DEAR ABBY: I am a 39-year-old gay man in a three-year relationship with a wonderful man. We had both come out of very long and abusive relationships when we met. He works hard, and I stay home and take care of the house, the animals and the yard. There is no kind of abuse in our relationship.

The problem is that I am an alcoholic. He keeps telling me he can handle it as long as there is no abuse. I feel I'm taking advantage of him and that he deserves better than this, and I have told him so.

I have been in rehab several times and tried AA. Nothing worked. I always go back to drinking. Where do I go from here? I don't want to lose the love of my life, but it's killing me inside that he has to put up with my drinking problem. -- NEEDS HELP IN FLORIDA

DEAR NEEDS HELP: There is abuse going on in your relationship -- substance abuse. Until you finally decide that there is something more important than a drink, you will remain stuck in your addiction. And as long as your partner continues to accept and "handle it," he will be your enabler. Where you go from here is up to you, but getting counseling for your low self-esteem and going back to AA would be giant steps in the right direction.

DEAR ABBY: It seems that every other letter you print concerns a demanding relative (a parent, in-law, sibling, etc.). The writer always wants to know how to avoid unreasonable demands without causing "unpleasantness." May I say a word to these folks?

Be honest and admit that the relationship is already unpleasant. Demanding people are impossible to please. They know their control over you depends on temper tantrums and/or fits of sulking and tears. They'll pitch these fits regularly no matter how hard you try to please them.

When faced with an unreasonable demand, just say "no." Don't waste time giving reasons or trying to work out a compromise. You already know it won't do any good. Then hunker down and wait for the explosion, keeping in mind that the longer you have been a doormat, the more violent and bitter the reaction will be.

Above all, do not be drawn into a fight! Controlling people love to fight, and they are good at it. Your weapon should be polite withdrawal. Refuse meetings. Screen your calls. Ignore letters and emails unless they contain an apology and indicate a sincere desire for change. It may shock your domineering relatives into more reasonable behavior.

If not, you haven't lost a thing. You may even find that your life is less complicated without them. Draw the line and let your family know that future relationships will be based on love and respect, or there will be no future relations. You won't regret it. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, KNOXVILLE, TENN.

DEAR BEEN THERE: People who have spent a lifetime trying to please others may find your recommendations difficult to put into practice. Habits can become so entrenched that they are hard to break without coaching and positive reinforcement. That is why I advise those who feel constantly put upon to consider taking classes in assertiveness training.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Have a happy, healthy and safe Fourth of July, everyone!

DEAR ABBY: I want you to know that you saved my life. I was a lonely, desperate woman, dying a slow and painful death. I had an eating disorder and weighed more than 400 pounds. I was taking many different medications and suffering from depression, high blood pressure and other ailments. Most of them were the result of my addictive eating. I wore a size 52 dress and had 89-inch hips. I had trouble caring for myself and I wanted to die.

One day, I saw a letter you had printed from a woman who seemed to know what I was feeling. She had gone to a 12-step program and was happy, successful and free from her addictive eating disorder.

Seeing her letter gave me a spark of hope. I sought and found a program called Overeaters Anonymous and began attending meetings. I took a sponsor and am in recovery from the food addiction. I lost more than 300 pounds and have lived in a normal-sized body for eight years. (It took a long time to lose that weight safely and sanely.)

Thanks to that letter in your column, and your continuing support of the 12-step programs, I am living a life that I never imagined possible. No words can ever express the gratitude I feel for what you have done for me and many others. At our meetings, speakers often share that they found recovery because of a letter to Dear Abby. Please keep the word going that there is hope for us, no matter how far down we are or how far we have gone. -- JANET IN ORLANDO, FLA.

DEAR JANET: Thank you for a heartwarming letter. It's gratifying to know you were helped because of something you read in my column. I hope your success will inspire others who also suffer from compulsive overeating and are unaware that help is available.

