DEAR ABBY: I am a 42-year-old woman who has wanted to write to you for years. I'll soon celebrate my 20th wedding anniversary. I am very unhappily married.

I married "Bill" for all the wrong reasons. I never truly loved him the way a woman should love a man. I have remained in the marriage because I am "supposed to." I was brought up to obey the Commandments and do what is right.

Bill is a wonderful husband and father. He has a steady job that pays well; I work part-time. Bill and I get along just fine. He is easy to talk to, and we're very good friends. I don't want to lose that. But there is absolutely no passion in our relationship and never was.

I married Bill because it "was time." He feels more like a brother than a husband. I don't want to hurt my children, but I can't pretend any longer. I am attracted to other men. I'm afraid I'm going to start hating him because I feel so trapped.

I don't know what to do. I just want to stop pretending. We have both spoken to professionals and I have talked to my priest. I told Bill a little about how I feel -- that I don't love him the way a woman should love a man. He just keeps on trying -- buying me flowers, doing all the right things. It doesn't matter. It just makes me angry. Could you please offer me some suggestions? I have read your column since I was a teen, and I value your opinion. Thanks. -- HAD IT IN HARTFORD, CONN.

DEAR HAD IT: Let me get this straight -- you married your husband under false pretenses and have lied to him for 20 years. Both of you have my sympathy.

The best advice I can offer is to think long and hard about what you have now and what you "might" have in the future. Believe me, there are no guarantees and expectations have changed a lot since you were in the dating and mating market. If you really cannot love your husband the way he should to be loved -- and counseling won't help -- then let him go. He deserves better.

DEAR ABBY: My mother died recently after suffering a stroke. Immediately following her death, one of my father's more painful tasks was notifying various agencies: Social Security, retirement benefits and so on. Dad shook his head in amazement as all but one of the people he notified simply fired off a series of questions, thanked him curtly and hung up. Only one civil servant proved to be truly civil, prefacing the conversation with, "I'm sorry for your loss."

Abby, I know people who work in government and private pension departments receive many calls about deaths every day. That doesn't make each death less sad, or each call less difficult for the person picking up the phone and dialing. We can connect on a human level even through layers of officialdom and technology. A few simple, sympathetic words can make a world of difference in the dark days following the loss of a loved one. -- NANCY IN OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR NANCY: Perhaps it's a self-protective mechanism when people who work with case numbers, files and statistics lose sight of the fact that behind that information are broken hearts and grieving families. Thank you for the reminder. I'm sure no one meant to be cruel. What you have described is an example of people who have become desensitized.

DEAR ABBY: Your column has been a fixture in my life. Thank you for the smiles and the tears.

My dilemma: I received yet another invitation to someone's home for a "product party." In the past year, I have been considered a prospective buyer of cookware, candles, makeup, toys and vitamins. While I have at times used all these products, the invitations to sales parties that come from friends and sometimes friends of friends, irritate me.

When I phone to decline, the hostess invariably says, "Oh, you don't have to buy anything." Of course that's not exactly entirely true because it's a sales party, and "guests" are pressured in various ways to buy the product. People often buy things they don't need or want because they fear they'd be disloyal to the hostess if they didn't.

When I was growing up, my father said, "You don't invite friends to your house to sell them things." Maybe Dad was on to something.

Abby, how should unwanted invitations be handled? -- IRKED IN INDIANA

DEAR IRKED: Continue to decline the invitations. Tell the hostess you have "a conflict" and cannot change your plans. (You don't have to give any details.)

P.S. To ease your conscience, your "conflict" can be your plan to watch your favorite "I Love Lucy" rerun on TV.

DEAR ABBY: I'm wondering what I should do when my biological father dies. He and my mother divorced before I was born. I've had little contact with him, but my older sister and brother lived with him growing up and are close to him.

My mother died 20 years ago, and afterward I tried to get to know him, but he didn't want to know me. He never paid child support. Both he and my mother remarried. I was fortunate to have a loving stepfather, and I was very close to him until his death.

When the time comes, I am considering not going to my birth father's funeral. I have not told my sister how I feel because she thinks he is the greatest. I think he is a dirt ball.

What do you advise, under these circumstances? -- CONFUSED IN SIOUX CITY

DEAR CONFUSED: Funerals are for the living. Go to his funeral and give your siblings the emotional support they will need. I understand why you feel the way you do, but in this situation, it would be an act of kindness to keep your true feelings to yourself.

DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, when I read one of your letters about pennies from heaven, I laughed about it to myself. My sister-in-law had died a few months earlier and I said, "OK, Sharyn, if you're there, send me a penny from heaven."

Abby, the next day when I arrived at work, there on my keyboard was a perfectly placed penny. And for weeks afterward I kept finding more pennies. Finally I had to say, "OK, Sharyn, I get it." And the pennies stopped. -- A BELIEVER NOW IN SOMERS, CONN.

DEAR BELIEVER NOW: I'm glad your faith is restored. If you saved them, have them made into charms for a bracelet. Every time you wear it you'll feel close to the sister-in-law who's smiling down on you.

DEAR ABBY: I had been single a long time when I married a wonderful man, "Edgar," who had custody of his two children. After we had dated awhile, he told me about his vasectomy. He said he and his wife had agreed not to have any more children. As our relationship progressed, Edgar told me he would have the vasectomy reversed if I wanted to have children -- which I said I definitely did. After two years of marriage, I finally brought up the subject.

Edgar then informed me he didn't want to reverse the operation. He said he couldn't handle having another child. Abby, I am crushed. I thought Edgar loved me enough to give me children out of our union and love. I love his children and wouldn't favor our children over his.

I would never consider leaving Edgar over this, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for deceiving me and leading me on. My husband has denied me the children he knew I so desperately wanted.

Abby, I urge couples who may find themselves in a similar situation to be honest with each other before they marry. -- CHILDLESS AND HEARTBROKEN

DEAR CHILDLESS AND HEARTBROKEN: Many churches -- and some states -- now encourage couples who are considering marriage to go through prenuptial counseling to ensure compatibility. I'm all for it. If both parties are honest with each other, it could prevent a world of heartache down the line.

You have my condolences for the children you and Edgar will never have together. While you would never leave him, his dishonesty is grounds for an annulment of the marriage.

DEAR ABBY: I am 13 and have a problem with my friend "Will." He transferred to my school last year, and I seem to be his only friend. It has become a problem because I have other friends I like to hang out with.

Will is not a good "people" person. He's hard to have around when I have parties, and he constantly interrupts me when I'm trying to talk to other kids. He just doesn't know the right things to say. Also, he comes from a very wealthy family, and sometimes makes sick jokes about middle-class people. This has offended me and some of my friends.

Will is obsessed with politics and likes to strike up debates with me over petty issues. It's really annoying. His obsession with politics makes people think he's a geek. He really can be sometimes, but he's also a nice guy.

My main problem is that at lunch he follows me around when I go to talk to my other friends. When I move to another part of the table, he moves, too -- right across from me -- so I can't talk without him butting in. He's like a maggot sticking to me!

I wish he could find some other friends and not hang out with me all the time. I like him as a person, but what can I do to make him stop following me? -- BUGGED IN CHATHAM, N.J.

DEAR BUGGED: Level with him privately and tell him exactly what you have told me. You would be doing him a kindness. Explain to him that while you like him, you also need to spend time with your other friends -- and to please make other seating arrangements a couple of days a week. That way, you're not cutting him off completely.