DEAR ABBY: My husband, who is 53, talks often about his college days when he smoked marijuana. I tried it once and didn't like it. Over the past several years he has started smoking it again.

I have told him I don't approve, but he says he does it only occasionally "to take the edge off." Many times he has smoked when we're out on bike rides, on road trips or a Sunday drive. It makes me feel like he needs to be high in order to have a good time with me.

I tried compromising by asking him not to do it when we are together. He agreed, but he doesn't keep his word. He does it thinking I don't know what he's up to.

I have noticed that he is becoming forgetful and is sometimes unable to understand information. Is this a midlife crisis he's going through? How do I get him to stop? -- MRS. POTHEAD IN WINONA, MINN.

DEAR MRS. POTHEAD: It's not a midlife crisis. I'm told that the grass that's available today is far stronger than when your hubby smoked it in college.

Your husband may be becoming forgetful and unable to process information because he's smoking pot a lot, or because of a neurological problem. Because marijuana slows reaction time, he should not be driving while under the influence, and you shouldn't be riding with him.

Since you can't convince him to stop, you could benefit from visiting a support group for families and friends of individuals who are addicted to drugs, because marijuana is one, and it appears your husband has become addicted.

P.S. Of course, marijuana is also illegal.

DEAR ABBY: "Jerry," my husband, has been sending pictures of himself to online dating sites, advertising for a personal relationship with the so-called "right woman."

I feel this is a betrayal of our marriage vows and that it's cheating. He claims he's "just looking" at what's out there.

My concern is, why is he looking in the first place? All I get from him is "I love you" and "I want to be with you." I have seen these dating sites, and I feel hurt and betrayed. Am I wrong to feel this way, or should I believe what he says about harmless fun? -- BROKEN-HEARTED LIBRA, LOUISVILLE, KY.

DEAR LIBRA: Your instincts are right on the money. You have every right to feel betrayed, hurt and cheated on because your husband's words don't match his actions. What he's doing is not "harmless fun"; it is a danger to your marriage. Do not tolerate it. Run, don't walk, to a marriage counselor. If your husband won't go with you, go alone because your marriage could depend upon it.

DEAR ABBY: I was divorced 20 years ago and have two children from my marriage. My ex-husband was black and I am Caucasian. Over the years, when I've discussed my children or showed photos of them, people have asked me if they are "mixed," if they have the same father and if I was married to their father. I presume that some folks assume interracial marriage indicates a lack of good judgment, giving rise to further inappropriate questions.

I would love a good, snappy comeback to those questions without stooping to their level of rudeness. I have tried, "Why would you ask me that?" and got even more questions. Any advice or help you could give would be great. -- TAKEN ABACK IN INDIANA

DEAR TAKEN ABACK: Rather than a snappy comeback, why not simply answer "yes" to all three of those questions and end the conversation?

DEAR ABBY: "Pennsville, N.J., Reader" (May 15) complained that her book club members don't always read their current book and want to socialize instead. I can add nothing to your thoughtful answer. Still, her letter troubles me.

As you know, literacy is under siege in America, and many people can't follow the directions on a box of cake mix. Years ago, I heard Margaret Mead speak. She warned us against turning into a "machine-worshipping society," and that is precisely what we have become. It's killing off a part of our brains. We are wired to electronic messaging most of the time, at our peril. Reading serious books helps to reclaim our brains.

Each member of my group has a voice in selecting the book. Most of us do read the monthly selection, and the moderator -- friendly but firm -- keeps us on track with our discussions. No one ventures too far afield, ever. If someone comes to the meeting and hasn't read the selection, she simply listens and takes notes while the others discuss the designated chapters.

I feel strongly that if anyone wants to socialize instead, he/she should arrange and host their own meetings at home and make it clear that the gathering is a social chat. -- BOOK CLUB MEMBER IN NEW YORK

DEAR BOOK CLUB MEMBER: Readers agree that the reading and socializing should be kept separate and were quick to offer solutions to the problem of mixing the two. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: For years, I have led three book groups in three different states. Our monthly meetings are two hours long; the discussions are 60 to 90 minutes. Socializing comes afterward. We choose books by ballot, voting from a list submitted by members. Each member leads discussions on a rotating basis of a book that particularly piques their interest.

