DEAR ABBY: My husband, "John," and I have been married 12 years. My stepdaughter, "Diana," who gave me a "My Second Mom" card on Mother's Day, is being married in September. Diana is very close to her mother, "Charlotte," who resents me.

Because John and I are paying for half the wedding, we requested that my parents and Diana's stepbrother and stepsister be invited. Our request was denied. John and Charlotte will be taking part in the ceremony together, which is fine with me. Diana asked me to play a small role in the ceremony, but Charlotte became very upset, so I was excluded. The engagement announcement also made no mention of me.

As things stand, I'm not sure where I will be seated, if I will be included in family photos, the reception line, first dance, grand march, etc. Out of deference to Charlotte, the wedding seems to have been planned as if I don't exist. How do other second wives in this situation make it through?

I have tried hard to be supportive, keep my mouth shut and remember that the birth parents take precedence, but being treated as if I don't exist is hard to swallow. The more I try to be understanding of Diana's position, the more I'm excluded and the more I feel our relationship is being compromised.

John and I discussed it and I suggested that maybe it would be best if I didn't attend the wedding. He became very sad and said he really wants me there. How can I support John and stop all this from damaging my relationship with Diana? Your thoughts, please. -- DISAPPEARING STEPMOTHER

DEAR STEPMOTHER: Although you and your husband are paying for half the wedding, it's clear that Charlotte is running the show. I don't blame you for feeling hurt; however, you will do more damage to your relationship with Diana if you do not attend. I think you should go -- first to help your stepdaughter celebrate this important day in her life, and second, to inject a much-needed dose of reality into this fantasy.

DEAR ABBY: I left my husband 2 1/2 years ago because he physically abused my son. I tried dating after that, and thought I had found a nice guy. Then I discovered that in spite of being on birth control, I was pregnant. He pulled the "it's not mine" routine, so I again became single -- this time with four children -- and remained that way for more than a year.

Five months ago I started seeing an amazing man. He loves my children and wants to marry me, but I find myself pulling away. Is it because I'm afraid that this man will become the Jekyll and Hyde type, too? -- GUN SHY IN CANADA

DEAR GUN SHY: Probably. Your fear is understandable, considering the luck you've had with the previous men in your life.

Before you distance yourself any further, consider asking a psychologist to help you come to grips with your fears. And while you're at it, couples counseling would also be helpful, so you can get to know this "amazing man" better before you make any more lifetime commitments. If he loves you as he claims to, he will cooperate. If he refuses -- keep looking.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Chris," wanted a motorcycle for seven years. Last year I finally gave in, with the stipulation that he take a safety course and buy a good helmet and riding gear.

Two months later, Chris was in a crash and suffered several broken bones and a concussion. The hospital bill was more than $60,000. His accident was a reality check for me. Ever since, I have been petrified of losing him. Every time Chris rides I worry, pray and often cry until he returns or calls to say he's OK.

I have begged him to get rid of the bike. The stress is taking a toll on me physically and emotionally and creating tension between us. I'm afraid it would be selfish to insist he get rid of something he loves; on the other hand, I feel Chris is selfish for not taking my feelings into consideration. I'm torn between wanting him safe and wanting him to be happy. What should I do? -- STRESSED OUT IN PHILLY

DEAR STRESSED OUT: If his close call wasn't enough to convince your husband to rethink his motorcycle riding, and your begging and obvious distress haven't dissuaded him, accept that short of hog-tying Chris, you can't stop him from riding.

You can, however, protect yourself from some of the fallout that might result from another accident. Tell Chris that if his heart is set on riding, you want him to buy a life insurance policy and sign an organ donor card, because healthy young men on motorcycles are the most desired organ donors -- a fact shared with me by a former executive director of an organ donation registry. That way you will be provided for in case of a tragedy -- and it will ensure that part of him lives on when he is removed from life support.

It's also important that you find ways to lessen your stress. So start making time for activities you can enjoy while you're on your own. It'll give you less time to worry and something else on which to concentrate.

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman who last year discovered I was gay. I was married with children. When I told my husband I was gay, he embraced and supported me with a great deal of love. We told our children in an open and honest way, and they, too, have supported me. I have also told a select group of friends whom I felt I could trust.

One of these friends is the mother of one of my son's classmates. Her daughter asked her mom why I was always with a woman and her response was, "It's her girlfriend." Her daughter asked more questions, so her mother told her I was gay -- outing me to her daughter and my son's classmates! I am beyond hurt, and I am considering dissolving my friendship with this person. I am unsure what I should say or do. Can you help? -- CONFUSED IN SEATTLE

DEAR CONFUSED: Once a "secret" is shared, there is no guarantee that it will remain a secret. When you began coming out to your friends, you revealed who you are. You can't be both in and out of the closet.

Please forgive your friend. Her daughter asked honest questions and was given honest answers. That is a good thing. There are worse things than being known as gay in Seattle -- such as being gay in a place that's less accepting. So start celebrating who you are and the rest will fall into place.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were invited to a dinner party at a couple's home. We accepted the invitation with pleasure, only to be told afterward that it was going to be a "potluck."

My husband and I were raised to never go to someone's home empty-handed, so we were happy to bring a dish to contribute to the meal. When I called the hostess to ask if we could bring dessert or perhaps an appetizer, she informed me that the menu had already been planned and we were assigned a side dish neither of us had ever heard of. Then she told me she would email me the recipe.

Abby, I was shocked and, frankly, offended. I would never tell a guest what to bring and what recipe to follow. When my husband told me he was willing to give the dish a try, I told him I would not attend a dinner party where I was commanded to bring a specific dish.

My husband stayed home with me that evening, but says he can't understand what the big deal was. Was I wrong to refuse to participate? Or should I have gone along with the program and kept my mouth shut? -- LOST MY APPETITE

DEAR LOST: Having accepted the invitation you should have gone to the dinner, taken the side dish and made the best of it. You may have missed out on a memorable and enjoyable evening.

DEAR ABBY: I was in a passionate relationship for three years with my first real boyfriend. We were very young and desperately in love. I adored him completely, without hesitation. Then we had some irreconcilable differences and parted.

I went though a period of self-reflection and didn't date again for almost four years. During that period, I thought and prayed. Then I met someone special, "Zack." We have been seeing each other for five years now, and our relationship is solid. It's wonderful in every aspect -- except that I am not in love with him.

We plan to be married in six months. I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do though. I have hesitated for years despite pressure from my family.

I enjoy spending time with Zack more than with anyone else. We understand each other and he knows me so well that it's uncanny. We're compatible with the same interests and similar beliefs.

Zack knows that I love him but am not "in love" with him, but he still wants to marry me. Is it wrong to marry your best friend? -- UNSURE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR UNSURE: No, it's not wrong to marry your best friend. But because you have reservations about marrying Zack, you should be honest and break the engagement. It will be less painful for both of you and far cheaper than divorce.

DEAR ABBY: The grandfather of a friend recently died. The sister of this friend and I had dated not long ago. I would like to send a condolence card to the family. Would it be proper to send one card addressed to "The Smiths" or should I send a card to the family and a separate one to "Lisa" (the woman I dated)? -- JAY

DEAR JAY: You are a thoughtful person. A letter or card of condolence should be sent to the family, and a separate condolence should be sent to Lisa.