DEAR ABBY: A year ago I remarried and gained three great stepkids. I'm worried about the oldest, who is a senior (18). She doesn't care about school anymore. She's smart enough. When she tries, she gets A's. But when she doesn't want to do the work, she gets F's. There is no in-between. She's capable, but lazy.

Her youngest sister (12) is doing the same thing now, too. Neither one is using drugs or alcohol or skipping school. They are fundamentally good kids. I recognize that it's laziness because I did the same thing 30 years ago. What turned me around was the U.S. Navy. I literally grew up on an aircraft carrier.

Abby, until now I had only sons. I understand boys and men. Having daughters now is a very steep learning curve. I need suggestions on how to help their mom parent them through this rough period. I love our children deeply and want to be the kind of stepdad God wants me to be for them. -- CLUELESS STEPDAD

DEAR CLUELESS: For a man who signed himself clueless, you have clear insight. You and your wife should schedule an appointment with the oldest girl's school counselor and find out to what degree her grade point average has been affected by her "laziness."

Then ask your stepdaughter what she plans to do after high school. Does she plan to go straight into a minimum-wage job -- if she can find one -- with little chance of advancement? Trade school? College? If she wants to further her education, she needs to understand that schools pay attention to applicants' high school records. At 18, she should be treated like the young adult she is, and you and her mother deserve some answers.

The 12-year-old is another story. Find out from her teachers whether she has fallen behind in any of her classes and see that she gets tutoring if she needs to catch up. Make sure she completes her homework assignments. You and her mother should impress upon her that you expect the best she's capable of, and for good grades there will be rewards just as for poor grades there will be consequences, such as reduced privileges. Then practice what you preach.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are retired. He has a small farm, which isn't profitable, so he calls it his "hobby" farm.

When we retired, we agreed to have our main meal at noon every day. I work hard to have a nutritious meal on the table promptly at 12 noon. My husband knows this, but he comes in from working whenever he's ready -- sometimes hours late.

He always has an excuse. He has a cellphone and could call to let me know he's going to be late, but he rarely does. When he finally gets in, the food is cold and I am upset.

He thinks I'm "unreasonable" to expect him to be on time or call. He has never cooked a meal in his life, so he has no idea what is involved. I'm fed up with his behavior and need some suggestions on how to handle this. -- BOILING MAD IN ALABAMA

DEAR BOILING MAD: Perhaps agreeing to have your main meal together at noon was unrealistic. Talk calmly to your husband and ask if it would be more practical to schedule it for 1 p.m. or 2 p.m. That he wouldn't call to let you know he's running late does seem inconsiderate, and if the problem persists, it might be better for both of you if his "main meal" consists of a sandwich he makes for himself whenever he finally returns home.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of one year has told me he needs to focus on getting his life together -- getting a better job, concentrating on his career and finding himself. At this point in his life, he knows he can't provide for me and give me what I want, which is to settle down in a few years.

He said he is unsure when he will have his life together and he doesn't want me to wait for him. He feels he needs to be "selfish" now and focus only on himself. We have talked about breaking up, and while he has faith that we will be together again, I can't bring myself to end things with this amazing man. -- AFRAID TO LET GO

DEAR AFRAID: When a man says he wants to focus only on himself and he doesn't want you to wait for him, what he is really saying is, "It's over." While the prospect of moving on after having invested a year in the relationship may be anxiety-provoking, at this point, you really have no choice. And don't expect to "be together again" anytime soon because his road to self-discovery could take a long, long time if it happens at all. Please accept my sympathy for your heartache.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old boy. My dad and I have a disagreement. I have been throwing away the lunches my mom packs for school because I don't like them and buying school lunches. I realize this was ungrateful and dishonest, and I regret doing it.

As a punishment, Dad won't let me go to one of my best friends' birthday party. I'm fine with being punished, but I think this punishment is unfair to my friend because he doesn't get to have me at his party. Instead, I think it would be better to be grounded or made to do extra chores. Who's right? -- NORMAL TEEN IN ORINDA, CALIF.

