DEAR ABBY: I am a confused transwoman. I have been in a committed relationship for years with a woman who knew me before "the change." I have lied to myself for a long time about what gender I have been attracted to, and now it's coming back to haunt me.

As I have gone through several years changing, my confidence and emotional depth have grown. I successfully transitioned two years ago, and live and work as a woman. This means when I go to clubs and bars with other girlfriends, I attract male attention in a positive way. (I'm attractive and pass well.)

The problem is, my attraction to women is fading and men are now much more appealing. My pulse races at the idea of spending time in the company of men, but no longer with women, who are now more like sisters than anything else.

My relationship with my current female spouse has become that of a housemate or female family member. She was there for me during my changes, and now I feel I am evolving away from her. This upsets me, and I know it upsets her because we have talked about the possibility that this might occur. Now I'm worried about breaking her heart, but feel if I don't move on, I will have cheated myself out of living.

What should I do? Should I swallow my feelings and stay with her, or admit that in order to feel like a heterosexual woman I must leave and be in a relationship with a man? Help! -- LOST ANGEL

DEAR LOST: I discussed your letter with Denise Leclair, the executive director of the International Foundation for Gender Education (IFGE), who tells me that what you're experiencing is not unusual. Transgender people can be so consumed with gender issues that they are sometimes unfocused on whom they are really attracted to.

While I can't make this decision for you, you can get some helpful input from IFGE. Founded in 1987, it offers support and educational services for and about gender-variant persons -- including referrals to medical and psychological professionals. You can email IFGE at info@ifge.org.

DEAR ABBY: Thanks for the wonderful letters and sage advice over the years. I can't tell you how many columns I have clipped and shared.

Some years ago when I was teaching in Massachusetts, a dear friend, Pat, told me about something she did that impressed me. Every year on her birthday, she sent flowers to her parents with a note thanking them for their love and support. I adopted her idea.

We have a Mother's Day and a Father's Day, but isn't Pat's idea wonderful? Many parents would be thrilled to receive flowers from their child on his or her birthday, especially when a note accompanies the bouquet. After all, the parents gave the children life and nurturing. It seems only right that children should show their appreciation at that special time. Please share this idea with your readers. -- FORMER TEACHER IN ATHENS, GA.

DEAR TEACHER: Thank you for sharing your friend's tradition. It's not the first time I've heard this, but I'm pleased to share her terrific idea with those who are receptive.

P.S. If flowers aren't in the budget, a handwritten note of appreciation costs nothing and would be treasured for a lifetime.

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my early 40s. I have two children. I have never been married. Five months ago I met a fine man. "Mr. M." is in his mid-40s and was married for about four years in the late 1990s.

I am very much in love with Mr. M., and he has shown me how much he loves me in many different ways. However, he says there are no wedding bells in the future.

Do you think Mr. M. is afraid to make a commitment because of his divorce? Has a woman ever proposed marriage to a man? Is there anything wrong with it?

I have one more problem. Mr. M. likes to be all alone some days. And he takes long weekends to get away by himself. Is this common for a lot of men? -- CONCERNED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR CONCERNED: There is nothing "wrong" with a woman proposing to a man; many women have done it. And yes, it is entirely possible that Mr. M.'s experience with divorce has left him marriage-shy. Since you are serious about him, pursue the reason for his statement that there are no wedding bells in the future.

While it's common for men (and women) to spend "alone time" and have separate interests, they don't, as a rule, involve spending long weekends away by themselves. Much depends on the nature of the pursuit that's taking him away, and how often he needs time to himself. If Mr. M. goes on an occasional spiritual retreat, I see nothing unusual about it. However, if he is a loner by nature -- the person who will be lonely is you.

DEAR ABBY: We have read about married couples renewing their marriage vows. My wife and I have been married 50 years and thought perhaps this would be a way of celebrating this marvelous milestone. However, the more we discuss it, the more illogical it seems to us.

We took our vows, ending with " ... 'til death do us part." Over the course of the marriage, we have had many wonderful experiences as well as some of the worst life can offer. Through it all, we have loved and cared for each other. There was never a time that we did not think in terms of "we."

We believe it would be an insult to each other to renew that which seems to be in good condition. Vows don't wear out. Devotion to each other becomes a way of life, to the point that life is unthinkable for each of us without the other.

We still find each other attractive, and sexy, too. Like wine, old vows improve with age and become more precious. -- YOUNG AT HEART IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR YOUNG: You appear to have an enviable marriage, and I congratulate you both. However, some couples experience the same thrill from renewing their vows that they did in pledging them in the first place. Please do not judge them or minimize the reaffirmation of their love.

DEAR ABBY: Over the years, you have provided me with insight and many grins and chuckles. I hope to return the favor by providing you with at least a smile:

Question: What is the name of Bambi's convent?

Answer: Deer Abbey

-- JOSEPH IN OVERLAND PARK, KAN.

DEAR JOSEPH: That's cute! I'd send you a buck if you needed the doe.

DEAR ABBY: I am a pastor and just received word that a parishioner died yesterday. "Harold" had been hospitalized for a week in another city, and I wasn't notified. A member of his family said, "We didn't know if we should bother you or not." The saddest part is, I was in that city the night before he died, seeing another parishioner. It would have been easy to visit Harold.

Abby, permit me to share three reasons why I want to be "bothered" in the future:

First: The one who is ill is entitled to the care and support of his or her faith community. I have sat at the side of persons who appear nonresponsive, taken their hands and told them who I am. Their hand frequently tightens around mine. When I say familiar prayers, their lips move in concert with mine. Spiritual leaders of other faiths report similar experiences.

Second: My presence may be physically and spiritually helpful to the family and friends of the patient. Many congregations provide networks of contacts for social agencies, additional medical specialists, and even respite care groups within the congregation.

Third: The ill person may have confided his or her wishes regarding maintenance of life, burial and funeral arrangements to his or her spiritual leader. When people come to me to discuss their wishes, I file that information in a secure place. (I also encourage them to share their desires with family and formalize them with an attorney or funeral director.) In at least one instance, the family purchased a burial plot through the funeral home, unaware that one had already been purchased in another cemetery of the person's own choosing.

I urge adult children and others in charge of another's affairs: Please contact the faith community of the dying person -- for the sake of the patient, the faith community and yourself. -- A PASTOR IN WISCONSIN

DEAR PASTOR: Thank you for your informative and caring letter. I hope it will convince readers whose loved ones are having medical problems to notify their faith community leader immediately.

DEAR ABBY: I hope you print this because moviegoers worldwide will appreciate it.

Attention, all parents who bring their babies to the movies -- please don't! I just spent $11 to listen to a baby cry and fuss for two hours. It made it impossible to enjoy "Spider Man." Thank you. -- SILENT MOVIE FAN IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR SILENT: I understand that baby sitters are expensive and not always reliable -- and that parents want to see the latest films, too. However, when a baby starts to fuss, the infant should be taken out of the theater to be fed, changed and/or calmed. To do otherwise is unfair to those who have also spent hard-earned money to enjoy a film without distraction.

P.S. DVDs are just what the doctor ordered for new parents -- not only can they be paused, but they are cheaper, too.