DEAR ABBY: I'm 30 years old and have a close relationship with my mother, but something is bothering me. When I was a little girl, my grandmother gave me a U.S. savings bond for my birthday. It has matured to its full value. My mother refuses to give it to me. She said that my grandmother intended it as a wedding gift.

The last time I brought it up, she got teary and emotional. When my grandmother died 18 years ago, it was tremendously painful for my mother. I think the reason Mom won't give me the money is it makes her feel like her mom is still around. By letting go of the bond, she would be letting go of one more piece of my grandmother.

I also think it makes her sad to picture her mom not being there at my wedding. Despite all this, I can't help but feel she's using this to have some control over me.

I'm studying for my master's degree in special education, and some extra money would be helpful at the moment. I don't plan on marrying anyone anytime soon. I feel sad and angry. Does my mother have the right to withhold the bond and decide how and when I can use the money? Should I drop the issue and let her choose when to give it to me? Please help, I need your advice. -- 30-YEAR-OLD CHILD

DEAR "CHILD": Your grandmother gave you the savings bond as a birthday gift. When you became an adult, it should have been given to you then. You're a big girl now, and whether you decide to marry or not it should be yours to do with as you wish.

It's time to hand your mother a large box of tissues and have a heart-to-heart talk with her about that savings bond. Don't let her off the hook, and don't be surprised if she finally admits she spent the money.

DEAR ABBY: How does one let a gum chewer know, tactfully, that the smell is revolting? Besides the irritation and rudeness of chewing/popping with one's mouth open, certain smells often affect me physically.

From a young age, I have suffered from migraine headaches, which can bring on temporary loss of vision and vomiting. The scent of certain mints -- like spearmint -- triggers migraines. My doctor has warned me to avoid these triggers. However, in a confined area like an airplane, or sandwiched between two chewers at a concert, it's impossible. I become violently ill from the smell. I have tried politely explaining my situation, but the chewer is often indifferent, indignant or unsympathetic.

Abby, I'm at a loss. My husband and I often leave concerts we were looking forward to because of this problem. What can one do or say in a situation when sitting for hours in an assigned seat next to a gum chewer? -- HURTING IN VIRGINIA BEACH, VA.

DEAR HURTING: In a theater, the first thing you should do is explain the problem to the gum chewer just as you did to me. Say that the smell of certain mints triggers migraines that sometimes result in spontaneous vomiting, and ask if the person can dispose of the gum before you become ill. If the person refuses, ask an usher to seat you elsewhere.

When you're on an airplane and trapped in similar circumstances, get up and ask a flight attendant to locate a seat for you that's far enough away so you won't be affected. In most instances, you will be accommodated.

Your problem is not trivial. Sensitivity to certain scents can trigger serious physical reactions, including closure of a person's air passages.

DEAR ABBY: My live-in boyfriend is a total ditz when it comes to challenges. He claims it's because he's a city boy, but I think it's just plain laziness. When something needs to be repaired, he looks the other way and expects me to be "Miss Fix-It." It doesn't matter what's wrong -- the car, the washer, plumbing, even issues with bills. It becomes my job.

I want him to challenge himself sometimes. I've never known a man who won't venture into something that's not familiar. Is there anything I can say or do to let him know I want him to help, or am I stuck with a male damsel in distress? -- ROLE-REVERSAL IN BRIDGEPORT, CONN.

DEAR ROLE-REVERSAL: I'm sure you have told your boyfriend more than once that you want him to help. If he is as lacking in mechanical and organizational ability as you have implied, perhaps it's better that you be the fixer than have him destroy whatever needs to be repaired.

Because you feel you're being taken advantage of, have him call a repairman and pay for the service calls. And while you're at it, start a list of the positive things he adds to your relationship. If you come up with a minus instead of a plus, perhaps you should throw him back and keep fishing.

DEAR ABBY: My niece, "Sara," is considerably overweight at the age of 9. I'm becoming very concerned that she'll become diabetic by the time she's in her teens. She has a horrible habit of literally shoveling food into her mouth as fast as she can, sometimes with both hands. She's obviously eating too quickly to stop when she's full. Now that she's no longer a little girl, what was a bad habit has turned into disgusting table manners.

