DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Vic," and I used to work at the same company. While I worked there I noticed that one of the women who worked in the building cafe seemed to have a crush on him.

I left work to be a stay-at-home mom. I trust my husband and know he would never do anything with this woman. However, I'm uncomfortable because he talks about her often, and she gives him free food just about every day and jokes around with him. If I have lunch with Vic there, she won't look at me. She and I used to talk often.

I haven't said anything to him about how I feel. Should I worry about this? Should I ask him to be careful around her? -- ALLERGIC TO WHAT SHE'S SERVING

DEAR ALLERGIC: Mention to your husband that you have noticed a change in the server's reaction to you, if you wish -- but I don't think you have anything to be worried about. She probably does have a crush on Vic, and the reason she can't look at you may be she feels guilty for flirting with him, or your presence is a reminder that he is unavailable, which spoils her fantasy.

DEAR ABBY: I'm the mother of three sons. Over the years, I would sometimes play rough and wrestle with them, all in good fun. Now that they're almost all grown and out of the house, I find myself getting carried away with this type of play with my spouse. He was on the wrestling team in school, so invariably I always lose. But he knows how to play without hurting me.

Is there something wrong with me for wanting to play so rough at times? He seems to enjoy it, but there have been times when I've walked away bruised if I let him go too far. Otherwise, I'm an ordinary female who you'd never guess would love to wrestle. How many other women out there do this? -- FEELING WEIRD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FEELING WEIRD: I don't have the figures, but some women like to wrestle as a form of foreplay. However, because it is leaving you with bruises, you and your spouse may be carrying the wrestling a bit too far. If it's not foreplay, but some form of competition, perhaps you should consider taking up another sport with him where you'll have a chance of winning sometimes rather than always being the loser.

DEAR ABBY: How does one politely but firmly turn down door-to-door salespeople? How should I respond to salespeople who become rude once I tell them I'm not interested? Many of them become hostile once they realize I can't be persuaded to buy what they're selling. -- NO THANK YOU IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR NO THANK YOU: If this is happening regularly, the first thing to do is post a sign next to your door that says "No Soliciting." When someone you don't know knocks or rings your bell, don't answer it. If you somehow get trapped into hearing the sales pitch, when the person pauses for breath say firmly, "Not interested," and close your door. Remember, the person is not trying to make a friend of you; the person wants something. You do not have to tolerate rudeness.

DEAR ABBY: I'm married to the love of my life. My wife is a beautiful woman, 50 years old, in great shape and she looks 35. My problem is whenever we go out, if I ask her to wear something sexy for me, she always says, "I'm too old to dress like that" and refuses. However, when she dresses for work, she spends hours on her appearance and dresses very sexy.

I have told her it bothers me, but she says I'm being silly and she just wants to look good for her management job. She's constantly buying new outfits for work. This morning she left wearing a sexy short miniskirt and boots.

She is an independent woman who does what she wants. I don't spend my time trying to control her by any means. I trust her and seriously doubt there's another man. But I feel this is a matter of her not respecting my feelings as her husband. Am I wrong? Is there something else going on here? I need your help. -- LIKES HER SEXY IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR LIKES HER SEXY: There's something sad about the fact that your wife doesn't want to put the same amount of effort into looking as good when she goes out with you as she does when she leaves for work. Rather than turning this into a power struggle, the next time you want to take her out looking sexy, ask her to just "throw on something she would wear to the office" and see if you have better luck.

DEAR ABBY: I am 18 and will be graduating in May of next year. Because I have always done well in school, my family expects me to go right off to a big-league college.

Abby, I want to go to college, but not right away. (I am also not too fond of staying in dorms.) I want to be a zoologist, and plan on going to school for it, but I feel that my family is rushing me into college because they expect it of me. When I tell them my other interest is hairstyling, and I may want to take a year off to do that to save up money, they put me down and compare me to my successful college cousins.

I want my family to be proud of me because I have worked hard in school. I only wish they would be just as proud of me if I maintained a nice job for a few years and then went to college. (I have been told if I choose that path, I will never go to college and I'll never make good money.)

They also blame my not wanting to go to college right away on my boyfriend of two years. I assure you, that is not the reason. I want to attend an in-state college, and I would still be able to see him. Do you have any advice? -- SCHOOLED-OUT IN COLORADO

DEAR SCHOOLED-OUT: The longer you delay college, the more distractions there will be and the harder it will be for you to go back. Yes, people do it. But juggling a job and going to school is more difficult than going to school full-time, and it takes longer to get the degree. I urge you to listen to your parents. They have your best interests at heart.

DEAR ABBY: You once printed a letter from a man who was dying. He wanted his surviving widow to pursue happiness after his death with some man who would be kind to her. The letter was mainly addressed to those who might stand in judgment if she began dating soon after he was gone.

Abby, is there a rule of thumb about how long the widow or widower should wait after the death of the spouse to begin pursuing another relationship? -- LONELY IN GADSDEN, ALA.

DEAR LONELY: There was a time when it was considered scandalous for a widow or widower to date before a year of mourning had passed. However, today the grieving spouse may begin to date whenever he or she feels ready to do so.

The letter you remember was signed "'Mac' in Oregon," and it bears repeating. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for supporting the widow who started dating three months after her husband died. You were right when you told her, "The time to show respect for one's spouse is while that spouse is living."

Here is my story, and there must be a few thousand husbands (and wives) who feel the same as I do.

My wife and I have had many good years together. We raised kids, lived through joyous good times and horrendous bad times.

I am in my 18th month of chemo treatment for various cancers. I may live three months or five years. It doesn't matter how short or how long my life will be, but it's reasonable to assume that I will die before my wife does.

I have had a more rewarding and fruitful life than I probably deserve, for which I am grateful. But the day I die, my last thoughts will be regret that I shall leave her alone. So sad, to me, to know that after so many months of total concentration on my welfare -- days of putting up with my misery and never letting me see her own misery -- her reward will be to be left alone.

Abby, she is not the kind of person who should be left alone.

So I tell her now, and I want all my kids and friends to listen: "As soon as you possibly can, after throwing my ashes off the boat into the Pacific, wrap the memories of our life together around you -- and begin a new life. If three days, or three months, after I'm gone, you find a man who will love and cherish you for a few years as I have for so many, go for it! You've earned it." -- "MAC" IN OREGON

DEAR MAC: Your sincerity rings true, leaving me uncharacteristically speechless. Thanks for a two-hankie letter.

DEAR ABBY: My granddaughter is due to have a baby in a short while. She wants to have a baby shower and would like to invite her girlfriends with their husbands or boyfriends.

I always thought that baby showers were for females only. What is your opinion? -- WONDERING GRANDMOTHER

DEAR WONDERING: Times have changed. Baby showers now often include men and take place on a weekend afternoon, preferably not on the same day as a major sports event.

One thing that hasn't changed, however: A baby shower is usually hosted by friends of the parents-to-be, rather than family.