- INNOCENT AND HURT IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR INNOCENT AND HURT: Although your relationship with the DJ is innocent, it appears he has a troubled marriage. If he doesn't know about the incident with his wife, then you should tell him. The next couple of times you visit the community building to sing, ask your husband to please come with you. And stop leaving messages on the Facebook page.

DEAR ABBY: My Aunt "Betty," with whom I have always been close, is 68 and retired. She is abusing prescription drugs and spends several days a week passed out or confused -- sometimes hallucinating. I rarely call her anymore because all she does is mumble and make odd comments. Sometimes she passes out on the phone.

My uncle is in denial. He comes from a generation where family problems are kept within the family. He refuses to seek professional treatment for her or get her into detox. Caring for Aunt Betty is affecting his health, but he refuses to budge.

Please don't tell me to notify her doctor -- I already tried. Aunt Betty is an accomplished manipulator and doctor shops until she finds new doctors who load her up when the old ones won't cooperate. She does have genuine health issues that require meds, but her doctors have said she would never be stoned if she used them properly.

Confronting my aunt when she's coherent only makes her angry. She denies she's abusing drugs because "they are all prescription." My mom is dead and I'm worried about my aunt and uncle's health. Help! -- DESPERATE NIECE IN FLORIDA

DEAR DESPERATE: Start calling your aunt more often, because addiction is an illness and denial is one of the symptoms. Older people do react differently to medications than younger ones do, and a dose that might be tolerated when someone is middle-aged can be too great for a senior.

Because your uncle isn't able to insist that your aunt get professional help, allow me to offer a suggestion. The next time she passes out during one of your phone conversations, do what you'd normally do if someone else lost consciousness while talking to you. Call 911. When she winds up in the emergency room, her doctor will be alerted about the overdose. It would be a first step in seeing her get the help she needs.

P.S. There's a common misconception among older people that because a drug is "prescription" it's somehow not addictive. And your aunt isn't the first person to fall into this trap.

DEAR ABBY: Our wedding plans have taken a sudden turn. My fiancee, "Carolyn," has a wealthy father with a reputation for being an extreme tightwad. Carolyn was profoundly touched when he offered to pay for most of the wedding expenses.

Last night, Carolyn's mother confessed to us that Carolyn's father is not paying for the wedding. He is deducting the expenses from Carolyn's inheritance from her grandmother. (The father is executor of her grandmother's estate.) He has no idea that his wife told Carolyn, and we're sworn to secrecy because she will get into "deep, deep trouble" if he finds out she told.

To make matters worse, he has the gall to make demands about the wedding as if he was paying for it himself.

Carolyn is so deeply hurt by this deception that she doesn't even want her parents to attend the wedding. All of the joy has gone out of the wedding for her -- and therefore, for me as well.

Abby, how do you think we should handle this? -- FLUMMOXED FIANCE IN NEW YORK

DEAR FLUMMOXED FIANCE: I think you should elope.