DEAR ABBY: I'm a 25-year-old, happily married woman with a great life. Ever since the birth of my son a little over a year ago, I find myself angry at things that happened in my childhood that I thought I had "gotten over."

Abby, I was mentally, physically and sexually abused by my father. He has never had to answer for his actions, which of course he denies. My mother was also emotionally and verbally abusive, as well as absent. I have a newfound anger toward her, and the hatred for my father has resurfaced. (I have had no contact with him for years.)

How do I get over this? I had therapy as a kid and I'm looking for other options. -- HAVING FLASHBACKS IN MARION, OHIO

DEAR HAVING FLASHBACKS: You may be looking for "other options," but more counseling may be the best option for you. Now that you're a mother yourself, with a daily reminder of how small and fragile a child is, it's not surprising you're angry at your parents for the way you were treated when you were little and helpless. A licensed psychotherapist can help you work this through in the shortest possible time, so please don't wait to ask for a referral.

DEAR ABBY: Less than a year ago, my 28-year-old son, "David," married his college sweetheart, "Ann." She's a wonderful girl. They bought a home near her job in the Midwest.

David sometimes goes out of state on temporary jobs. He called me a month ago, while on a job in a resort area, and told me he has met someone and wants out of his marriage. He said Ann has been great, they never argue, etc., but he was pressured into the marriage and doesn't really know where his life is going.

Ann has called me several times in tears. She said she will give him time, but she is almost ready to give up. I am heartbroken. I think my son is making a terrible mistake, as Ann truly loves him and will do anything for him. I love her like a daughter.

I have spoken to David and told him what I think, but I don't know what else to do. There is no good reason for this breakup. How can I help him not to go ahead with this? -- VERY SAD MOM IN MARYLAND

DEAR MOM: You can't prevent your son from leaving the marriage. However, you would do him and Ann a favor to suggest that when his business in the resort area is finished, they seek marriage counseling. David may want out because he met someone or, as he said, he didn't really want to be married in the first place. If there's an upside to this, it's that they didn't have children.

While the situation is sad and you love your daughter-in-law, do not allow yourself to be put in the middle or you will alienate your son. If the marriage doesn't work out, you can still have a relationship with her, although it won't be the one you planned on.

DEAR ABBY: What's the difference, in your opinion, between gossip and news? I have a friend who loves telling me things about other friends. I think she does it in order to let me know that she knows something I don't know. Frankly, I think she's invading the privacy of others. She considers it "news." I consider it gossip. -- UNWILLING LISTENER IN PHOENIX

DEAR UNWILLING: News is something that affects everyone. It's supposed to be fact-based. Gossip, on the other hand, a form of voyeurism, is often based on conjecture and its intent is titillation.

DEAR ABBY: I have an offensive habit of looking people "up and down" when I first meet them, and when I think no one is aware of it. I have tried breaking myself of the habit, but I often don't realize I'm doing it until I catch myself. I know other people notice.

I'm a shy, self-conscious person, but at my age I should be comfortable enough with myself to not allow my insecurities to be so obvious. How can I stop this bad habit? -- MS. LOOKIE-LOO IN GEORGIA

DEAR MS. LOOKIE-LOO: You may be looking people up and down because your social insecurity makes it difficult for you to look them in the eye -- which is what you should be doing. As with any habit, breaking it will take practice. When you meet someone, make a conscious effort to look no further down than the person's shoulders. If you can't continue eye contact, shift your glance between the person's mouth and forehead.

DEAR ABBY: My co-workers and I are having a debate and need you to settle it for us. "Anthony" was born in Mexico and spoke Spanish for the first four years of his life. He was then adopted and has lived in the United States ever since. He does not remember any Spanish at all.

Anthony says that Spanish is his first language (since it was the first one he learned) and that English is his second. My other co-workers, however, say that Spanish cannot be his first language if he doesn't know any. Who is correct? -- SPEAKING UP IN INDIANAPOLIS

DEAR SPEAKING UP: If Spanish was the language your co-worker learned in his early childhood, then Spanish was his first language. However, because he has spoken (and thought) only in English since the age of 4, English is his dominant language. Readers, do you agree?

