DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Sam," and I have been married for 32 years, and all these years he has lied continually. It has gotten so bad that I cringe every time we're invited to family functions or get-togethers with friends. Sam uses these gatherings to be the star of the show, spilling out the most outrageous whoppers you can imagine.

My family knows when he's lying or exaggerating about something. They roll their eyes and nudge me to let me know they know. Sam fabricates the most outlandish stories and never owns up to anything he has done wrong. Instead he blames me or others for his actions. If I confront or challenge him, he gets defensive and says I'm "always" belittling or challenging him in front of others.

Abby, even though I still care for this man, I don't have the respect I wish I had for him. What can I do? -- DISENCHANTED IN THE LAND OF ENCHANTMENT

DEAR DISENCHANTED: After 32 years, there is nothing you can do about it. Your husband has a personality problem -- probably related to insecurity -- that causes him to lie to get attention. It's pathetic, really. However, to embarrass him by pointing it out in front of others is cruel and unproductive. Until he's ready to admit to himself that he has damaged his credibility so badly that no one believes a word he says, nothing will change.

DEAR ABBY: My close friend "Kate" has just told me she's getting a divorce. She confided that she cheated on her husband, "Phil," and says she doesn't want to try to work on her marriage, even though they have a baby together. Kate says that Phil is a great father and he's not abusive -- she just doesn't love him anymore.

This came as a shock to me, and I'm not sure how to be supportive. When I divorced, my husband was the one who cheated and left me, so I know how Kate's husband feels. I know I should be sympathetic to her, but I don't know what to say. Can you help? -- TRYING NOT TO JUDGE

DEAR TRYING: Continue trying not to judge. It is understandable that you'd identify with Kate's husband since his position is so similar to what you experienced. If you know and like him, befriend him. I'm sure he could use a friend right now. However, before you do, ask Kate if she would mind.

As to your question about what to say to her, all you really need to do is acknowledge her announcement by saying, "I'm sorry to hear it. I hope you have given it careful consideration." Period.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 15. My father just started paying child support three years ago for my twin sister and me. He only pays a small amount each month, and he has never paid any medical or health bills for either of us in our lives.

Recently we found out he lied about his monthly salary so he wouldn't have to pay for us. I'm really hurt because I feel like he doesn't care about us. How do I cope? Help! -- INCREDIBLY HURT IN THE SOUTH

DEAR INCREDIBLY HURT: While I can understand your disappointment in your father's lack of character, please do not allow his failures to make you think less of yourself. His behavior shows that he doesn't care about anyone but himself. Now that you and your mother know he lied about his income, it's possible the child support he didn't pay can be collected retroactively. If your mother hasn't discussed this with an attorney, she should do it now.

DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and having an affair with a married man twice my age, but I am an unwilling participant. You see, I grew up with "Jasmine," and over the years her family has become mine. I was going through a rough time, and when her family offered me a place to stay, I accepted.

They treat me like one of their own, buy me presents -- even introduce me as a daughter. However, after my birthday party, Jasmine's father came into my bedroom and took advantage of me. I was scared and didn't say anything. Over the past few months, he has sneaked into my room several times to "talk" or rub my back. He always crosses the line, and I'm too afraid to tell him to stop.

I feel sick and guilty when I see Jasmine or her mother, and I'm hurt and ashamed when I see him. I feel betrayed and confused. I tell myself I do it "for a place to stay." Is there forgiveness for me? Please help. -- DISTRAUGHT IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR DISTRAUGHT: It appears you ARE "doing it for a place to stay," and for your own well-being you need to make other living arrangements and get out of there. You have been betrayed, and your feelings are valid. You are not being treated like a daughter; you are being coerced by a man with no conscience or compassion. Of course there is forgiveness for you -- but first you have to forgive yourself. Leaving is the first step.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Ross," and I have been together for five years and have a 2-year-old child. We talk a lot about marriage and we're engaged -- kind of. Ross asked me and I said yes four years ago, but no one knows we're engaged. He bought me a ring and I have been wearing it. Nobody has questioned it.

