DEAR ABBY: What is considered good manners when you enter the home of a 20-something Northerner? I'm a graduate student who recently moved from the South to the East Coast. When I visit the homes of my Northern friends, I feel they are being rude for not inviting me to come in and sit down.

When visitors come to my place, I ask if I can take their coats, ask them to please sit and make themselves comfortable and offer something to drink. It feels strange to enter someone's living space and not hear these pleasantries. It also makes me feel as if I'm imposing.

If others arrive around the same time, I try to follow their cues, but I still find it uncomfortable to just plop down and make myself at home. Should I just get over it? -- FISH OUT OF WATER

DEAR FISH OUT OF WATER: If you have been invited to someone's home, then you are welcome. That your visit doesn't begin with the customary rituals you're used to does not mean that your host is rude. Yes, you should "get over it." Just go with the flow -- in time you will adjust.

DEAR ABBY: I don't have a car. I can't afford one at this time. For the last two years a friend has been doing me a favor by taking me grocery shopping every week. I can (and do) take the bus to the local grocery store, but it makes it easier to buy things in bulk with a car. We have dinner, go to an occasional movie and generally have a good time hanging out. I buy her dinner sometimes as a thank-you for her great help.

Recently, I got to meet a group of her friends. She introduced me to every single person by going over the whole history of my not having a car, and how she has taken me grocery shopping every week. All her friends began praising her for her kindness. I was upset and embarrassed that rather than introduce me as a friend she instead portrayed me as an object of her charity.

I always thought she enjoyed our get-togethers. She used to rebuff any attempts on my part to make our shopping trips less frequent. Do I suck it up for the sake of our friendship, or do I discontinue or curtail our meetings? -- EMBARRASSED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR EMBARRASSED: What your "benefactor" did was extremely insensitive. True acts of charity are done anonymously. For now, my advice is to suck it up not for the sake of the friendship, but to do so for the sake of the transportation unless you can find an alternative.

DEAR ABBY: When I was 15, my mother put away a large sum of money for me as a college fund. A few years later, she quit her job and began drinking and smoking heavily.

I have now graduated from high school and have discovered that when she quit her job she used my college fund to pay for her alcohol and cigarettes.

Yes, it was her money. But it was intended for my education. Am I wrong to be upset? -- DISAPPOINTED SON IN FORT GRATIOT, MICH.

DEAR DISAPPOINTED SON: Of course you're not wrong to be upset. You wouldn't be human if you weren't. However, now that you know the money you were promised won't be there, you need to start researching ways to finance completing your education. A place to begin would be your nearest library -- or online. Also, many schools allow students to work part-time on campus to help with the cost of classes, so look into that, too.

DEAR ABBY: My co-workers and I recently went out to eat and I was put in an awkward situation. One of them announced that I had left a big tip when I paid my bill. Abby, I always leave a generous tip. I was raised well below the poverty line, and my mother's tips literally determined how much we would be able to eat that day.

The co-worker who said it became upset with me and began lecturing me about how "rude" it is to leave a large tip, especially when you're with other people. She even said it "degrades" the server.

My mom may have raised me differently than most people, but I was taught that it's OK to leave a big tip as long as you don't announce it to everyone. Was what I did considered rude? -- GENEROUS IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR GENEROUS: No. The person who was rude was your co-worker, for making a spectacle. She probably did it because your tip made hers appear to be stingy. Diners leave tips based upon the quality of the service they receive. If you felt your server merited it, you were right to leave a large tip.

P.S. I have never heard of a server feeling "degraded" because of a large tip. Grateful, yes. Degraded, never!

DEAR ABBY: I am dating a man, "Cameron," I am crazy about. We plan to be married next year once I finish college. There is just one issue that's stressing me. Cam's apartment is gross and messy. There are dishes from various dinners scattered all over the place. I find it disgusting, and I'm worried he will be like this after we're married.

I have tried to talk to him about it, but he gets angry and says that it's his place. He says he'll be neater when we're married. I'm not sure I believe that.

This seems a silly thing to cause discord in a relationship, which is otherwise going well, but I am concerned. Is there anything I can do? -- GROSSED OUT IN BLOOMINGTON, IND.

DEAR GROSSED OUT: Yes, there is. You can face the fact that once you marry Cameron he is still going to be the same person he is now -- sloppy, messy and defensive when you point out something that needs improvement. People don't magically change after they say "I do." If you love him enough to accept him just the way he is, and be the primary housekeeper after you're married, you may have a happy union. If not, put your foot down now.

DEAR ABBY: Many years ago I shoplifted a $30 item from a department store. Now I'd like to clear my conscience and make amends, but how?

I want to remain anonymous, so I can't send a check. Sending cash by mail seems unwise, and even with Google I have been unable to find a corporate address for an appropriate division. Can you help? -- ANONYMOUS IN THE USA

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Because you have made an honest effort and haven't been able to come up with an address to send the money, try to find out if the department store sponsors an activity for charity and donate to that. Or, alternatively, give the money to a charity of your choice, which may salve your conscience and do a good deed at the same time.

DEAR ABBY: My sister has decided to let her 14-year-old son have a girlfriend. This is contrary to every value we grew up with as kids into adulthood.

She has met the girl's parents and says they "immediately clicked" and she knew right away that they share the same morals. The parents now set up situations where the two kids can get together. Not only have my nephew and the girl bonded, but the parents have become fast friends.

I see no problem with a little puppy love that happens in school, but is it asking for trouble when parents start to create dating situations when kids are so young? What happens if they are eventually allowed to be alone? Or one of them wants to break up but is afraid to hurt not only the other, but also the parents?

My sister says she's "guiding her son through his first romance." I say an eighth-grader is too young and she's inviting a myriad of problems. We have fought over this because she says I'm not being "flexible" and because this hasn't happened to my child yet. I offered my opinion only after I was asked what I thought of my nephew's girlfriend after she posted pictures on the Internet. Am I right to think this is crazy, Abby? -- SANE AUNT IN GEORGIA

DEAR SANE AUNT: Let's just say it is ill-advised rather than crazy. But I agree that your sister is headed for trouble because she isn't allowing her son's "first romance" to develop naturally.

First love often peaks and burns out quickly. When there are two sets of intermeshed parents involved, it can lead to lasting hurt feelings and sometimes enmity.

However, if you think your sister is going to listen to either of us, you're dreaming. So quit offering unsolicited advice and stay tuned for what's coming because there are lessons to be learned for everyone involved.

DEAR ABBY: I am getting married this year and I'd like to challenge the notion that it's rude to ask for gifts toward a honeymoon or other big-ticket items such as home improvements or a car. My fiance and I own our home and we don't need a lot of the traditional items couples receive at their wedding.

Our families have been very understanding, but I'm sick to death of hearing or reading that it's rude to ask for money. Shouldn't wedding guests be happy to celebrate the couple in a way that they need and not force them to register for a bunch of material things they won't use? -- ALREADY HAS A BLENDER

DEAR ALREADY HAS A ...: Your question is very common. I receive variations on this theme in every batch of mail that arrives.

It is considered rude to ask for money on a wedding invitation, just as it is considered rude for brides and grooms to raise the subject themselves. When a wedding invitation is accepted, the guests usually contact whoever issued the invitation to inquire where the couple is registered. Once asked, it is then appropriate to reply, "They're not registered for gifts because they already have everything they need, but monetary gifts would be appreciated."

Some couples set up financial registries for this purpose with their bank or other financial institution, and there are also honeymoon registries and charitable gift registries if guests would prefer to donate to a worthy cause chosen by the happy couple.