DEAR ABBY: My fiancee, "Jenny," and I are being married next year. Jenny is a devout Catholic and is having a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that we're living together. We recently moved out of state as a result of job transfers and -- for purely economic reasons -- moved in together.

Now that we're about to be married, Jenny is beside herself with what to tell her new parish priest because she's afraid he will refuse to marry us if she reveals that we're living together.

Abby, I love Jenny very much, and I'm concerned that this is going to cause problems between us. She's considering not telling the priest that we live together because she feels he wouldn't understand. I'm inclined to agree. Before we moved, we were living separately.

Any advice would be helpful. -- LIVING IN SIN IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR LIVING IN SIN: I don't know what the policies are in St. Louis, but some dioceses will not marry couples who cohabitate unless they first separate.

You and your fiancee should go to the priest, explain the entire situation, including the economic reasons for your living together, and tell him you would like to be married. It may not be as bad as Jenny fears. The alternative, starting married life with a lie, is worse than separating temporarily.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of many years has asked me to promise him that I won't inform his family and adult children when he dies. He wants no funeral or obituary -- nothing to mark his passing. I am concerned because his health isn't good and I must decide soon if I can make that promise.

His adult children and their families rarely call, visit or write to him. They never send a greeting card for any occasion. The only time he hears from them is when they want something. He says that since they don't care about him while he's living, they won't care when he dies.

I feel torn about this. Only a few members of his family like me. I don't want to cause more hard feelings. Were my husband to die next week, I would be hard-pressed to obey his final wish. I would want to notify those few family members who would be hurt if I didn't.

Please print this. Perhaps his children will see it and change their ways. But please don't mention my name or town. -- BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE

DEAR BETWEEN: While I understand your husband's desire that his children, who show no concern for him, not be notified in the event of his death, I do not agree that they should not be told of their father's passing. People who feel the need to mourn should be allowed to work through their grief and achieve closure. Failure to notify them will only fuel the fire of resentment they already feel for you.

In spite of their inattentiveness, the children should be notified, whether there is to be a funeral or not. If you wish to have a memorial service of some kind to enable you and those you care about to grieve, you should be entitled to have a private one. His children can hold their own service if they need the closure.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "John," and I have been married 12 years. My stepdaughter, "Diana," who gave me a "My Second Mom" card on Mother's Day, is being married in September. Diana is very close to her mother, "Charlotte," who resents me.

Because John and I are paying for half the wedding, we requested that my parents and Diana's stepbrother and stepsister be invited. Our request was denied. John and Charlotte will be taking part in the ceremony together, which is fine with me. Diana asked me to play a small role in the ceremony, but Charlotte became very upset, so I was excluded. The engagement announcement also made no mention of me.

As things stand, I'm not sure where I will be seated, if I will be included in family photos, the reception line, first dance, grand march, etc. Out of deference to Charlotte, the wedding seems to have been planned as if I don't exist. How do other second wives in this situation make it through?

I have tried hard to be supportive, keep my mouth shut and remember that the birth parents take precedence, but being treated as if I don't exist is hard to swallow. The more I try to be understanding of Diana's position, the more I'm excluded and the more I feel our relationship is being compromised.

John and I discussed it and I suggested that maybe it would be best if I didn't attend the wedding. He became very sad and said he really wants me there. How can I support John and stop all this from damaging my relationship with Diana? Your thoughts, please. -- DISAPPEARING STEPMOTHER

DEAR STEPMOTHER: Although you and your husband are paying for half the wedding, it's clear that Charlotte is running the show. I don't blame you for feeling hurt; however, you will do more damage to your relationship with Diana if you do not attend. I think you should go -- first to help your stepdaughter celebrate this important day in her life, and second, to inject a much-needed dose of reality into this fantasy.

DEAR ABBY: I left my husband 2 1/2 years ago because he physically abused my son. I tried dating after that, and thought I had found a nice guy. Then I discovered that in spite of being on birth control, I was pregnant. He pulled the "it's not mine" routine, so I again became single -- this time with four children -- and remained that way for more than a year.

Five months ago I started seeing an amazing man. He loves my children and wants to marry me, but I find myself pulling away. Is it because I'm afraid that this man will become the Jekyll and Hyde type, too? -- GUN SHY IN CANADA

DEAR GUN SHY: Probably. Your fear is understandable, considering the luck you've had with the previous men in your life.

Before you distance yourself any further, consider asking a psychologist to help you come to grips with your fears. And while you're at it, couples counseling would also be helpful, so you can get to know this "amazing man" better before you make any more lifetime commitments. If he loves you as he claims to, he will cooperate. If he refuses -- keep looking.

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman who last year discovered I was gay. I was married with children. When I told my husband I was gay, he embraced and supported me with a great deal of love. We told our children in an open and honest way, and they, too, have supported me. I have also told a select group of friends whom I felt I could trust.

One of these friends is the mother of one of my son's classmates. Her daughter asked her mom why I was always with a woman and her response was, "It's her girlfriend." Her daughter asked more questions, so her mother told her I was gay -- outing me to her daughter and my son's classmates! I am beyond hurt, and I am considering dissolving my friendship with this person. I am unsure what I should say or do. Can you help? -- CONFUSED IN SEATTLE

DEAR CONFUSED: Once a "secret" is shared, there is no guarantee that it will remain a secret. When you began coming out to your friends, you revealed who you are. You can't be both in and out of the closet.

Please forgive your friend. Her daughter asked honest questions and was given honest answers. That is a good thing. There are worse things than being known as gay in Seattle -- such as being gay in a place that's less accepting. So start celebrating who you are and the rest will fall into place.