DEAR ABBY: I am a widow with four teenagers. My husband died four years ago, and I have been seeing "Ken" -- a wonderful man -- for 18 months. He is four years older than I am, has never been married and has no kids. He had very little contact with mine until I was sure the relationship was serious.

Ken has proposed and we have set a date for a year from now, but my children are extremely unhappy. They say they don't know him and aren't comfortable around him. Ken is quiet and shy, the opposite of me. We have big decisions to make regarding homes and employment over the next few months.

I realize that life is precious. I'm happy with my decision to marry, but the kids are trying to make me feel guilty and make no attempt to get to know Ken. When he comes over, they barely say hello. They say they hate me, and once they leave for college they'll never return. I know they miss their dad, but how can I get them to see it's OK for me to move on? How can I foster a relationship between them and their future stepdad, help them to move on and accept my happiness?

The kids and I have gone to counseling and were discharged after progress was made, but things have slipped back since I started dating. They refuse to return to counseling. Please help. -- NEW HAMPSHIRE WIDOW

DEAR WIDOW: You are the mother of four immature teenagers who are afraid of change and view your fiance as a threat. In a few years all of them will be away at college and, I hope, will have matured enough that they no longer feel the need to "punish" you for not remaining a grieving widow for eternity.

It would be helpful if Ken had a more outgoing personality and could relate to your children. If he's willing, some counseling for the two of you might help so he can learn and you can get some tips. The bottom line, however, is that you are the parent in that household. Your children do not have to "love" Ken, but they do have to treat him with respect and consideration. If love grows from that -- terrific. If not, so be it.

DEAR ABBY: I have taught English at the junior and senior high school level for 19 years. As I grow older, I find it more and more difficult to be a good disciplinarian, and I'm afraid that I am shortchanging my students. I no longer have the motivation to be a good teacher.

I would go back to school to do something else, even though I am 45, but my husband has recently been placed on disability. Any suggestions for how the "old gray teacher" can evolve into something else? I have tried employment agencies in the area where I live, but they have not been much help. -- THE WORST TEACHER IN LOUISIANA

DEAR TEACHER: You may be suffering from burnout or from a mild depression. If you haven't already done so, discuss your feelings with the head of the English Department or your principal. With your husband not working, your stress level must be high, and it could have a lot to do with the way you feel. Some sessions with a counselor might help you find yourself again. And while you're at it, inquire about career counseling at either a local college or your alma mater.

DEAR ABBY: Would you please settle a dispute in my family? I am a stay-at-home wife and mother of two boys. I do everyone's dirty laundry. When someone leaves something in the pockets of clothes (like wallets, papers, etc.), who do you think should be responsible for removing said articles -- the person placing the clothes in the hamper or the person doing the wash? -- LAUNDRESS IN SPRINGTOWN, TEXAS

DEAR LAUNDRESS: Both!

DEAR ABBY: Why must we walk on eggshells around our adult children? I have many friends with the same problem. Only one of them is able to open up and tell her kids how she feels.

You advised if a daughter goes out with a bum, learn to find something good about the bum. I'd like to tell that daughter the guy is a bum, or her kids and her house are a mess. But even if I criticize politely, and say very carefully how I feel, our adult children withhold their children or themselves and there goes the relationship. Is there hope to change this situation? My friends and I would like to know! -- WALKING ON EGGSHELLS

DEAR WALKING: As a parent, your instinct will always be to "parent" your children. But after children become adults, the kind of advice you would like to deliver becomes less welcomed -- and the "kids" no longer have to listen or abide by it. I'm not sure what it is they are doing (or not doing) that you would like to criticize, but if it has something to do with their children, remember that parenting styles have changed with time.

It's regrettable, but many families are no longer close in the way that families were a few decades ago, when the generations needed each other for baby-sitting and other kinds of help. But once the dynamics have been set, the pattern is difficult to change unless all parties are open to it -- and even then it can take professional help.

DEAR ABBY: Our son, an honors student, was accepted to a prestigious Ivy League school. However, the amount of tuition was so exorbitant that the burden on our family would have been financially devastating. Since the day I made the call to turn down the university's offer, my wife, "Jenna," has refused to touch me or respond to me in any way. She talks to me rarely and has refused to make love for more than three years.