If the non-readers of the group mentioned in the letter (who should not be attending a book group just to socialize) were discussion leaders, they would read the book. If they choose to attend without reading, they should remain quiet during the discussion and wait to socialize later. Give those lazy nonreaders a task! -- SERGEANT-AT-ARMS IN SOUTH DAKOTA

DEAR ABBY: I have discovered the joy of audio books. Most of them are classics long out of copyright, but classics are classics because they are good. My local library has a way to access current books by best-selling authors. I get all of these treasures on my cellphone and listen to them no matter where I am or what I'm doing.

Being "too busy" is no longer an excuse for not being well-read. I'll bet the women in that club would get with the program if they were introduced to audio books. -- WIRED BOOKWORM, STILLWATER, OKLA.

DEAR ABBY: Here's how our club handled the problem of members not reading the books: We started charging $5 for failure to do it. The money is held by our unofficial treasurer, and every summer it is used to pay for meals during our yearly summer outing. It's a simple system that has cut down on people not doing the assigned reading. --BOOK-CLUBBER, TOO

DEAR ABBY: Our group has every member take a turn to host for a month. The leader chooses the book we read and leads the discussion. Once this plan was adopted, several people dropped out. But we have now grown to 18 members and have a waiting list, so we must be doing something right. Sure, there will be books not everyone cares for, but variety is what a book group is all about.

Socializing is fun, but being a member of a book group is about reading. -- LYNN IN LILBURN, GA

DEAR ABBY: I just celebrated my 80th birthday at a party with 22 of my dearest friends. I also invited my daughter-in-law, "Sydney," and her mother.

The problem is, I didn't invite my 8-year-old granddaughter. I explained that I felt she wouldn't enjoy herself with all of us senior women. Sydney disagreed.

I then suggested perhaps it would be better if I had a dinner party for the entire family the following evening (on my actual birthday) at a fine dining restaurant. In retaliation for my not inviting my granddaughter, Sydney declined the dinner invitation, although all other family members attended. My "punishment" was not to receive a birthday present from her.

Was I wrong not to invite my granddaughter to a party with my 80-year-old friends? -- TRIED TO BE CONSIDERATE

DEAR TRIED: I don't think so. You were being considerate of your granddaughter's feelings. Had she attended, she would have been bored, and one of your guests or her mother and grandmother would have had to entertain her. Frankly, it would have been a distraction from the celebration. That your daughter-in-law would be so petulant as to "punish" you for making the intelligent choice you did indicates that she has some growing up to do. You owe no one any apologies; Sydney does.

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law, the only girl and the youngest of my husband's siblings, is being married soon. We couldn't be happier. The problem is my mother-in-law. Anytime the subject of the wedding comes up and I chime in, she says, "How would you know? You didn't have a wedding."

My husband and I eloped six years ago. Since then, the subject of weddings has been a problem between my mother-in-law and me. In my opinion, I did have a wedding. There was a beautiful location, an officiant, a dress, and a commitment made between my husband and me.

She continues to make it painfully obvious that she feels it wasn't a valid wedding because she wasn't there. Her comments, in front of my husband and children, are insulting and hurtful. Is there anything I could say to let her know we don't agree with her without rocking the boat too much before her daughter's wedding? -- AS MARRIED AS ANYONE

DEAR MARRIED AS ANYONE: No, but there is plenty you can say after it's over. At that time, you and your husband should talk to his mother together so she hears from both of you that her sniping is inappropriate.

DEAR ABBY: Would you please weigh in on whether you think wearing sunglasses indoors -- particularly in the evening -- is rude and not conducive to friendly communication with others? (This isn't a situation involving eye problems.) -- NOTHING TO HIDE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR NOTHING TO HIDE: It is said that the eyes are the windows of the soul. I agree that trying to converse with someone who is wearing sunglasses can be confusing, because it prevents you from picking up nonverbal cues you might otherwise be given.

The person you're writing about may be shy, paranoid or hiding the bleary remnants of a hangover. But unless you ask why he or she is hiding behind the sunglasses, you will never know if there's a valid reason for it.