DEAR ABBY: I agreed to be maid of honor at my best friend's wedding. I am now planning her bridal shower and just received the guest list from her mother and the groom's mother, "Alicia."

Alicia has given me the names of about 30 guests and says there are more people she wants to invite. Abby, the entire list will amount to nearly 70 guests!

I thought showers were supposed to be for close friends and family only. Would it be out of line to suggest to Alicia that if she wants to invite that many people, she should give a separate shower? -- OVERWHELMED IN NEW YORK

DEAR OVERWHELMED: You and the groom's mother are not on the same wavelength. She may be trying to repay social obligations, while you are simply trying to perform your attendant's duties.

Because Alicia is so insensitive, you must tell her firmly the maximum number of guests you can accommodate at the shower. It would not be out of line to suggest that she ask one of her friends to also host one. If she insists on inviting everybody to your shower, ask her to share the expenses with you. (Remember, bridal showers are usually hosted by attendants, friends or relatives of the bride, but not members of her or her fiance's immediate families.)

DEAR ABBY: Please pass along this suggestion to your readers: If you're separated or getting a divorce, use discretion if you're tempted to talk about it.

The more you bad-mouth the person you are divorcing, the more people will reject you. It may not seem fair, but it's true. People will "forget" that you never complained before and say, "I didn't know she was so vindictive. No wonder he left!"

You will do yourself additional damage by ranting to co-workers. You're paid to work, not talk. Your co-workers are paid to work, not listen.

Do not confide your problems to your customers. They will stop doing business with you because they're afraid of being trapped by your pain.

If you must vent your anger and disappointment, do it in a support group. The members will empathize; others haven't a clue and don't care. A support group also can give you practical advice about lawyers, finances and emotional help.

Your pain will linger for months, but the patience of your friends and co-workers will fade. My co-worker managed to bore all of us. She quit therapy to spend the money redecorating her home to "erase him from her life." Not only did she lose all sympathy in that shortsighted, shallow act, she also lost precious time she should have spent healing and becoming strong and independent.

It's strange, Abby. People facing death don't disrupt other people's lives the way those with broken vows do. --TIRED OF LISTENING IN MARYLAND

DEAR TIRED: You make a strong case for keeping separate one's personal and professional lives. Friends and co-workers are important to anyone experiencing the trauma of divorce, but I agree that an outside source -- such as a support group -- can provide practical, impartial advice because the members can empathize without becoming emotionally involved.

Those who act this way may be looking for a sympathetic ear, but they usually wind up with a cold shoulder.

DEAR ABBY: My father absolutely refuses to turn off the ignition when fueling his car, despite the warning signs at the pump. How can I convince him to stop endangering himself and my mother? -- WORRIED DOWN SOUTH

DEAR WORRIED: Motorists are instructed to "Stop Motor" while refueling for good reason. Gasoline is highly flammable. However, it is not actually the liquid that burns. Even at temperatures as low as 45 degrees, gasoline gives off vapor.

It is the vapors that ignite. Gasoline vapor is heavier than air, so when it ignites, it does so at ground level. All it takes to create a violent explosion is fuel vapors, enough oxygen and a source of ignition. A spark from a cigarette, a hot exhaust pipe, faulty wiring, static electricity or the vapor reaching an open flame -- all can cause gasoline vapors to explode.

Please show this item to your father. Perhaps it will convince him to be more safety conscious. If there is an attendant at the gas station your father frequents, frankly, I am shocked that the person hasn't insisted your father turn off the engine.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter recently became engaged to a wonderful young man. I have looked forward to planning her wedding for years. She always said she wanted to be married in our hometown, but now she says they want to get married near where he lives, which is four hours from where I live.

I feel she has been persuaded to do this. I'm paying for the wedding and work full-time, and I'm really stressing about planning the dream wedding she wants from far away. Weddings are usually in the bride's hometown for obvious reasons, but I'm concerned her mind was changed by his family for their convenience. What do I do? -- JUST THE BRIDE'S MOM

DEAR JUST: Have a frank talk with your daughter and ask why she changed her mind. Tell her that you have dreamed of planning her wedding for years, but the change of venue is causing stress for you.

Then ask if she would prefer you just give her a check for the amount you can afford, and whether it would be more practical for her to do the planning herself.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 19 and have a dear friend, "Emily," who is offended by cussing. She literally has never said a curse word in her life. When I'm around her I never use swear words because I respect her and her friendship.

My issue is that Emily gets very upset if people swear around her. There have been nights that she ended up in tears because someone used foul language. She also angrily confronts people on this issue.

I commend my friend on her decision not to curse, but I think it's unrealistic of her to expect everyone in the world to bend to her morals. I also think it's wrong for her to try to force them. Abby, what are your thoughts? -- CHALLENGED FRIEND IN LARAMIE, WYO.

DEAR CHALLENGED: If Emily prefers not to be in the company of people who use four-letter words, that's her privilege. And if she finds it offensive, she has a right to speak up and make it known. But to "wind up in tears" because someone used foul language -- as long as it wasn't directed toward her -- is overreacting. And for her to angrily confront someone about it would only invite more of the same. Emily will be much happier if she spends more time in the company of people who feel as she does.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Gina," is engaged but hasn't started making any plans yet. We have had some rough mother/daughter years but are now in a good place. When it's time, I would like my daughter to ask me to help her pick out her wedding gown. I have a strong hunch that Gina will ask a girlfriend instead. I also know that if I talk to her about my wishes, she'll say, "Sure" or ask me to join her friends. This may seem silly, but I want her to want just me to go. What do you think is the best way to handle this? -- MOTHER OF THE BRIDE

DEAR MOTHER: Your relationship with your daughter may be better now, but its pattern was established years ago. You appear to be extremely invested in an "ideal" of how her wedding will be. For your own sake, lower your expectations. You can't make somebody want something if it doesn't come naturally. Because Gina isn't a mind reader, speak up now for that exclusive mother/daughter shopping jaunt. If she likes your fashion sense, she may agree. However, it is not unusual for a bride to include not only her mother, but also her attendants and future mother-in-law when choosing her wedding dress.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend bought his house two years ago. We were fortunate to have found such a darling little place. It was owned by only one woman since it was built in the 1950s. She is now deceased, and we have no way of contacting anyone in her family.

For the last two years my boyfriend has received greeting cards from an old friend of the former owner. What should we do about the greeting cards? I feel terrible that he doesn't know the woman who lived here is no longer with us. -- STEPHANIE IN URBANA, ILL.

DEAR STEPHANIE: I know you and your boyfriend have the best of intentions, but according to the post office, whether there is a return address on the envelope or not, you should write "deceased" on the envelope and let the Postal Service handle the matter.