DEAR ABBY: I am one of nine employees who work in a jewelry store owned by "Tom" and "Carol," a husband and wife. Tom is having an affair with "Angie," our bookkeeper. I know, because I have heard him talk about it to my co-workers. Carol is suspicious and has approached each of us to ask if anything is going on between them. So far we have covered for them.

Abby, we are getting tired of covering for our boss. It creates tension to lie to Carol, and personally, I feel a lot of guilt over this.

Some of us have suggested to Angie that she quit, but she has no intention of doing so.

Should we tell Carol what we know, tell Angie's husband, or just keep our mouths shut and continue working in these uncomfortable circumstances? -- UNEASY IN NEW YORK

DEAR UNEASY: I don't blame you for feeling uneasy. You have been placed squarely in the middle. It is unfair for your boss to expect you to lie for him, and equally unfair that his wife is asking you to be her stool pigeon.

Carol probably knows what's what. She shouldn't be putting her employees on the spot to obtain proof that Tom's fooling around. If she questions you again, simply say, "Sorry, I have nothing to say." I assure you, she'll get the message.

DEAR ABBY: What do you do with someone who has no manners? A relative of my husband's has been dating a woman for more than a year. They are both in their 30s, and there's a strong possibility they will marry.

Whenever a group of us get together to go out for dinner, on vacation or anywhere, she puts a damper on the entire event. She won't converse (and it's not because she's shy), she never smiles, she just sits with her arms crossed and is absolutely miserable.

She has been to our home for dinner on a couple of occasions. Afterward she gets up from the table and never, ever, says please or thank you. She's the most immature, self-centered, unpleasant human being I have ever met. Even our children comment on her rudeness -- in addition to the group of people we go out with. She is even rude to my mother-in-law, but her boyfriend just doesn't see it.

They say that love is blind -- but that blind? It has reached the point that we don't want to associate with this couple. Would I be out of line to say something to her (particularly when she is in my home) about her lack of manners, and if so -- what do you suggest I say? (I know what I'd like to say!) -- FUMING IN DELAWARE

DEAR FUMING: From your description of this unhappy young woman's body language, it is obvious that she's desperately uncomfortable in social situations with you and "the group." It is possible that she suffers from a social phobia of some sort.

Rather than confront her about her "bad manners," make a date to see her alone. Then, in the kindest way possible, try to get her to open up about what's bothering her.

If that doesn't work, then talk to your husband's relative about your concerns. His girlfriend may suffer from emotional problems that could be helped with counseling or medication.

As a last resort, curtail your invitations to them.

DEAR ABBY: I need some advice about my girlfriend "Vivian's" son. "Kirk" is 22 and very immature. I love Vivian with all my heart, and I get upset when Kirk verbally abuses her. I try not to say anything because I feel it's not my place because he's not my son.

Kirk hasn't worked in two years. He walks into his mother's house and takes whatever he wants -- food, toothpaste, rolls of toilet paper, etc. He won't help her around the house, mow the lawn or wash a dirty dish he has used. And he lives rent-free in one of the duplexes his mother bought for additional income.

Vivian is a wonderful woman who is hard-working and self-supporting. She's also tired of her son's lack of motivation and how he takes her for granted.

I know a mother doesn't want to see her child go hungry, but where do you draw the line? -- FED UP IN TEXAS

DEAR FED UP: Vivian should draw the line at the front door. By tolerating her son's disrespectful behavior she is doing him no favors. Unless he actively looks for a job, stops helping himself to her property and does something to repay her generosity (mowing the lawn and washing the dishes he uses would be a good start), she should stop "helping" him. What she's doing is crippling her son, who may be in need of counseling.

DEAR ABBY: Please inform your readers not to invite people to bridal showers if they're not invited to the wedding.

I was invited to a shower and accidentally found out I wasn't being invited to the wedding. At first I was upset, but imagine how mortified I felt when I was told that if some of the invited guests sent back a refusal, then I would be invited to the wedding. I would have preferred to have been told, "I'd love to have you, but we just can't afford to invite all of the lovely people we would like."

