DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old girl who accidentally left my diary on the counter and my mother read it. When she told me, I was disappointed and hurt. To me, a diary is a place I can escape to and feel comfortable just being me. She now knows I struggle with depression and have done things I'm not proud of. I was angry and expected an apology because it was a violation of my privacy.

She claims she had the right to read it because I left it on the counter, and if I didn't want her to see it, I shouldn't have left it there. Regardless of where my diary was, I don't feel she had the right to go through it because it's not hers.

I told her I want an apology and I am willing to rebuild that trust. My mom said there is no reason to rebuild it or to apologize, and she did nothing wrong. Am I wrong for wanting an apology and a better explanation for why she did it? -- DISAPPOINTED DAUGHTER

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Your mother read your diary because it was out in the open and she was curious. Does she owe you an apology? Perhaps. However, if her level of communication with you is so poor that you live under the same roof and she hasn't noticed your struggle with depression -- whether situational or chronic -- and offered to help you find help for it, then what happened may have been a blessing. What you need with her is a closer relationship, not a combative one. Her job as a parent is to help you, and that includes teaching you to make the right choices.

DEAR ABBY: A bridal tea is being held for my niece soon. The invitation says, "Hats and dresses, please." I was also told verbally by the mother of the bride (my sister) that they want everyone attending to wear hats. I told her I'm very uncomfortable wearing a hat, but would put flowers in my hair to "jazz it up" a bit.

Last night, my brother-in-law called asking what I was wearing to the tea. My first reaction was that he was joking -- so I asked if he thought that it was even worth a conversation. He said if I don't wear a dress and hat, to not bother coming. I was so shocked that I said OK and hung up.

I am very sad that I would not be welcomed without the hat -- something so superficial. If appearances are more important than having me there, then I really don't want to attend. I would, however, send a note and gift and also attend the regular shower being planned if invited. I don't want to alienate the family.

How do you think I should handle this? I am lost for words -- although you wouldn't know it by my rambling on. Thanks for your advice. -- RAMBLING AUNTIE

DEAR RAMBLING AUNTIE: Obviously, your sister and her daughter are more concerned with the fantasy of how things will look at this tea than the feelings of those who will attend. People like that are easily offended/alienated and carry grudges.

Because you don't want to cause a rift, buy a cheap hat and go to the tea. While sending a note and gift in lieu of attending is more than what most people would do under the circumstances -- and I don't blame you for considering it -- to keep peace in the family, put in an appearance.

P.S. With relatives like this, you have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: My husband thinks I'm addicted to your column. What should I do? -- "AB"DICTED TO YOU

DEAR "AB"DICTED: While I wouldn't ordinarily encourage any kind of addiction, I'm making an exception in your case. Continue reading my column and encourage your husband to read occasional letters until he becomes "Ab"-co-dependent. When it comes to enlarging my readership, the more the merrier!

DEAR ABBY: My husband died recently in a fire he started in a drunken rampage. In the aftermath I am left with feelings of extreme sadness and rage.

Last night I was going through a box of his belongings and found some old letters he had written to a woman he'd left me for 20 years ago. (We patched things up and then were married later.) I didn't want to read them, but in the first letter I caught the sentence, "You are the only woman I've ever met who truly changed me." I immediately tore it to shreds. There were others, but I tossed everything in the box into the trash. I couldn't put myself through the pain.

For months, I have tried to dwell only on the happy times we had together and the love that, in spite of his alcoholism, we had for each other. Perhaps I could have dealt with these letters while my husband was still alive, but now I can only stew in my own anger.

I don't want to do this to myself. I have been in therapy and at Al-Anon, but I feel as though I need other tools at this point to get me through this awfulness. -- WIDOW IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR WIDOW: Please accept my condolences for the loss of your husband. I'm sure you have many reasons to be angry, and those letters are among the least of them.

Try to think rationally about what the letter said. That they were in his possession probably means they were never mailed, and it's likely they were written while he was drunk. As to the woman having "changed" him, from the way he died it doesn't appear he changed a lot.

You have your life ahead of you. If you choose to waste your precious time looking back over your shoulder and cursing a dead man, of course that's your choice. But if you want to break this cycle of destructive thinking, the quickest way to do it would be to contact your therapist for a "reality check."

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have lived together for five years. We have decided that we want to get married. He took me to pick out a beautiful ring and put money down to hold the specific ring.

Sounds great, right? Well, it's not. Unfortunately, my boyfriend doesn't have the money for it, which is completely understandable, because it's quite an expensive ring.

Here is my issue: He recently took a significant amount of money out of his 401(k) to pay off a gambling debt. I also received a very large bonus, of which a major portion went to pay the gambling debt. Why would my boyfriend take me to pick out a ring if he knows he can't afford it? Why would he prioritize his gambling debt over a ring for me? For us? For our future? -- NOT HIS FIRST PRIORITY

DEAR NOT HIS FIRST PRIORITY: Candidly, your boyfriend probably made the gambling debt his top priority because he was afraid if he didn't someone would beat him to a pulp or worse. Surely by now you have realized that he has a gambling problem and is not good with money. Thank your lucky stars you realized it before marriage.

You are living with someone who appears to have trouble recognizing there are consequences for his actions. If you want a husband who is mature and responsible, stop enabling him and recognize that this man isn't Mr. Right.

DEAR ABBY: My younger brother confided that he got a girl pregnant. I'm the only one he has told and it's killing me. The baby is about two months old, and my folks still don't know they could possibly be grandparents. My brother doesn't want to tell them right now, and he also doesn't want a paternity test to see if the baby is his because he doesn't want to face the reality that he could really be a father.

Abby, knowing that I could have a niece out there is killing me because there are so many children who harbor resentment toward their absentee fathers. I really want to do the right thing and get my parents involved, but if I do I'll lose my brother's trust. If I don't tell, I will have to live with the fact that I am abetting my brother being another stereotypical dead-beat dad. Please help. -- AUNT IN DISGUISE

DEAR AUNT IN DISGUISE: How old is your brother? From your description, he is acting like a 14-year-old. Have another talk with him and tell him that because he is old enough to father a child, he's also old enough to accept responsibility for his actions. The time to tell his parents everything and start supporting his child in every way he can is now.

Of course, before making any announcements, he should be sure the baby is actually his. A paternity test will let him off the hook if he isn't the father. So give him a deadline to have the test done, and if it shows he is the baby daddy, set another one for him to inform your parents or you will. The longer the delay, the harder it will be.

DEAR ABBY: I recently discovered that my mother has been purchasing catalog items using my name and not paying for them. I have confronted her, but she denies it even though the items are in her home. My mother is much better off financially than I am and has no need to use my credit.

I have spoken to the companies and had mixed results. Some have agreed to put the bill in her name, others refused. At this point, I don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. -- JOANNA IN BROOKLYN, N.Y.

DEAR JOANNA: Your mother's behavior is shameful. Talk to your credit card companies and ask for new credit cards. If this is allowed to continue, your mother will destroy your credit. Tell her that you expect her to pay the charges she has incurred immediately, and you want proof of payment. Warn her that if it doesn't happen, you will inform the fraud division of your local police and let them deal with her. Then follow through.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 13 and have a problem. My friends are jealous of me. They say I'm spoiled rotten. I honestly don't think I am that spoiled, and I love my friends dearly. I am bothered by their rude comments. How do I ask them to stop or should I just ignore it? -- UNSPOILED IN INDIANA

DEAR UNSPOILED: The next time they say it, say: "It hurts my feelings when you say that. A spoiled person is someone who doesn't appreciate what she has -- and I appreciate everything I have. Especially friends like you."