DEAR TEEN: You are a born negotiator. Instead of taking your punishment, you're trying for a plea bargain. I wouldn't be surprised if in the future you become a successful lawyer.

However, regarding your question -- I'm not getting in the middle of this one. And I'm pretty sure that this is a punishment you won't soon forget. Bon appetit!

DEAR ABBY: My aunt has been diagnosed with a progressive form of dementia and has had to be permanently hospitalized. She is no longer able to perform basic life functions and also has violent outbursts. Her prognosis is not good, and she'll likely die within a year.

I'm engaged and getting ready to send out invitations to my wedding. However, I'm unsure how to address the invitation to my uncle.

My aunt will almost certainly be alive at the time of my wedding, but there is no possible way she can attend. It seems wrong to ignore her existence and address the invitation only to "Mr. John Smith." But it feels equally wrong to address it to "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith," knowing she cannot attend. Your advice would be greatly appreciated. -- POLITE BRIDE-TO-BE IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR POLITE BRIDE-TO-BE: Address the invitation to both your aunt and uncle, but when you do, include a sweet note saying you understand that she won't be able to attend, but hope that he will be able to join you on your special day. I'm sure it will be appreciated.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 35 years. We have one daughter. My husband has this "thing" about grabbing other women's behinds. He hugs them and then goes in for a grab. It bothers me so much. It hurts my feelings and I have told him so, but he still does it.

Men have told me they don't want him touching their wives this way. Others have said it's disrespectful to me. He says he will try to stop doing it. Try? That doesn't set well with me.

What do you think about this? Am I overreacting? After all these years, I just don't know what to think. -- HANDS OFF IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.

DEAR HANDS OFF: I agree that pinching other women's bottoms is disrespectful (unless you're in Italy, where it's the norm). It appears you have spent 35 years married to an unrepentant lecher. I'd think that by now he would have trouble hugging any woman twice if she saw him with arms outstretched.

Because you can't convince your husband to change his ways, try this: When a man complains about your husband's misbehavior, tell him he should deliver that message directly to your spouse. Perhaps that will get the point across.

DEAR ABBY: I recently married a wonderful man, and I like my in-laws very much. They're nice, welcoming people and we get along well. There's just one problem: They are the biggest enablers I have ever met!

With my husband it isn't a big deal because he's very self-sufficient. On the other hand, his 30-year-old brother has lived with them for three years. He is jobless and has a drinking problem. His parents don't encourage him to look for work. They give him an allowance, pay all his court costs and drive him around because he got a DUI. They even pay his cellphone bill.

What is my place in all of this? Should I say anything? My fear is that when my husband's parents die, his brother will become our problem. -- LOOKING AHEAD IN COLORADO

DEAR LOOKING AHEAD: Don't say anything to your husband's parents. The pattern they are following is one that was set long ago, and nothing you can say will change it. It may, however, cause serious hard feelings.

The person you should talk to is your husband, so that well in advance of his parents' demise, you will be in agreement about his brother finally taking responsibility for himself or suffering the consequences of his actions.

DEAR ABBY: I love my co-workers, but several of them have an aggravating habit of walking into my office, uninvited, while I'm eating lunch at my desk. They then proceed to tell me their latest news, joke or war story.

Abby, those of us who eat at our desks do it so we can keep working and be ready to respond to work-related contacts as they come in, not to socialize. Besides, isn't it just as rude to interrupt someone while they're eating as it is while they're talking? I wish my beloved co-workers would save it for the water cooler. -- "SANDWICHED" IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR SANDWICHED: I don't think it's rude. But because you do, it's up to you to tell your well-meaning co-workers that when you're working at your desk, you'd prefer not to be interrupted because it breaks your concentration. If you speak up nicely, I'm sure they won't love you any less, and then you will love them even more.