DEAR ABBY: Over the years I've stayed in touch with my childhood best friend, "Claire." We talk a few times a year and I attended her wedding 10 years ago.

In the intervening years, her husband, "Kirk," has cheated on her multiple times and was once arrested by an undercover cop when he tried to meet a 14-year-old for a sexual liaison. Despite it all, Claire has chosen to stay with him. I have made peace with the fact that it is her decision and, because she lives in another state, it hasn't affected my life in any practical way -- until now.

I am being married next year, and Claire has expressed excitement at attending my wedding. I'd like to invite her, but not Kirk. I think he would be too much of a distraction for me. There will be enough people keeping an eye on the kids, but I know if I see him talking to my niece or nephew, it will make me extremely uncomfortable. God forbid, if he did something inappropriate, it would end my friendship with Claire.

Am I worrying too much? I don't want to hurt my friend, but I also don't want to put any child in harm's way or have my memory of the day marred with scanning the crowd to make sure Kirk isn't doing anything suspect. Your opinion would be helpful. -- APPREHENSIVE BRIDE-TO-BE

DEAR APPREHENSIVE: You need to be up front and sort this out with Claire before issuing an invitation. It is possible that her husband is legally enjoined from having contact with minors and could not attend your wedding even if invited. If you prefer that he not attend, you need to have the courage to say so. It probably won't be the first time she has heard it. But safety of the young people, not to mention your peace of mind, must come first.

DEAR ABBY: A few months ago I joined a small church. It had a sign-up sheet for people to bring food to an event. The information requested included my name and email address. The person in charge of the church email added me to the announcements list, and sent every email as a cc instead of a blind copy. Now people I never gave my email address to (and would not have given it to) are replying "all," sending messages to everyone and emailing me directly. It bothers me that they do this. I'm not sure how to approach them about this problem. I guess the rest don't have issues with it, but I do. -- E-PEEVED IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR E-PEEVED: You have two choices: Go through the hassle of changing your email address and notifying your friends and family -- or simply hit "delete" when one of those emails pops up. I vote for the latter. As you stated, it's a small church.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with "Danny" for two years. He's smart, charming and funny. However, after we argue I'm always the one to start talking to try to come to a solution or a compromise. Danny never takes the initiative. I think he has a problem communicating with me about his feelings. What should I do? -- TALKER IN PORTLAND, MAINE

DEAR TALKER: If after two years your boyfriend is unwilling or unable to resolve disagreements in an adult fashion, you should suggest couples counseling. It could avert serious problems in the future if you decide to invest more time in this relationship.

DEAR ABBY: "She Has a Name in Georgia" (Dec. 2) complained that the care staff at the assisted living community where her mother lives calls her "Granny," "Grandma" and "Mamma." She found it disrespectful, and I agree with her.

I am an R.N. with two advanced nursing degrees. Calling a resident "Granny," "Dear" or "Honey" is not loving or caring. It is degrading, humiliating and hurtful! It does not matter what the ethnicity of the attendant is; there are standards of conduct and patient's rights. I suggest "She Has a Name" ask the director of the facility for copies of the standards of care and patient's rights documents.

The family may want to install a "nanny cam" in the room if it will provide peace of mind. There are many fine communities where care of the residents is professionally and caringly provided. I hope they are able to find one for their mother. -- RETIRED R.N. AND RESIDENT ADVOCATE

DEAR R.N.: Thank you for sharing your expertise on this subject. I didn't realize patient's rights were specified by the documents you mentioned or that how a resident is addressed is covered in them. Other health care professionals responded similarly, and I stand corrected. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: During school and in clinical rotations, we were repeatedly instructed to call clients by their names, especially in situations where memory was impaired. Not only does it help to reorient the patient as to who they are and help them to maintain their identity, but it provides a clear separation as to who is family and who is the caregiver.