I want to say something about our plans, but Ross says he's too nervous and is afraid my parents will be angry. I am 23 and unemployed. Ross is 24 and has had bad luck with a bunch of jobs. Our 2-year-old and I live with my parents. Ross is currently staying with his grandparents.

I don't want a big wedding and I'm afraid my parents will be mad if Ross and I start planning ours. How can we break the news to them? -- TIMID IN STOCKTON, CALIF.

DEAR TIMID: If your boyfriend is too nervous to tell anyone about the engagement, face it -- you're kind of NOT engaged. If I were you, I'd hold off making any announcements to your folks until you have the answers ready to some questions first, like where you and Ross plan to live after the wedding. With your parents? His grandparents? Who do you expect will be paying for the wedding you're planning?

"Everyone" may have ignored the significance of the ring you're wearing because neither of you is ready for marriage.

DEAR ABBY: When buying a gift for someone and it arrives with a mail-in rebate, what do you do? If you give the person the rebate, he or she will know how much you paid for the gift. If you remove the UPC code, it looks like you regifted. How should this be handled? -- HAVEN'T A CLUE IN EAST HARTFORD, CONN.

DEAR HAVEN'T A CLUE: Many people regift, and as long as the item is well-chosen for the recipient and is in mint condition, there's nothing wrong with the practice. How much was paid for the item is beside the point. When a gift is given, the price tag is removed. Because the mail-in rebate would be a tip-off, it should be removed, too.

DEAR ABBY: Like "Standing My Ground in New Jersey" (Jan. 9), I had decided at a young age I had no interest in changing my last name if I were ever to be married. For me, the decision had nothing to do with an established career or a fear of losing myself. I simply never saw the point.

Would you believe that I fell in love with and married a man who asked me how I felt about him taking my last name? When he first mentioned the idea, I told him that he should think it through because a name change shouldn't be taken lightly. Like "Standing," my husband also had no father figure. He's happy to now have a last name that finally "means something" to him. -- ERIN IN EL CAJON, CALIF.

DEAR ERIN: That column produced a wide variety of responses from both men and women. However, most of my readers agree that "Standing" and her fiance have an important decision to make, and they should both step back and examine the options together. Their comments:

DEAR ABBY: Most women around the world retain their names after marriage, and children take their mother's name as their middle name and their father's name as their last. It's only in English-speaking countries that the tradition exists for women to take their husband's last name. It originated from the time when wives were considered property. -- JANE IN FRANKLIN, TENN.

DEAR ABBY: The decision to keep or change one's name is a personal one. In my experience as a judge, I often see women ask for their maiden name to be restored to them upon a divorce. I also saw one case in which the husband in the divorce requested that his former name be restored to him. That couple had used the wife's name as their family name when they married.

I agree with your response to postpone the decision until both of them have discussed the issue more fully. How they handle this decision will foretell how they will handle other decisions in the future. -- JUDGE TONYA IN FLORIDA

DEAR ABBY: By "Standing" not changing her name, which is the cultural norm in this country, she will create years of confusion, hassle, constant explanations and identity issues for her, her husband and her future children. Her husband will also feel a sense of disconnect that is hard for her to understand. -- PATRICIA IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR ABBY: "Standing" seems to miss the primary point about entering into a marriage. It's not about standing your ground; it's about meeting in the middle ground. Not once in her letter did she make a reference to the fact that what she and her fiance are doing is forming a new family of their own. I kept my maiden name and hyphenated it, but was proud that my husband, children and I all created the "Smith" family. -- SUSAN IN PORTLAND, MAINE

DEAR ABBY: I was happy to change my name when I married the first time because I had little connection to my father's family. As the marriage progressed, I felt a loss of personal identity. After the divorce, I adopted my grandfather's name. Abby, the name change was also life-changing. I gained an identity and a legacy to continue. I think the name issue is as much about the insecurity of the man as the independence of the woman. -- DR. BETH IN GRANBURY, TEXAS