DEAR ABBY: You once printed a letter from a man who was dying. He wanted his surviving widow to pursue happiness after his death with some man who would be kind to her. The letter was mainly addressed to those who might stand in judgment if she began dating soon after he was gone.

Abby, is there a rule of thumb about how long the widow or widower should wait after the death of the spouse to begin pursuing another relationship? -- LONELY IN GADSDEN, ALA.

DEAR LONELY: There was a time when it was considered scandalous for a widow or widower to date before a year of mourning had passed. However, today the grieving spouse may begin to date whenever he or she feels ready to do so.

The letter you remember was signed "'Mac' in Oregon," and it bears repeating. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for supporting the widow who started dating three months after her husband died. You were right when you told her, "The time to show respect for one's spouse is while that spouse is living."

Here is my story, and there must be a few thousand husbands (and wives) who feel the same as I do.

My wife and I have had many good years together. We raised kids, lived through joyous good times and horrendous bad times.

I am in my 18th month of chemo treatment for various cancers. I may live three months or five years. It doesn't matter how short or how long my life will be, but it's reasonable to assume that I will die before my wife does.

I have had a more rewarding and fruitful life than I probably deserve, for which I am grateful. But the day I die, my last thoughts will be regret that I shall leave her alone. So sad, to me, to know that after so many months of total concentration on my welfare -- days of putting up with my misery and never letting me see her own misery -- her reward will be to be left alone.

Abby, she is not the kind of person who should be left alone.

So I tell her now, and I want all my kids and friends to listen: "As soon as you possibly can, after throwing my ashes off the boat into the Pacific, wrap the memories of our life together around you -- and begin a new life. If three days, or three months, after I'm gone, you find a man who will love and cherish you for a few years as I have for so many, go for it! You've earned it." -- "MAC" IN OREGON

DEAR MAC: Your sincerity rings true, leaving me uncharacteristically speechless. Thanks for a two-hankie letter.

DEAR ABBY: My granddaughter is due to have a baby in a short while. She wants to have a baby shower and would like to invite her girlfriends with their husbands or boyfriends.

I always thought that baby showers were for females only. What is your opinion? -- WONDERING GRANDMOTHER

DEAR WONDERING: Times have changed. Baby showers now often include men and take place on a weekend afternoon, preferably not on the same day as a major sports event.

One thing that hasn't changed, however: A baby shower is usually hosted by friends of the parents-to-be, rather than family.

DEAR ABBY: Seven years ago, while on a business trip to Europe, I went to a bar, got drunk and went back to my hotel with one of the "hostesses." It was a one-night stand, but my wife found out.

I quit drinking with the help of AA and have never had another affair. However, I am a sociable, friendly person, and I like to share laughs and light-hearted conversation with members of both sexes.

Although my wife claims to have forgiven me, she constantly brings up my "fling" and makes it clear that she doesn't trust me to this day, despite my repeated apologies, my desire to make amends and my determination never to do it again. She has made my life a living hell. She has an extremely caustic tongue that she uses at every opportunity to embarrass and humiliate me.

I no longer love her, but her health isn't the best and she hasn't worked for several years. What can I do, Abby? I feel so alone and stuck. -- DESPERATE IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR DESPERATE: Because you are both miserable, do what other couples with troubled marriages do -- get marriage counseling to see if you and your wife can reach an understanding you both can live with. If that doesn't work, however, and she continues to berate and humiliate you, consult a lawyer and go on with your life.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are going to Italy next year and taking our two sons, ages 8 and 12, with us. We have planned and saved for this trip for five years.

When my sister-in-law heard about it, she invited herself along, with her husband and two children who are my sons' ages. Although I love all of them, I don't want to spend my vacation of a lifetime with her. She often pawns her children off on others while she goes and does her own thing. She's a pro at it and has done it to me many times.

How do I approach this without anyone's feelings being hurt? There's no way I can go on this trip with her. I'd rather not go. Help! -- BOUND FOR ITALY

DEAR BOUND: You may be "bound," but were you also gagged when your sister-in-law invited herself and her family along? That's when you should have had the gumption to say no.

The longer you put off telling her, the harder it will be, so tell her NOW. If you don't have the courage to do it alone, you and your husband should do it together. You have every right to go on your dream trip the way you and your husband planned it. His sister can schedule her family's visit to Italy at another time.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have clearly stated more than once that we didn't plan to have children. Recently, however, we realized that we had simply not been ready.

We have decided to try for a baby in the near future. If we are lucky enough to conceive, how will we respond to the inevitable barrage of questions about whether or not the baby was planned? -- TAKING IT BACK IN NEW YORK

DEAR TAKING IT BACK: Just say you changed your mind and the baby not only isn't an accident but is a welcome blessing.

DEAR ABBY: What do you think about a grandmother getting into a Jacuzzi with her 6-year-old granddaughter? This has caused a big rift in our family.

At a large recent family gathering, my daughter couldn't accommodate all of us sleeping at her home, so some of us rented rooms at a nearby motel.

My son-in-law's parents took my granddaughter "Charise" to their room to spend the night. The bathroom had a Jacuzzi tub in it, and Grandma and Charise bathed in it together. When they told my daughter about it the next day, she became upset because she thought it was inappropriate for an adult to be in the tub with her young daughter.

My daughter's mother-in-law said she was not ashamed of her body and she refused to apologize to my daughter for what happened. My son-in-law has sided with his mother. What do you think? -- SHOCKED IN CINCINNATI

DEAR SHOCKED: I fail to see what the uproar was about, since the grandmother and grandchild are the same sex and we all come with the same standard equipment. It's not worth causing a rift in the family -- so tell your daughter to cool down and stop making waves.

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with my husband, "Howard." I moved two hours away from my family, left my job and sold my house and car to be married to him. Now I feel trapped.

We have been married three years. It wasn't like this in the beginning. I'm a housewife who takes care of his mother who lives with us (another story). I can't go anywhere. I'm at home all day, every day, except when his mother needs to go to the doctor. He refuses to get another car because he's "afraid" I'm going to meet someone else if I go out. I'm at my wits' end.

Howard doesn't like my friends -- the three that I do have. He has taken church away from me because he believes a husband and wife should go to church together, and he doesn't, therefore neither should I. He's verbally abusive and manipulative. I feel I can't do anything right, and he proclaims to be a perfectionist. Everything revolves around him and his likes, needs and wants.

This is a second marriage for both of us. He admits that he's insecure. I love him, but I can't take this anymore. I want to leave, but I don't know how or where to begin. If I were to go home, I'd have nothing -- no home, no car, no job or money.

We have no children together. What is your advice? -- TRAPPED IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR TRAPPED: By now you must realize there is no way to assuage your husband's insecurity and need to control. No wonder this is his second marriage. I'm betting it won't be his last, either. Look at it this way: He has a housekeeper, a built-in caregiver for his mother and someone whose every move he can control.

There are worse things than going home, starting from scratch and rebuilding your life. The first that comes to mind is continuing to live in a marriage like this one. So please, pick up the phone and ask your family to come and get you. And if you are afraid that he could become violent, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The toll-free number is 800-799-7233. They will help you formulate an escape plan.