I have gone to marriage counseling (she refused to go), sought help from my clergy and repeatedly tried to get my wife to have a relationship. Although I am not a perfect husband, I have tried to make our marriage work. Jenna continues to treat me with contempt and refuses to refer to me in front of our three children by any name except "he."

Do you see any hope for me continuing this relationship? I hate to end this marriage before all of our kids leave home. -- SAD IN SYRACUSE

DEAR SAD: Did you discuss the phone call with your wife before you made it, so you could explore other possible options together or did you call without consulting her? If it's the latter, she had a right to be angry. However, to punish one's spouse for three years seems grossly excessive. And because she won't accept counseling you will have to decide whether to accept the status quo, because you appear to have been physically and emotionally abandoned.

DEAR ABBY: A friend from work has a boyfriend who constantly cheats and lies to her. She cries to me about it, and I can't help but get annoyed because it happens over and over. A week later, she loves him again and forgives him.

She wants me and my boyfriend to go out on a double date. How can I avoid it without hurting her feelings? Should I tell her the truth, that I want nothing to do with that dirtbag, or say I'm "too busy"? -- SHOULDER TO CRY ON IN FLORIDA

DEAR SHOULDER: Don't call her boyfriend a dirtbag or any other names, although they are probably accurate. Just thank her for thinking of it but tell her that as much as you like her, knowing how he has treated her, you wouldn't be able to look him in the eye.

DEAR ABBY: I really need some advice or I'm going to cry my eyes out. I'm a 14-year-old girl and I really like this guy at school. I'm shy, so instead of telling him, I drew a picture of him, wrote on the back that I like him and taped it to his locker so he could see it. I didn't sign it.

He thought it was weird and doesn't know it's me. He already has a girlfriend and she hates what I did. She says she thinks whoever did it is a stalker.

I feel really stupid. I don't know what to do now. I wasn't trying to be creepy. I just wanted him to know how much I love him. Should I tell him it was me? I'm so confused. Please help. -- HOPELESS AND LOVELESS

DEAR H. AND L.: Dry your tears and take advantage of this learning experience. We have all had them. If you are smart -- and I think you are -- you will not reveal that it was you who put the picture on the locker. The boy is already involved with someone and his girlfriend will regard you as an enemy. If and when they break up -- as so many teen romances do -- you can decide then whether to express your feelings. But if you do, please do it in person and not anonymously.

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible to earn someone's trust back, and if so, how would I do it? -- WONDERING IN OHIO

DEAR WONDERING: Much depends upon what you did that destroyed the person's trust. If it wasn't too egregious, a sincere apology is the way to begin. And if it is accepted, walking the straight and narrow in the future would be helpful.

DEAR ABBY: I got married four months ago and we have no wedding rings. However, we do have our names tattooed on each other's ring finger. His is not legible. Even though he got it touched up once, it still looks like a big blur. My tattoo is very clear and noticeable.

All my friends think we need to wear wedding bands or something. Did we do the wrong thing? -- NEWLYWED IN TACOMA, WASH.

DEAR NEWLYWED: When it comes to wedding bands -- and what they symbolize -- there is no "wrong" thing. You and your husband got the tattoos because you wanted something that would last forever, like your union. The most important thing isn't what your friends think; it's how the two of you feel. If you want to wear wedding bands, then buy a couple. But don't do it because someone else thinks you should.

DEAR ABBY: I work 40-plus hours a week and have a 3-year-old and two dogs. My good friend "Kate" has a 6-year-old, 2-year-old twins and a dog.

Her house is dirty. The bathroom is dusty and stained, and in the kitchen, dishes are piled in the sink. Would it be rude to offer her a few hours to clean up some key rooms? If not, how would I go about offering without being too blunt? -- HAVE MOP, WILL TRAVEL

DEAR HAVE: Try this. Say, "Kate, you have your hands full, so why don't I come over one morning this weekend and help with the housework? Then we'll grab some lunch. It'd be fun. What do you say?"

P.S. If you find yourself in the Los Angeles area, give me a call. And don't forget that mop!