DEAR ABBY: I am 39, married, and a professional woman with a good income. My best friend, "Barbie," and I both went to work after high school without completing our education. However, after several years I decided to go to college and get a degree so I could change careers. It turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. My income has more than doubled.

Barbie is obviously jealous of my new life, which affords me opportunities to travel, take vacations, and have the money to buy things I couldn't afford before. She and her family barely make ends meet. Although we have been like sisters since childhood, I now feel as if I must walk on eggshells around her -- guarding my conversation lest I mention a new purchase or having time off. If something does slip out, Barbie becomes defensive and sarcastic.

Abby, I shouldn't have to apologize for my new lifestyle. I worked hard to make a change for myself. What can I do? I really like her, but this is becoming difficult.

An example: We went shopping last week. She bought only a gift she had to have for a birthday -- nothing for herself. I felt uncomfortable with my purchases, even though they weren't extravagant. She made a comment to the effect that "it must be nice to be able to buy something so frivolous."

I should mention that Barbie's parents are still willing to send her through college or a tech school, even at the age of 39, but she chooses not to make the effort. -- TIRED OF FEELING APOLOGETIC

DEAR TIRED: When your friend commented that it must be nice to be able to buy something frivolous, you had an opening to tell her that before you earned your degree you couldn't either, which was one of the reasons you decided it was time to change your life by returning to school. Your friend is fortunate she has parents who are able (and willing) to pay for her college education. How sad that she lacks the determination and drive to get one.

As things stand, the nature of your friendship with Barbie must change. If the relationship is to continue, you will have to forgo the shopping trips together and any references to your new lifestyle. Otherwise, they will be perceived as bragging, and the comparisons may be painful to her. Be prepared to be sensitive to that, or move on.

DEAR ABBY: I am the owner of a small boutique for women. My only full-time employee is everything an employer could ask for. However, she often comes in looking like she just crawled out of bed and doesn't own an iron.

What can I say to help her become more aware of her appearance? I don't want to hurt her feelings. I jokingly told her to "retire" a pair of slacks she frequently wears because they are too tight and the rear end is shiny. But this week she came in wearing them again -- so evidently, she didn't get the message.

Please help. Thank you. -- ANNE IN MISSOURI

DEAR ANNE: Because your employee didn't take the hint, you must be more direct with her. Explain that you expect her to dress more carefully for work because: 1. Her attire represents the image of the shop, and 2. a salesperson who is sharply dressed inspires customers to shop. Then tell her exactly what you expect from her, and offer to help her coordinate some acceptable outfits -- perhaps by giving her a discount on some items from the store.

If that doesn't work, consider putting together a "uniform" for her to wear when she's working. It's what some of the top designers have done in their stores.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 39-year-old gay man in a three-year relationship with a wonderful man. We had both come out of very long and abusive relationships when we met. He works hard, and I stay home and take care of the house, the animals and the yard. There is no kind of abuse in our relationship.

The problem is that I am an alcoholic. He keeps telling me he can handle it as long as there is no abuse. I feel I'm taking advantage of him and that he deserves better than this, and I have told him so.

I have been in rehab several times and tried AA. Nothing worked. I always go back to drinking. Where do I go from here? I don't want to lose the love of my life, but it's killing me inside that he has to put up with my drinking problem. -- NEEDS HELP IN FLORIDA

DEAR NEEDS HELP: There is abuse going on in your relationship -- substance abuse. Until you finally decide that there is something more important than a drink, you will remain stuck in your addiction. And as long as your partner continues to accept and "handle it," he will be your enabler. Where you go from here is up to you, but getting counseling for your low self-esteem and going back to AA would be giant steps in the right direction.

DEAR ABBY: It seems that every other letter you print concerns a demanding relative (a parent, in-law, sibling, etc.). The writer always wants to know how to avoid unreasonable demands without causing "unpleasantness." May I say a word to these folks?

