DEAR ABBY: My husband died recently in a fire he started in a drunken rampage. In the aftermath I am left with feelings of extreme sadness and rage.

Last night I was going through a box of his belongings and found some old letters he had written to a woman he'd left me for 20 years ago. (We patched things up and then were married later.) I didn't want to read them, but in the first letter I caught the sentence, "You are the only woman I've ever met who truly changed me." I immediately tore it to shreds. There were others, but I tossed everything in the box into the trash. I couldn't put myself through the pain.

For months, I have tried to dwell only on the happy times we had together and the love that, in spite of his alcoholism, we had for each other. Perhaps I could have dealt with these letters while my husband was still alive, but now I can only stew in my own anger.

I don't want to do this to myself. I have been in therapy and at Al-Anon, but I feel as though I need other tools at this point to get me through this awfulness. -- WIDOW IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR WIDOW: Please accept my condolences for the loss of your husband. I'm sure you have many reasons to be angry, and those letters are among the least of them.

Try to think rationally about what the letter said. That they were in his possession probably means they were never mailed, and it's likely they were written while he was drunk. As to the woman having "changed" him, from the way he died it doesn't appear he changed a lot.

You have your life ahead of you. If you choose to waste your precious time looking back over your shoulder and cursing a dead man, of course that's your choice. But if you want to break this cycle of destructive thinking, the quickest way to do it would be to contact your therapist for a "reality check."

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have lived together for five years. We have decided that we want to get married. He took me to pick out a beautiful ring and put money down to hold the specific ring.

Sounds great, right? Well, it's not. Unfortunately, my boyfriend doesn't have the money for it, which is completely understandable, because it's quite an expensive ring.

Here is my issue: He recently took a significant amount of money out of his 401(k) to pay off a gambling debt. I also received a very large bonus, of which a major portion went to pay the gambling debt. Why would my boyfriend take me to pick out a ring if he knows he can't afford it? Why would he prioritize his gambling debt over a ring for me? For us? For our future? -- NOT HIS FIRST PRIORITY

DEAR NOT HIS FIRST PRIORITY: Candidly, your boyfriend probably made the gambling debt his top priority because he was afraid if he didn't someone would beat him to a pulp or worse. Surely by now you have realized that he has a gambling problem and is not good with money. Thank your lucky stars you realized it before marriage.

You are living with someone who appears to have trouble recognizing there are consequences for his actions. If you want a husband who is mature and responsible, stop enabling him and recognize that this man isn't Mr. Right.

DEAR ABBY: My younger brother confided that he got a girl pregnant. I'm the only one he has told and it's killing me. The baby is about two months old, and my folks still don't know they could possibly be grandparents. My brother doesn't want to tell them right now, and he also doesn't want a paternity test to see if the baby is his because he doesn't want to face the reality that he could really be a father.

Abby, knowing that I could have a niece out there is killing me because there are so many children who harbor resentment toward their absentee fathers. I really want to do the right thing and get my parents involved, but if I do I'll lose my brother's trust. If I don't tell, I will have to live with the fact that I am abetting my brother being another stereotypical dead-beat dad. Please help. -- AUNT IN DISGUISE

DEAR AUNT IN DISGUISE: How old is your brother? From your description, he is acting like a 14-year-old. Have another talk with him and tell him that because he is old enough to father a child, he's also old enough to accept responsibility for his actions. The time to tell his parents everything and start supporting his child in every way he can is now.

Of course, before making any announcements, he should be sure the baby is actually his. A paternity test will let him off the hook if he isn't the father. So give him a deadline to have the test done, and if it shows he is the baby daddy, set another one for him to inform your parents or you will. The longer the delay, the harder it will be.

DEAR ABBY: I recently discovered that my mother has been purchasing catalog items using my name and not paying for them. I have confronted her, but she denies it even though the items are in her home. My mother is much better off financially than I am and has no need to use my credit.

I have spoken to the companies and had mixed results. Some have agreed to put the bill in her name, others refused. At this point, I don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. -- JOANNA IN BROOKLYN, N.Y.

DEAR JOANNA: Your mother's behavior is shameful. Talk to your credit card companies and ask for new credit cards. If this is allowed to continue, your mother will destroy your credit. Tell her that you expect her to pay the charges she has incurred immediately, and you want proof of payment. Warn her that if it doesn't happen, you will inform the fraud division of your local police and let them deal with her. Then follow through.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 13 and have a problem. My friends are jealous of me. They say I'm spoiled rotten. I honestly don't think I am that spoiled, and I love my friends dearly. I am bothered by their rude comments. How do I ask them to stop or should I just ignore it? -- UNSPOILED IN INDIANA

DEAR UNSPOILED: The next time they say it, say: "It hurts my feelings when you say that. A spoiled person is someone who doesn't appreciate what she has -- and I appreciate everything I have. Especially friends like you."

DEAR ABBY: I found out my husband has been corresponding with prostitutes he picked up when we went on vacation. He emailed them twice, but the second one hurt me the most. He sent her money. I confronted him and was ready to end the marriage, but we have a son.

He denied having sexual contact with the women and said he was just flirting, so I forgave him. But I told him I won't tolerate it a third time. He agreed to have marriage counseling and do his part to convince me he will change.

Is it worth it to try again for the sake of our son? I don't trust him anymore, but I still love him. -- READY TO LET GO

DEAR READY: When a man gives money to a hooker, it's usually for a reason. The reason isn't charity; it's for services he wants rendered. (And they don't take money in arrears.)

No one can decide for you whether or not to stay in the marriage, but before making any decisions, make it your first priority to contact your doctor and be checked for STDs. Who knows what your husband might have picked up while "flirting."

If you do decide to remain in the marriage, you'd be wise to schedule regular appointments for STD checkups. Your husband has shown himself to be not only a philanderer but also a liar.

DEAR ABBY: I have been meaning to write to you for a long time. Now that we have gone through another year of Mother's Day and Father's Day, would you please acknowledge those of us who did not have a parent who deserved to be honored? SOME PEOPLE SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO BE PARENTS! I dread these commercialized days every year. Our planet does not lack for population. We don't need more people.

There are horror stories every day in the media about child abuse, yet you honor these people without qualification. For those who have parents who deserve to be honored, I'm happy for you. But the celebration is only salt in the wounds of those of us who wish we'd never been born. -- ONE OF THEM IN LONGMONT, COLO.

DEAR ONE OF THEM: I agree that the commercialization of certain holidays can be painful for those who cannot join in the celebration. This would include children and adults who were abused or neglected by their parents, as well as those who no longer have living parents.

I doubt many people remain childless for the public good. Usually there are deeply personal reasons for it. For people who are childless by choice, every day is an affirmation of their decision. However, for those who want children and cannot have them, their loss can be excruciating.

DEAR ABBY: Can you give any advice for a male in his 50s who is still a virgin, who is afraid of being intimate and hasn't even kissed a girl since high school? Is it OK to live and enjoy life this way, or is sex something that every human should experience? -- CURIOUS IN FLORIDA

DEAR CURIOUS: If someone is happy and enjoying life having never had sexual relations, then it's OK. However, if you are still a virgin because of fear of intimacy, this is something to discuss with a psychologist to help you understand what caused your fear and inability to trust, because you could be getting more out of life than you have settled for.