DEAR ABBY: I am a longtime reader. This is the first time I have ever written to you, and I'm hoping you will have an answer for me. I'd like to know the proper way to address a surviving gay spouse in the unfortunate event of a death.

Is a gay man who has lost his husband a widower or a widow (seeing as he lost his husband and not a wife)? Is the title of the survivor dependent on his or her gender or the gender of their partner?

I'm only 29 and I hope I won't have to use this information for many years, but I'd like to know the proper terminology. For the record, I support gay marriage because I believe in true love in all its forms. -- HANNAH IN CARROLLTON, GA.

DEAR HANNAH: Regardless of sexual orientation, if a male loses his spouse, he is a widower, and if a woman loses her spouse, she is a widow. The terms don't change because the union was a same-sex relationship.

DEAR ABBY: I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder many years ago. I started a combined therapy about a year ago -- individual and a dialectical behavioral therapy group. Everything has been going great, and I have learned a lot about myself. The problem is, I have become very attracted to my therapist and, as a result, I feel it is interfering with my treatment.

Lately, my only interest in going to group or therapy is to see him and be in his presence. I also find myself canceling group if I know he won't be there.

I am confused as to why I am having these feelings. Is it part of my bipolar disorder, or something else? Surely, this would be something I would bring up to my therapist, but unfortunately, I'm embarrassed.

Abby, what do you suggest I do in a situation like this? I feel like putting a hold on therapy for a while because of this, but I know that I still need it. -- NEEDS THERAPY IN ILLINOIS

DEAR NEEDS THERAPY: Please don't use this as an excuse to stop your therapy. Your feelings are very common in psychotherapy. The term for it is "transference." It is the process by which emotions associated with one person -- such as a parent -- unconsciously shift to another. In your case, that's your therapist.

Because you're finding it distracting, it's important that you discuss this privately with your therapist. It won't be the first time he has heard it, I guarantee. I'll bet if you asked in a group session, "How many people here are in love with Dr. So-and-So?" almost every hand in the room would go up.

DEAR ABBY: My husband makes his living doing general construction. We have no employees. We get along fantastic, except for one point of contention.

Over the years we have made investments in tools for his trade. Another family member constantly asks to borrow them for personal projects. My husband willingly lends them out. If he needs that tool for a job, he will go without, reschedule his work or make a special trip to retrieve it.

I say the only way he should lend out his tools is if there is a slim to zero chance at all of his needing it himself, and if he does, then it must be returned immediately.

Also, we are a paycheck-to-paycheck family and this family member is wealthy. These tools are our way of making a living, and we need to be ready for any job at a moment's notice. Please advise. -- TOOLS OF THE TRADE

DEAR T.O.T.T.: Your husband appears to be a very nice person, but providing for his family should come first. His tools are his livelihood, just as those belonging to a barber, beautician, seamstress or doctor would be. Because his relative has the money, he (or she) should inquire about renting the necessary tool from a home improvement store, or search for "tool rentals" in the Yellow Pages or online.

DEAR ABBY: Over the past month I have accidentally dialed a couple of wrong numbers. Because no one answered, I didn't think it was necessary to leave a message.

Abby, both times the recipient of the wrong number called me to find out why I had called. The first time it was an irate mother demanding to know why I was calling her kid's cellphone. She threatened to call the police if I ever called again. The second individual also angrily demanded to know why I was calling. These folks could not accept the fact that I had simply misdialed.

I feel their reactions were unwarranted. Would you agree? What is the best way to respond if it happens again? -- HONESTLY MISTAKEN IN PLANO, TEXAS

DEAR HONESTLY MISTAKEN: People call wrong numbers every day. A misdial can occur if the caller is in a hurry or has poor vision, and it should not be a cause for panic or rudeness. If it happens again, the best way to respond is, "I misdialed. I'm sorry I bothered you." Then end the call.

DEAR ABBY: My mother's Alzheimer's became apparent after she was in a car accident. I should have noticed the signs earlier, but I didn't. Her body recovered, her mind did not.