The director should not have diminished the importance of the family's feelings on this matter. I suggest they consider relocating their mother to a facility that is more conscientious about the care they are being paid to provide. -- CAREGIVER IN FLORIDA

DEAR ABBY: The assisted living staff should not be calling her mother by those names. The legal term is "elder speak," or as it is commonly known -- baby talk. This infantilizes elders. It is detrimental to their care and contributes to "ageism," a process in which elders are perceived as less valuable than others.

The family was right to speak up and, regardless of cultural considerations, the staff and director should respect their wishes and refer to their mother by her appropriate name. -- SHOCKED R.N. IN CALGARY, CANADA

DEAR ABBY: Failure to address a patient/resident by his or her proper name is a violation of regulations and could be cited during surveys. If the patient preferred a nickname, the care plan conference team (staff department heads, family and patient) needed to make a notation in the care plan to allow the nickname to be used.

Most of this is covered by the Patient's Bill of Rights and falls under the "right to be treated with respect and dignity." Using terms like "Sweetie" or "Granny" is a symptom of the staff's failure to respect the patient's individuality. They are objectifying and dehumanizing the person and becoming too complacent (or lazy) to learn his or her name. Besides, if an aide approached me and said, "Granny is complaining of pain," which "Granny" am I supposed to attend to? -- RESPECTFUL GERIATRIC NURSE

DEAR ABBY: In Michigan, health care professionals are expected to call patients by name. In fact, my nephew was once called into his boss's office at the hospital and reprimanded when she overheard him say to a patient, "I'll show you the way to the X-ray unit, Grandma."

He was forgiven when he explained that the patient he was escorting was actually his real grandmother! -- JUST CALL ME BY NAME

DEAR ABBY: I am 26 and have been dating "Mike" for four years. We met in our senior year of college and recently became engaged. I'm looking forward to being married and starting a family, but there's one "small" problem. I'm in love with Mike's identical twin brother, "Matt."

Mike and Matt are identical in appearance, but Matt is funnier, more outgoing and affectionate than my fiance. I didn't know he existed until a year ago because they had a falling out at their high school graduation and didn't reconcile until recently.

When I met Matt, I knew right away he was the one for me, but I continued dating Mike because I didn't want to ruin his re-established relationship with his brother. Matt reciprocates my feelings. He has told me he's in love with me and wants to date me.

I know I shouldn't have accepted Mike's proposal, but I don't want to hurt him or start another fight between him and his twin, but I also don't want to be married to the wrong man for the rest of my life. I'm unsure what to do. The wedding date has been set. Help! -- IN LOVE WITH THE DOUBLE

DEAR IN LOVE: You should have put the brakes on the relationship with Mike the minute you realized you were attracted to Matt. The engagement should be ended immediately. That you would not only continue to date Mike but also accept his proposal of marriage knowing you were more attracted to his twin was cruel.

If Matt starts seeing you after the breakup, it will probably cause a permanent rift between them. It will be interesting to see what happens when you become available because with some people the "apple" that's just out of reach is the one that's most enticing -- and you may wind up married to neither brother.

DEAR ABBY: My 4-year-old son made a snowman in our front yard and then went inside to take a nap. Our neighbor came over with his son -- age 16 -- to talk to my husband.

When I brought my 3-year-old daughter outside to see the snowman her brother made, I was horrified to see it was now "anatomically correct"! I asked my husband who did it, and he said it was the neighbor's son. My husband thought it was funny and that I was overreacting.

I think the behavior was inappropriate, and the fact that my daughter saw it and wondered what was "hanging on the snowman" was no laughing matter. If the neighbor wanted to make an X-rated snowman, he should have made it in his own front yard. Do you think I'm being too sensitive? -- FAILS TO SEE THE HUMOR

DEAR FAILS TO SEE THE HUMOR: Yes, I do. While I agree the neighbor boy's "artistic endeavor" was in poor taste, it provided an opportunity to answer your daughter's question in a matter-of-fact way and explain there are anatomical differences between boys and girls. You could also have explained that private parts are not supposed to be displayed in public, and asked your husband to remove them as you took your little girl back into the house. Seeing the snowman would not traumatize your daughter as much as seeing you shocked and upset.