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I went out to dinner recently at an upscale restaurant in a hotel in a nearby city. During the dinner I asked my wife not to scrape bread crumbs from the tablecloth onto the floor, and to please not use her fingernail to pry something from between her teeth.

She became upset with me for saying it. What she was doing embarrassed me; it didn't look appropriate. She says I should have waited to tell her. We have agreed to abide by your words. -- EMBARRASSED HUSBAND IN OREGON

DEAR EMBARRASSED: As long as you couldn't be overheard, there was nothing wrong with you saying it. In an upscale restaurant, the server is supposed to remove crumbs from the table -- not the diner. And if there was food between your wife's teeth, she should have excused herself from the table to remove it. (Ick!)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl and have a brother two years older than me. We look a lot alike. I often get, "You look like the girl version of your brother," etc. This doesn't bother me, but I really don't know a polite response to the comment. Any ideas? -- RESEMBLES MY BROTHER

DEAR RESEMBLES: Just smile and say, "No, he looks like the boy version of me."

DEAR ABBY: I have a son with two good friends. They are at my house often and are really good boys. I enjoy them, and I'm glad my son is friendly with them.

The problem is their mothers. Both these women are receptive to playdate invites, but when I see them in social situations, they say very little to me and almost act as if they don't know me. Even when they pick up their kids, talking to them is awkward, and they give the impression they're always in a hurry.

I think if your kids spend five hours at my house and I have fed them, I deserve a little face time at the very least. I find their behavior rude and would love to say something. I'm just not sure how. What do you suggest? -- PLAYDATE ETIQUETTE

DEAR PLAYDATE ETIQUETTE: I think you are expecting too much of these women. Because your son is friendly with theirs does not guarantee that the friendship must extend to the parents. If the only thing you have in common with them is the fact that their boys spend time with your son, then it may not be so much a matter of what you "deserve" but what they are comfortable with. If you want to be compensated for the snacks, then say so, but don't expect them to be paid for with friendship ... 'cause it ain't gonna happen.

DEAR ABBY: I have been widowed for four years and have had the good fortune to meet someone special. I'll call him Jerry. My mother-in-law, whom I am very close to, is still grieving the loss of her son. She says it is hard for her to see Jerry and me together.

Does this mean I can't invite him to any family events? We are at the point in our relationship where I think it would be unkind to make him feel like he is not welcome. Jerry has been patient, loving and considerate of me and my kids. What do you think I should do? -- DOESN'T WANT TO HURT HER

DEAR DOESN'T: Your mother-in-law will always grieve the loss of her son. The question is, is she willing to risk becoming distanced from you and the grandchildren? Talk to her about your relationship with Jerry and explain that you still would like to be a part of her life, but that it will require her to accept the new man in yours.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Joanne," is 42 and lives at home with me. She's attractive, friendly, well-liked and has a good job. She pays all her own bills.

The problem is, she seems stuck in her life. She hasn't dated in years and appears content to just go to work and come home.

Whenever I try to encourage her to get out more, she says, "It is what it is." She's not shy. She's outgoing, so I don't understand. I'd love for her to be independent and have her own apartment. Sometimes she'll turn it around and ask, "Do you want me to leave?"

Joanne doesn't seem to understand that I'm concerned only for her future. She has no siblings, and I worry that when I'm gone she'll be alone. I want her to get out more, meet someone and eventually fall in love. How do I get through to her without nagging? -- ONLY WANTS THE BEST FOR HER

DEAR ONLY WANTS THE BEST: Your daughter has many positive attributes. Has it occurred to you that she may be perfectly happy with her life as it is and not looking for the kind of life you would like her to have? Worrying about her won't do either of you any good. Let the future work itself out. There's an old proverb with much truth in it: "Man plans; God laughs."