DEAR ABBY: I'm a 45-year-old married woman with four kids. I fell in love with a longtime friend, "Hugh," two years ago. He's single and has never been married.

I told him I want a relationship, but he says that since I'm married we can't have one. I told him I love him, but he's not sure he feels as strong about it as I do. We have been spending a lot of time together and have started to get intimate.

I told Hugh I don't want to just fool around -- I want a commitment. He worries about my kids, and that if I leave their father they won't understand.

My husband is very cold and distant. We don't say much to each other anymore; we're just two adults living in the same house raising our kids. We have gone to counseling, but it didn't help. My husband says things are fine -- but they're not.

I'm angry because Hugh is willing to fool around but not commit. He says this shouldn't go on anymore and his heart isn't in it. The fact that I'm married bothers him. I told him to wait and eventually my husband and I will divorce. I'm hurt by his decision to back out. I feel he wanted the intimacy but doesn't want me, and I feel used. How do I sort this out? -- USED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR "USED": You weren't used -- you threw yourself at Hugh, and what has happened was by mutual consent. Why would you expect a commitment from him when you haven't shown yourself capable of sticking with one? I credit Hugh for his honesty -- he hasn't led you on. That you're married should bother him.

When a man tells you his "heart" isn't in it, trust me, the rest of him isn't far behind. Don't waste your time being hurt. Learn from this. You have unfinished business to attend to. Your marriage is a mess. If it doesn't survive, you owe it to the next man in your life to be available before you start prospecting. If you're not, this will happen to you again and again.

DEAR ABBY: A few days ago, my significant other, his 18-year-old daughter, "Maria," and I were in our living room discussing "Jonah," a slightly older guy she has been dating and who spends a lot of time here. I told her I have high expectations for her and think she can do a lot better than him.

I didn't realize that Jonah was in the next room when I spoke my mind or that he had heard me. My boyfriend told me later that Jonah said, "Now I know how she really feels about me!"

Abby, he's a nice kid, and he's always welcome here. I feel terrible about hurting his feelings, even though my opinion about him not being good enough for Maria hasn't changed. Still, I know the effect crass words can have on a young person, and I should have thought twice before opening my mouth.

Should I apologize to him for what I said? If so, what should I say? -- HOOF IN MOUTH IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR HOOF IN MOUTH: What happened was regrettable. By all means apologize to Maria's boyfriend for hurting his feelings. Tell him that you didn't mean to be cruel, but that you would feel better about the relationship if he had higher goals. It might be the push he needs to raise his ambitions and become more successful in life when he's older.

DEAR ABBY: "Fed-Up Father in Minnesota" (Jan. 20) caught his difficult 16-year-old daughter smoking pot and is considering sending her to a place for "troubled teens." We sent our son to such a program on the advice of an education consultant, and he almost didn't make it back alive. An untreated mental illness had been misdiagnosed as a behavioral problem, and his illness went from bad to worse.

You gave the right advice. Get an evaluation from a reputable clinic or mental health professional, then look for options as close to home as possible. Adolescence is not forever. Parents need to hang on and not be lured into thinking there's a magical solution. -- ANN IN CHAPEL HILL, N.C.

DEAR ANN: I advised "Fed-Up" to have a psychologist identify what's troubling his daughter, and that sending her away should be only a last resort. Readers were eager to comment:

DEAR ABBY: "Fed-Up" should consider an intervention like the Scared Straight program. Teens are shown where their bad behavior leads, tour a prison and see inmates serving time for similar conduct. The inmates also share their stories in an effort to turn the teens' lives around. Sometimes a rude awakening is the answer for a young person traveling down the wrong path. -- BRITTANY IN THE SOUTH

DEAR ABBY: I was sent to boarding school because I was acting out and probably on my way to bigger troubles. While there, I was exposed to more than I'd ever been at home. There were poorly supervised kids engaged in sexual activity, every recreational drug imaginable and free-flowing alcohol. I survived, but had the good sense to tell my parents and didn't return for a second year. What worked for me was attentive parents and a good therapist who provided me a safe, constructive way to sort out my issues. -- BOARDING SCHOOL SURVIVOR

DEAR ABBY: "Fed-Up" said the problem with his daughter started when he married his second wife. There are obviously issues between his wife and daughter that need resolving. Shipping the girl off won't fix them.

My stepfather was abusive to me and my brother, but our busy working mom didn't believe us. My brother began having behavioral problems at school and at home, so Mom gave in to our stepfather's suggestion to send him to military school in another state.

My brother never forgave Mom for it. He left home at 17, and they have been estranged for 33 years. It is my mother's biggest single regret. -- MARY KATE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR ABBY: I work for a non-profit child-care organization that provides community-based services to families struggling with this situation. We tailor services to meet the specific needs of a family in their home environment, providing interventions without the disruption of out-of-home placement.

Professional staff assess the case and develop a plan to resolve the issues, taking into account the family dynamic and home/school environment. This kind of family mentorship is a step in the right direction to restore relationships. -- BELINDA P., AMARILLO, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: On the advice of a therapist, we enlisted the help of an education consultant and sent our 15-year-old son away for 21 months of psychological treatment for troubled teens. It saved his life and made us a family again. The consultant can steer the family to a reputable program that "fits." It can be an overwhelming decision, but the consultant's help was invaluable.

Don't wait too long, "Fed-Up" -- once your daughter is 18, many of the options disappear. The process isn't cheap, but what's the cost of a life? Our son is 17 now, sober, respectful and looking forward to his future. -- GLAD WE DID IT IN CALIFORNIA