I built a new house with a separate suite for her. My wife and I tried to care for her for a year, but I'm disabled and Mom was afraid of my wife. There was never a moment's peace. Fearing for our collective health, I finally placed Mom into an assisted living facility. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life.

My children criticized me but offered no alternatives. I visited her as often as possible. Because I could no longer drive, I sent someone with gifts and treats for her. Mom died in 2007 after 10 years in the facility. The last few years she didn't know me from a doorknob. Her disease left my wife and me drained emotionally and financially. I still feel guilty for not doing more. The look of fear on her face haunts me still. Is this normal for someone in my circumstances? -- ONLY CHILD IN FLORIDA

DEAR ONLY CHILD: Yes, it's very common. I'm sorry for your mother's passing and the difficult years you and your family experienced because of her illness.

Given the progressive nature of Alzheimer's, it can be extremely taxing and affect the physical, mental and financial health not only of the person with the disease, but also his or her caregivers. When caregivers attempt to shoulder these responsibilities alone, they put their own health at risk. Moving your mother into a residential facility was a way to ensure she got the care she needed and take care of yourself at the same time.

Alzheimer's disease is often referred to as a "marathon, not a sprint." That's why it's important for caregivers to get help -- whether it's a residential facility, professional in-home help or family and friends. If they don't, the results can be disastrous.

It's common for caregivers to feel guilty and wish they could have done more, but it's important that you let these feelings go. You did everything you could to ensure your mother received the best care possible. If you need to talk to someone about your feelings, call the Alzheimer's Association toll-free 24/7 helpline at 800-272-3900, or visit alz.org online to find a local chapter or support group.

DEAR ABBY: Some friends of ours entertain often, and ask certain guests to bring dishes for as many as 15 to 18 people. This has evolved to the point that I am often left a message telling me to come up with a specific dish. Because I am a good cook, the dishes they request can be quite elaborate.

Last week, two of the eight couples invited were asked to bring a dish for dinner. As I was unwrapping mine, the hostess told me to mix it together with the other one, which had been bought at the supermarket! She seemed put out with me when I replied that I had spent many hours preparing my dish and would rather not combine them.

Abby, four years of this is enough for me. In the future when I'm invited, I'll accept and say that I'll contribute some wine. Period.

Please don't advise that we refuse invitations from this family -- they are my husband's oldest friends, and our husbands do business together. By the way, this couple is very wealthy. They could afford to cater all of these gatherings. -- NOT THE HIRED HELP

DEAR NOT THE HIRED HELP: Take wine and offer no apologies. If it was good enough for the Last Supper, it should be good enough for your friends.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, "Connie," and I have been together for 13 months. I have been divorced a year and a half. Connie's divorce became final six months ago, but she and her husband were separated for more than a year.

Connie's daughter, "Libby," is being married later this year. She's a wonderful girl, and I wish she were my daughter. I wish her the best. My problem is, I will not be attending the rehearsal dinner, the wedding or the reception. Connie says that if I were to show up, her ex would make a scene and ruin the day for Libby. He hasn't gotten on with his life, and Connie wants Libby's day to be special.

I understand that, but I have mixed emotions. I love Libby very much and would never do anything to hurt her, but I truly want to be a part of Connie's and Libby's lives.

It's going to be hard for me to sit home while everyone else is enjoying the celebration. Please give me your view. -- LEFT OUT IN LITTLE ROCK

DEAR LEFT OUT: The last thing you should do is sit home and brood. Make plans with friends for those two days and keep yourself occupied. You are neither "Cinderfella" nor an outcast, and I'm sure Connie feels as bad as you that you'll be absent from the festivities.

Connie is sacrificing her personal preference to ensure that her daughter's wedding goes as smoothly as possible. She knows what kind of a scene her ex-husband is capable of. Please support her and do not take this personally.

DEAR ABBY: Please settle a long-standing family dispute. Is the spider that climbed up the waterspout itsy-bitsy or eensy-weensy? -- WEBBED IN COLUMBIA, MD.

DEAR WEBBED: If the dispute is long-standing, then it is not eensy-weensy. However, the spider that climbed up the waterspout was itsy-bitsy, at least that's the way I learned it.