I live far away, so I have few opportunities to suggest that she slow down or "take princess bites." Her mother is very resentful of criticism, and she's allowing Sara her bad habit. I'm worried not only about my niece's poor table manners, but also her health. Any suggestions? -- WORRIED AUNT, TUPELO, MISS.

DEAR WORRIED AUNT: Is Sara's mother obese? If so, the problem may be not only the speed with which your niece is eating but also what kinds of foods she's being served at home.

Be smart and don't make this about disgusting table manners. Because you're concerned about your niece's health, talk to both parents and ask what Sara's pediatrician says about her weight and what possible solutions have been suggested. But do not make it appear that you're criticizing their parenting or they'll shut you out.

DEAR ABBY: People occasionally tell me I look like a famous person. They can be mere acquaintances, people I don't know or people I don't want to know. I've never seen the resemblance, and since this famous person is known for poor judgment and bad behavior I regard it as an insult.

People seem shocked when I respond with an insult. How do they expect me to respond? I can't imagine walking up to someone and saying, "You look like ..." even if it were true. This is finally starting to bother me. How should I respond? -- NOT VILLAINOUS -- YET

DEAR NOT VILLAINOUS (YET): People may be shocked when you answer them with an insult because they were not trying to be insulting. Rather than become defensive, try this: Smile and say, "You know, I hear that all the time. But I assure you we are not related -- and I don't act like ____ either. "

DEAR ABBY: I'm 18 and my boyfriend, "Jordan," is 17. We have been together a year and a half and rarely fight. There is only one problem in our relationship -- his mother.

"Martha" has lupus and uses it to manipulate Jordan. When we plan dates, she'll tell him she feels sick and make him stay home to take care of her. As soon as the date is canceled, she's miraculously better. She complains that he doesn't spend enough time with her and lays guilt on him because she "could die any day," but says these things only when I'm around.

I don't believe that at 17 my boyfriend deserves the stress she puts on us, but I'm not sure what to do about it. Can you help me? -- STRESSED TEENS IN THE SOUTH

DEAR STRESSED TEENS: There is nothing you can do about it, so accept that as long as you're involved with Jordan, his mother is part of the package deal.

In another year your boyfriend will be legally an adult and able to decide if he wants to stay at home taking care of his mother, or leave to pursue his education or go to work. From your description, the family dynamics do not appear to be healthy. But if you're smart, you will not involve yourself in them. A girl who competes with her boyfriend's mother rarely wins that battle, so remember that.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 14 and a ballet dancer, although I just started dancing seriously at 12. I have been in some shows and my teacher has started me on pointe work. It has become my dream to dance professionally.

When I confided it to my mother, she told me it would be impossible. I take two classes a week, but I will be taking more -- possibly five -- this year. Should I continue with my dream or pursue something else? I know it's a tough profession to work in, but it is what I love. -- DANCING FOR JOY IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR DANCING FOR JOY: A career in dance requires strength, determination, discipline and sacrifice. These are all traits that will serve you well regardless of what profession you decide to pursue when you're older. The person you should ask this question of is your ballet teacher, who is better able to evaluate your talent than I can at a distance.

But I urge you to stick with dance as long as it interests you. Even if you don't eventually become a performer, you could become a choreographer, a teacher or find a rewarding career in some other capacity with a dance company.

Now is not the time to give up on this dream.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance is an amazing man and I'm lucky to have him, but because he's in the military I don't see him very often. I recently met a guy in one of my college classes who has made it clear that he's attracted to me. I can't help but feel the same about him.

He often asks me to study and hang out with him. Am I being disloyal if I innocently study or hang out with this guy without telling my fiance? -- FRIENDLY FIANCEE IN COLORADO

DEAR FIANCEE: You say the attraction between you and your classmate is mutual. If you start hanging out with him without telling your fiance, then the relationship isn't innocent. If you can't handle the separations, then you don't have what it takes to be a military wife. So do both of you a favor and end the engagement.