I know this isn't the first time you've mentioned something like this in your column, but it amazes me how insensitive people can be. -- SECOND STRING, BRADFORD, MASS.

DEAR SECOND STRING: Being told we are at the top of the "B" list makes us feel really wanted, doesn't it? If people would take just a moment to consider how their words and deeds affect others, what a kinder, gentler world this would be.

P.S. For the record: People who will not be invited to the wedding should not be asked to attend a bridal shower.

DEAR ABBY: My divorced daughter stretched her food budget to "surprise" me with my favorite double cheese pizza with black olive topping. After everyone had eaten, I eyed the leftovers and decided to help out by gorging on the extra slices.

My subsequent gallstone attack did not hurt as much as my oldest granddaughter's query: "Grandpa, why did you force yourself to finish the pizza? Mommy promised us it would be our snack tomorrow."

Gluttonous guests -- and that includes me -- should not assume that "leftovers" are fair game. The hostess may have plans for them. -- S.G. IN LAGUNA WOODS

DEAR S.G.: How true. Wisdom -- and good manners -- dictate that nothing should be taken from the host's kitchen without permission. I have received more than one letter over the years describing a refrigerator raid in which the guest wound up with a sandwich loaded with what turned out to be pet food.

DEAR ABBY: I'm becoming increasingly concerned about my wife, "Traci," and her influence over our 3-year-old son, "Grant." I love having a son, as does Traci, although she always wanted a little girl. Unfortunately, we haven't been able to have another child, and my wife's focus on our son appears to be somewhat skewed.

Over the last few months, Traci has been buying Grant more and more feminine clothing. I'm OK with a pink shirt now and then, but lately it has gotten out of hand. She has been close to dressing Grant in drag. My wife says not to take it so seriously, but it bothers me when people tell us we have a "lovely little girl."

I'm worried that what my wife is doing will have an adverse effect on my son, but at the same time I need to know if I'm overreacting. -- IT'S A BOY!

DEAR IT'S A BOY!: My experts tell me that there is no data that demonstrates what your wife is doing will cause gender confusion in your son. What's important is that you talk to her and express your concerns privately. Your little boy is at an age where he can sense stress in your marriage, and that could cause him problems later on. More important than what clothes he's wearing is decreasing the level of stress on the boy.

DEAR ABBY: I'm dating a man who is genuine, considerate, thoughtful, humble, responsible, committed to his family, and we have great physical chemistry. Unfortunately, there is no intellectual/social "connection."

We have never had an intellectually stimulating conversation, and I'm not sure he's even someone I would have picked to be friends with, although we do share interests in the outdoors and our faith. I feel emotionally secure with him and keep wondering if I'm being overly critical or choosing to stay in a relationship out of fear of not finding someone better in time to start a family. (I'm in my early 30s.) Please advise. -- INDECISIVE IN PLEASANTON, CALIF.

DEAR INDECISIVE: To be frank, no one person has "everything." If intellectual stimulation is the quality that's most important to you, then the man you have been dating isn't the one for you. The fine qualities you listed would weigh heavily in his favor with many women. What you must ask yourself is whether or not you can be with him and find intellectual stimulation elsewhere when you feel you need it.

DEAR ABBY: I have four grown children between the ages of 21 and 25. For years I had a career, supported them financially and put them through college and trade schools.

I remarried last January. My youngest daughter now says my kids are no longer No. 1 in my life and she will no longer speak to me. I told her my husband and all my children will always be No. 1 -- just in a different way.

She's having a baby soon and hasn't included me in her life since January. Mind you, the baby is from a drug cartel man, they both have felonies, and she recently married her high school sweetheart.

I'm torn between getting on with my life or trying to reach out to her with hugs and kisses every now and then via snail mail. She has blocked me on Facebook and changed her cellphone number. Any suggestions? -- TORN IN TUCSON

DEAR TORN: Yes. Get on with your life. On her birthday and at Christmas send cards to let her know you love her and are thinking of her. When she needs you for something, I guarantee she'll contact you. Until then, don't hold your breath.