DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and having an affair with a married man twice my age, but I am an unwilling participant. You see, I grew up with "Jasmine," and over the years her family has become mine. I was going through a rough time, and when her family offered me a place to stay, I accepted.

They treat me like one of their own, buy me presents -- even introduce me as a daughter. However, after my birthday party, Jasmine's father came into my bedroom and took advantage of me. I was scared and didn't say anything. Over the past few months, he has sneaked into my room several times to "talk" or rub my back. He always crosses the line, and I'm too afraid to tell him to stop.

I feel sick and guilty when I see Jasmine or her mother, and I'm hurt and ashamed when I see him. I feel betrayed and confused. I tell myself I do it "for a place to stay." Is there forgiveness for me? Please help. -- DISTRAUGHT IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR DISTRAUGHT: It appears you ARE "doing it for a place to stay," and for your own well-being you need to make other living arrangements and get out of there. You have been betrayed, and your feelings are valid. You are not being treated like a daughter; you are being coerced by a man with no conscience or compassion. Of course there is forgiveness for you -- but first you have to forgive yourself. Leaving is the first step.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Ross," and I have been together for five years and have a 2-year-old child. We talk a lot about marriage and we're engaged -- kind of. Ross asked me and I said yes four years ago, but no one knows we're engaged. He bought me a ring and I have been wearing it. Nobody has questioned it.

I want to say something about our plans, but Ross says he's too nervous and is afraid my parents will be angry. I am 23 and unemployed. Ross is 24 and has had bad luck with a bunch of jobs. Our 2-year-old and I live with my parents. Ross is currently staying with his grandparents.

I don't want a big wedding and I'm afraid my parents will be mad if Ross and I start planning ours. How can we break the news to them? -- TIMID IN STOCKTON, CALIF.

DEAR TIMID: If your boyfriend is too nervous to tell anyone about the engagement, face it -- you're kind of NOT engaged. If I were you, I'd hold off making any announcements to your folks until you have the answers ready to some questions first, like where you and Ross plan to live after the wedding. With your parents? His grandparents? Who do you expect will be paying for the wedding you're planning?

"Everyone" may have ignored the significance of the ring you're wearing because neither of you is ready for marriage.

DEAR ABBY: When buying a gift for someone and it arrives with a mail-in rebate, what do you do? If you give the person the rebate, he or she will know how much you paid for the gift. If you remove the UPC code, it looks like you regifted. How should this be handled? -- HAVEN'T A CLUE IN EAST HARTFORD, CONN.

DEAR HAVEN'T A CLUE: Many people regift, and as long as the item is well-chosen for the recipient and is in mint condition, there's nothing wrong with the practice. How much was paid for the item is beside the point. When a gift is given, the price tag is removed. Because the mail-in rebate would be a tip-off, it should be removed, too.

DEAR ABBY: Like "Standing My Ground in New Jersey" (Jan. 9), I had decided at a young age I had no interest in changing my last name if I were ever to be married. For me, the decision had nothing to do with an established career or a fear of losing myself. I simply never saw the point.

Would you believe that I fell in love with and married a man who asked me how I felt about him taking my last name? When he first mentioned the idea, I told him that he should think it through because a name change shouldn't be taken lightly. Like "Standing," my husband also had no father figure. He's happy to now have a last name that finally "means something" to him. -- ERIN IN EL CAJON, CALIF.

DEAR ERIN: That column produced a wide variety of responses from both men and women. However, most of my readers agree that "Standing" and her fiance have an important decision to make, and they should both step back and examine the options together. Their comments:

DEAR ABBY: Most women around the world retain their names after marriage, and children take their mother's name as their middle name and their father's name as their last. It's only in English-speaking countries that the tradition exists for women to take their husband's last name. It originated from the time when wives were considered property. -- JANE IN FRANKLIN, TENN.

DEAR ABBY: The decision to keep or change one's name is a personal one. In my experience as a judge, I often see women ask for their maiden name to be restored to them upon a divorce. I also saw one case in which the husband in the divorce requested that his former name be restored to him. That couple had used the wife's name as their family name when they married.

I agree with your response to postpone the decision until both of them have discussed the issue more fully. How they handle this decision will foretell how they will handle other decisions in the future. -- JUDGE TONYA IN FLORIDA

DEAR ABBY: By "Standing" not changing her name, which is the cultural norm in this country, she will create years of confusion, hassle, constant explanations and identity issues for her, her husband and her future children. Her husband will also feel a sense of disconnect that is hard for her to understand. -- PATRICIA IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR ABBY: "Standing" seems to miss the primary point about entering into a marriage. It's not about standing your ground; it's about meeting in the middle ground. Not once in her letter did she make a reference to the fact that what she and her fiance are doing is forming a new family of their own. I kept my maiden name and hyphenated it, but was proud that my husband, children and I all created the "Smith" family. -- SUSAN IN PORTLAND, MAINE

DEAR ABBY: I was happy to change my name when I married the first time because I had little connection to my father's family. As the marriage progressed, I felt a loss of personal identity. After the divorce, I adopted my grandfather's name. Abby, the name change was also life-changing. I gained an identity and a legacy to continue. I think the name issue is as much about the insecurity of the man as the independence of the woman. -- DR. BETH IN GRANBURY, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: I frequently talk on my cellphone in public, and I'm often irked by the comments I get from people to put my phone away. Personally, I don't see a difference between a cellphone conversation and an in-person conversation, provided I keep the noise level down. It's not like I'm talking about excessively personal subjects or anything.

I spend an hour on the train going to and coming from work, and I like to use that time to catch up with my friends. Am I wrong for constantly talking on my cellphone in public, or do people just need to get used to the era of mobile phones? -- ON THE LINE IN PALO ALTO, CALIF.

DEAR ON THE LINE: It may not be what you're doing, but rather how you're doing it. If people "often" tell you to put away your cellphone during your commute, then I have news for you: You're talking too loudly. Also, those seated around you may not want to overhear the details of your social life. A root canal can be more pleasant than hearing someone drone on for 30, 45, 60 minutes straight. So be mindful of your surroundings and considerate of others. Whether you're having an in-person conversation or talking on a cellphone, the rules should be the same.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, "Dara," who is a single mom. From time to time she has watched my kids while my husband and I have traveled on business. For this reason I have given her our garage door combination. Now, every time she visits, she uses our garage code and walks in through our back door. She drops off items for us and lets herself in when we're not home, then texts me afterward about "how happy the dog was" to see her or tell me to look for something she dropped off.

I have told Dara she scares me and my kids when she comes in unexpectedly. We expect her to ring the doorbell like a normal guest. I have made light jokes, but she hasn't picked up on them. What she's doing is rude, and I don't understand how she can be so comfortable doing it. Do you have any advice for me? -- INTRUDED UPON IN WISCONSIN

DEAR INTRUDED UPON: Obviously, making "light jokes" about Dara's intrusive behavior hasn't been enough to get your message across. That's why the next time she walks in on you, you should tell her plainly, directly and in all seriousness that you expect her to ring the doorbell when she visits, and to refrain from coming into your home in your absence unless she has been specifically requested to do so. And if it happens again, change the code on your garage door.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I live in a small town, so we invariably run into someone we know when we're eating out at a restaurant. If we run into people we know who have already been served a portion of their meal (an appetizer, salad or main course), we briefly say hello and then "... we won't interrupt your dinner."

What do we say when we're trying to eat and friends continue to come to talk to us throughout our meal? -- PREFERS TO EAT IN PEACE

DEAR PREFERS TO EAT IN PEACE: Smile warmly and say, "We're going to keep eating because we like our food hot. We hope you don't mind."