Overeaters Anonymous has more than 6,500 groups in more than 80 countries. There are no requirements for membership except a desire to stop eating compulsively. I have attended some of the meetings. There is no shaming, no weighing and no embarrassment -- only a fellowship of compassionate people who share a common problem.

Chapters are located in almost every city, but anyone who has difficulty locating one should go to www.oa.org, or send a long, self-addressed stamped envelope to Overeaters Anonymous World Service Office, P.O. Box 44020, Rio Rancho, NM 87174-4020. The email address is info@oa.org.

DEAR ABBY: We have a friend who lives in another city and takes a lot of trips. She visits me a couple of times a year. When she does, she brings along a large photo album from her most recent vacation and insists we sit down with her so she can give us a running commentary about each snapshot. Abby, her travelogues last an hour or more.

We're pleased that our friend enjoys her trips, but we no longer wish to be subjected to her "presentations." We would never expect her -- or anyone -- to view all the pictures we take on our travels. How can we gently explain this to her? -- WEARY IN THE WEST

DEAR WEARY: The next time your houseguest hauls out her photo album, try this: Tell her you'd love to hear about her trip, but you'd like her to show you only two or three of her "favorite" pictures from her most memorable destination. That may narrow the field and shorten the monologue.

DEAR ABBY: When I was a child, my mother -- a bipolar schizophrenic -- abused me. At 12, I decided I had had enough of her mental and physical abuse. A family friend helped me to leave and be placed with my father. I am now 35 and haven't seen my mother since then.

A few years ago I wrote her a letter. In it I included pictures of my children, saying I would like her to know her grandchildren. She ripped the photos into pieces and sent them back with a note telling me to leave her alone and that I had "made my choice in life."

Last month, I received a letter from her saying she regretted destroying the pictures and would now like me to send more and she could meet us all. She also asked me for $6,000. She claims I "know" she never abused me and that she isn't mentally ill.

It has taken a long time for me to overcome the things she did to me. Even now, when I drive through the old neighborhoods where we lived -- a different one for every grade I went to school -- I break down in tears from the memories of her abuse.

Should I write my mother back or just let it go? -- ON AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER IN ILLINOIS

DEAR ON AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER: Let it go. Until your mother is well enough to admit what she did to you -- and she isn't -- do not expose your children to her. And as to the $6,000, if you can afford to spend that kind of money, spend it on therapy to overcome the sadness that still lingers from your abusive childhood. If you give it to your mother, she will only ask you for more and more.

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Diane," and her youngest sister, "Jenny," have grown closer in recent years. Jenny and her husband have been married as long as Diane and I have. Our children are close in age, and none of us is wealthy.

We live in different states. In her attempt to stay connected to Diane, Jenny sends gifts on every conceivable occasion and non-occasion. She sends boxes of cheap items she picks up at her local dollar store -- household knickknacks, toys, kitchen gadgets, plastic trinkets and costume jewelry. It's always things we neither need nor use, and the postage probably costs more than the items in those boxes.

Abby, I don't like it. Our home is already jammed with too much stuff. I have told my wife I want her sister to stop sending all that junk. Of course, she doesn't want to hurt her sister's feelings, so she says nothing. I have threatened to tell Jenny myself, but I know that would be a mistake. I don't interact with her and her husband anyway, and we don't communicate well. What can I do? -- STUFFED WITH STUFF IN OREGON

DEAR STUFFED: You can't "do" anything because this is something your wife is going to have to deal with. Diane should tell Jenny that the two of you have reached a point in life where you are no longer able to accept things because you have nowhere to put them, and are now in the process of clearing out items you no longer use. She should tell her sister that when she wants to reach out, please do so on the Internet or pick up the phone.

However, if Sissy refuses to take the hint, you and your wife should look for someplace to donate the unwanted items. A thrift shop, church sale, women's shelter or children's hospital would be ideal -- if Diane agrees, that is.