Be honest and admit that the relationship is already unpleasant. Demanding people are impossible to please. They know their control over you depends on temper tantrums and/or fits of sulking and tears. They'll pitch these fits regularly no matter how hard you try to please them.

When faced with an unreasonable demand, just say "no." Don't waste time giving reasons or trying to work out a compromise. You already know it won't do any good. Then hunker down and wait for the explosion, keeping in mind that the longer you have been a doormat, the more violent and bitter the reaction will be.

Above all, do not be drawn into a fight! Controlling people love to fight, and they are good at it. Your weapon should be polite withdrawal. Refuse meetings. Screen your calls. Ignore letters and emails unless they contain an apology and indicate a sincere desire for change. It may shock your domineering relatives into more reasonable behavior.

If not, you haven't lost a thing. You may even find that your life is less complicated without them. Draw the line and let your family know that future relationships will be based on love and respect, or there will be no future relations. You won't regret it. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, KNOXVILLE, TENN.

DEAR BEEN THERE: People who have spent a lifetime trying to please others may find your recommendations difficult to put into practice. Habits can become so entrenched that they are hard to break without coaching and positive reinforcement. That is why I advise those who feel constantly put upon to consider taking classes in assertiveness training.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Have a happy, healthy and safe Fourth of July, everyone!

DEAR ABBY: I want you to know that you saved my life. I was a lonely, desperate woman, dying a slow and painful death. I had an eating disorder and weighed more than 400 pounds. I was taking many different medications and suffering from depression, high blood pressure and other ailments. Most of them were the result of my addictive eating. I wore a size 52 dress and had 89-inch hips. I had trouble caring for myself and I wanted to die.

One day, I saw a letter you had printed from a woman who seemed to know what I was feeling. She had gone to a 12-step program and was happy, successful and free from her addictive eating disorder.

Seeing her letter gave me a spark of hope. I sought and found a program called Overeaters Anonymous and began attending meetings. I took a sponsor and am in recovery from the food addiction. I lost more than 300 pounds and have lived in a normal-sized body for eight years. (It took a long time to lose that weight safely and sanely.)

Thanks to that letter in your column, and your continuing support of the 12-step programs, I am living a life that I never imagined possible. No words can ever express the gratitude I feel for what you have done for me and many others. At our meetings, speakers often share that they found recovery because of a letter to Dear Abby. Please keep the word going that there is hope for us, no matter how far down we are or how far we have gone. -- JANET IN ORLANDO, FLA.

DEAR JANET: Thank you for a heartwarming letter. It's gratifying to know you were helped because of something you read in my column. I hope your success will inspire others who also suffer from compulsive overeating and are unaware that help is available.

Overeaters Anonymous has more than 6,500 groups in more than 80 countries. There are no requirements for membership except a desire to stop eating compulsively. I have attended some of the meetings. There is no shaming, no weighing and no embarrassment -- only a fellowship of compassionate people who share a common problem.

Chapters are located in almost every city, but anyone who has difficulty locating one should go to www.oa.org, or send a long, self-addressed stamped envelope to Overeaters Anonymous World Service Office, P.O. Box 44020, Rio Rancho, NM 87174-4020. The email address is info@oa.org.

DEAR ABBY: We have a friend who lives in another city and takes a lot of trips. She visits me a couple of times a year. When she does, she brings along a large photo album from her most recent vacation and insists we sit down with her so she can give us a running commentary about each snapshot. Abby, her travelogues last an hour or more.

We're pleased that our friend enjoys her trips, but we no longer wish to be subjected to her "presentations." We would never expect her -- or anyone -- to view all the pictures we take on our travels. How can we gently explain this to her? -- WEARY IN THE WEST

DEAR WEARY: The next time your houseguest hauls out her photo album, try this: Tell her you'd love to hear about her trip, but you'd like her to show you only two or three of her "favorite" pictures from her most memorable destination. That may narrow the field and shorten the monologue.