DEAR ABBY: Some friends of ours entertain often, and ask certain guests to bring dishes for as many as 15 to 18 people. This has evolved to the point that I am often left a message telling me to come up with a specific dish. Because I am a good cook, the dishes they request can be quite elaborate.

Last week, two of the eight couples invited were asked to bring a dish for dinner. As I was unwrapping mine, the hostess told me to mix it together with the other one, which had been bought at the supermarket! She seemed put out with me when I replied that I had spent many hours preparing my dish and would rather not combine them.

Abby, four years of this is enough for me. In the future when I'm invited, I'll accept and say that I'll contribute some wine. Period.

Please don't advise that we refuse invitations from this family -- they are my husband's oldest friends, and our husbands do business together. By the way, this couple is very wealthy. They could afford to cater all of these gatherings. -- NOT THE HIRED HELP

DEAR NOT THE HIRED HELP: Take wine and offer no apologies. If it was good enough for the Last Supper, it should be good enough for your friends.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, "Connie," and I have been together for 13 months. I have been divorced a year and a half. Connie's divorce became final six months ago, but she and her husband were separated for more than a year.

Connie's daughter, "Libby," is being married later this year. She's a wonderful girl, and I wish she were my daughter. I wish her the best. My problem is, I will not be attending the rehearsal dinner, the wedding or the reception. Connie says that if I were to show up, her ex would make a scene and ruin the day for Libby. He hasn't gotten on with his life, and Connie wants Libby's day to be special.

I understand that, but I have mixed emotions. I love Libby very much and would never do anything to hurt her, but I truly want to be a part of Connie's and Libby's lives.

It's going to be hard for me to sit home while everyone else is enjoying the celebration. Please give me your view. -- LEFT OUT IN LITTLE ROCK

DEAR LEFT OUT: The last thing you should do is sit home and brood. Make plans with friends for those two days and keep yourself occupied. You are neither "Cinderfella" nor an outcast, and I'm sure Connie feels as bad as you that you'll be absent from the festivities.

Connie is sacrificing her personal preference to ensure that her daughter's wedding goes as smoothly as possible. She knows what kind of a scene her ex-husband is capable of. Please support her and do not take this personally.

DEAR ABBY: Please settle a long-standing family dispute. Is the spider that climbed up the waterspout itsy-bitsy or eensy-weensy? -- WEBBED IN COLUMBIA, MD.

DEAR WEBBED: If the dispute is long-standing, then it is not eensy-weensy. However, the spider that climbed up the waterspout was itsy-bitsy, at least that's the way I learned it.

DEAR ABBY: My brother left his wife of nine years and his children for another woman. They now have a baby together. His wife nearly had a nervous breakdown because of it, and his children are understandably upset with the situation.

My question has to do with his new baby. I would like to send my brother a congratulatory card, even though his divorce isn't final. Our mother is furious and refuses to speak to him, let alone congratulate him. Still, I would like to send a card and a gift for the baby. How should I handle this? -- UNDECIDED

DEAR UNDECIDED: Send a card and a gift to the baby. The child should not be punished because of the behavior of the parents. However, considering the circumstances, forgo the congratulatory card to your brother.

DEAR ABBY: My two friends and I will be 12 soon. We would like to try to make our own money so we can get off our parents' backs. There are things like lip gloss and magazines we'd like to buy.

We have considered baby-sitting. But are we old enough? We'd appreciate your input. -- KAYLA IN MISSOURI

DEAR KAYLA: In baby-sitting, it isn't how old a person is but how mature and responsible the prospective sitter is. Some 12- and 13-year-olds are mature enough to handle it; others are not.

However, before deciding how your earnings will be spent, talk to your parents to determine how much they would like you to begin saving. It's never too early to start.

DEAR ABBY: In the 17 years I have been married, my husband has never called me by my name. Nor has he ever used a term of endearment such as "Honey" or "Sweetheart." It's just "Hey ..." or "Ummm ..."

Am I crazy? I was raised to believe you address a person by name, say "thank you" if someone does something nice, and compliment a person if he or she has done well. Can you help me understand why he behaves this way? -- I HAVE A NAME

DEAR I HAVE A NAME: Did your husband treat you this way before you married him? If so, you married an undemonstrative lump of a man who apparently never learned basic manners while growing up. If it started after your wedding -- and after you told him how his behavior makes you feel, he has persisted -- then understand that he is trying to punish you for something.

Now I have a question for you: Why have you tolerated this kind of passive-aggressive behavior for 17 years?

DEAR ABBY: When someone at the office lends you a lint remover, should you return it with the used lint paper still on it -- or tear it off and return it with a fresh one? Please let me know which is appropriate. -- ANGELICA IN SAN JOSE, CALIF.

DEAR ANGELICA: If the roller was clean when it was given to you, then it should not be returned with lint on it. In other words, when an item is borrowed, it should be returned in the same condition in which it was loaned.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Albert," divorced me three years ago. Afterward, I found out he was with a 28-year-old woman he had met in a bar. After she took him for what little money he had, he came crawling back to me. Like a fool, I stupidly took him back because I still had feelings for him.

Last week, I caught Albert on the Internet inviting a 23-year-old woman to play bingo over the weekend. Then I discovered another email indicating he had actually met her.

I kicked him out, of course. Albert never supported me; I always paid my own way. We were together for 22 years, Abby, and now I wish I had every one of them back. Why do old men search for young women to run around with, and why do young women think all old men have money? -- USED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR USED: Older men like young women because it helps them forget, for a little while, how old they really are. Also, young women tend to be more naive and less judgmental, assuming that gray temples are a sign of wisdom. They also assume that after decades in the workforce an older man has a sizable nest egg.

You are not the only woman who has listened to her heart and made the same mistake twice -- or more. Consider yourself ahead of the game because you are not economically dependent on your husband. Take the lessons you have learned, move on and have a happy life. You deserve it. You'll be fine without this compulsive two-timer. Trust me!

DEAR ABBY: Whatever happened to telephone etiquette?

We are a busy family and receive many calls from business associates and acquaintances. Abby, they feel free to call at any time, for the most trivial reasons! I guess it's a reflection of our open-24-hours-a-day society, but I consider it very rude.

One man, with whom my husband is on a committee, called at 11:30 p.m. When I politely asked him please not to call after 9:30 p.m. in the future, he became indignant!

My daughter's soccer coach made practice-reminder calls at 6 a.m. When we didn't answer, she left a message on our voicemail, but called again at 6:30 and 6:45 "to be sure we got the message"! I was brought up with the 9-to-9 rule -- you shouldn't call anyone you don't know well before 9 a.m. or after 9 p.m.

Also, polite callers identify themselves upfront, as in, "Hi. This is Joe Smith. May I please speak to Jack?" People call for my husband from all over the country. When he's not in, they often demand to know when he'll be back, his work schedule, his travel schedule and his contact information without revealing who they are.

Abby, please remind these people that they are interrupting someone's life with a phone call, and a little courtesy would go a long way. -- BUSY IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR BUSY: I think you've done an excellent job of that yourself. Your complaints reflect a general, regrettable decline in good manners and common sense. It's one of the reasons some people turn off their phones at night, or screen their calls with caller ID and voicemail.

Callers should always identify themselves. If they don't, before answering any questions, feel free to say, "May I ask who's calling?" Never reveal your husband's work schedule, travel schedule or contact information to anyone unless you know with whom you are speaking.