DEAR ABBY: I have been accepted to a school that's the alma mater of several of my relatives. My mother, several aunts and other family members all belonged to one sorority at this college. They are urging me to pledge there and uphold the family tradition.

They say they had some of the best times of their lives as members of that sorority chapter. The members do well academically, as the sorority insists on it. They made lifelong friends, and their sorority contacts have been extremely helpful personally and professionally.

Although this chapter is very exclusive and accepts only the best-of-the-best, I will have no problems getting in, not only because of my academic record but also because I'm a "legacy."

So what's the problem? This sorority chapter still uses the paddle. Technically they don't haze -- that is, have any initiation stunts -- but they do use the paddle for disciplinary purposes. When I mention my concerns about the paddling to my mother and aunts, they say I should suck it up, as the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. One of my aunts said she thinks the rules and discipline would be beneficial for me because she considers me kind of a "wild child."

Abby, I don't know if you know anything about sororities, but I'm asking for an objective opinion from someone not directly involved. -- POSSIBLY PADDLED PLEDGE

DEAR P.P.P.: I joined a sorority in college, and I never heard of a sorority hitting pledges or active members. Some fraternities may have allowed it, but certainly not sororities.

Whether your aunt thinks you could use the discipline is beside the point. Striking someone with a paddle is assault with a weapon. A young man died a short time ago in Florida because of the kind of hazing this national organization is winking at. Are young women who behave that way really the kind of people you would like to be lifelong friends? If not, then pass on that sorority!

DEAR ABBY: My son is chronologically 12 and the size of an adult, but emotionally he is age 5. He's a moderately functioning child with autism, ADHD and behavioral issues.

Please let people know that just because they can't see a disability does not mean there isn't one. I often get dirty looks and rude comments, and I am extremely frustrated with it. Being nice or ignoring it does no good.

I know my son's behavior can be childish, rude or inappropriate at times. I have been fighting this battle every day since he was 2. I have seen every doctor and therapist available and exhausted every resource I could find, and now we have either aged out or my son isn't "bad enough" to be eligible.

However, he is still difficult to handle, and I still need to buy groceries and run errands. Sometimes that parent you are giving the dirty looks to is near the end of her rope and could use a little compassion or at least silence from the peanut gallery. What you see isn't always what you get. -- STRUGGLING MOM IN LONG BEACH, MISS.

DEAR STRUGGLING MOM: Please accept my sympathy. As you and other parents of children with disabilities deal with the realities of daily living, the last thing you (or they) need is criticism from strangers. If someone makes a comment or gives you a look, you should say, "My son can't help himself; he's autistic." It's the truth.

DEAR ABBY: I am a very feminine 23-year-old woman who lives at home with my father. I am completely uninterested in getting married or having children now or in the future. I don't believe it's the end of the world to be a woman and not want children, but my dad and my grandmother act as though I'm abnormal. Dad says he blames himself for "failing to raise me right."

He also blames himself for the fact that I'm not interested in guys. The thought of being intimate with a guy is disgusting to me. I identify as mostly asexual, although I have had passing infatuations with women. Dad takes this personally like he is responsible for my desires, or lack thereof. Grandma is worse. She constantly makes excuses to my male friends about how I'm just "not ready yet" and that they should be "patient."

Abby, I know nothing I say will change their minds, but is there something I can do to make them understand they didn't fail? This is who I am. How can I end the guilt trip and keep the peace? -- BORN THIS WAY IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR BORN THIS WAY: People who have no sexual feelings are asexual. People who are attracted to members of the same sex are gay, and they, too, are born that way. It has nothing to do with the way they are raised.

You cannot live your life trying to please your father and grandmother, and you have nothing to apologize for. If you need help explaining why you are the way you are, contact PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), an organization that can provide you with literature that will explain it to them. You can find more information at www.pflag.org.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 37-year-old wife and mother of three. My mother visits us when she's in town during work-related trips, so it's not like she's around all day, thank heavens. But when she's here she constantly corrects my children (ages 8, 14 and 18) and instructs my husband and me how we should spend our money. She also doesn't like it when I swear (which I usually don't do unless she's around) or mention what I think of people she has sent my way who have burned me.

By the time she leaves -- usually four days -- I am so stressed and emotional that I cry at the drop of a hat. I cannot, nor do I want to, continue to have her here when she doesn't respect my rules. I respect her rules when I visit her home.

Obviously, there is much more, but I'm stressed to the max and nearly at the point of being done. Abby, can you give me any pointers to deal with this? -- VISIT OR NOT?

DEAR VISIT OR NOT?: After you have calmed down, and before your mother's next "raid," write her a letter. Explain that while you love her, her visits are taking a significant emotional toll on you. Say she is welcome as long as she refrains from correcting your children because that's your job. Say also that she must stop telling you what to do with your money and correcting your language because you're an adult now. Remind her not to send any more people your way, and why. If she can accept those terms, she'll be welcomed with open arms. Some people need ground rules spelled out for them, and your mother appears to be one of them.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Kyle" for more than six months, but I have loved him for more than two years. I always thought we had a wonderful relationship and that Kyle was a sweet, innocent guy. Well, he just confided to me that he has an Internet porn addiction! I'm very hurt by this and don't want to lose him. What should I do? (By the way, we're both 14.) -- INNOCENT TEEN IN MICHIGAN

DEAR INNOCENT TEEN: You should urge Kyle to get help for his addiction. Addiction, by definition, is behavior that is compulsive and out of control.

The problem with teenage boys getting involved with Internet porn is it gives them an unrealistic expectation of how regular, normal women look and act. Although you don't want to lose him, becoming more involved could lead to his wanting to try out his sexual fantasies with you -- and if you go along with it, it will land you in a world of trouble. The smart thing to do is end this relationship now.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter "Denise's" fiance is 12 years older than she is and still lives with his parents. "Leo" is turning Denise into his mother.

I first noticed it when she cut her beautiful long hair short and in the same style as his mother. Now her lipstick shade is the same as Leo's mother's as well as her glasses and clothing.

At a recent gathering I remarked to Leo, "Wow, Denise looks more like your mother than she does me." After that, our relationship soured. Apparently, he didn't like my observation. Was I wrong? -- CREEPED OUT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CREEPED OUT: No. But you may have said it to the wrong person. You should have said it to your daughter, who may be doing it because she thinks Leo's mother has great taste. Denise could also be consciously or unconsciously doing this to please him.

There's an old song, "I Want a Girl Just Like the Girl That Married Dear Old Dad." Many men idealize their mothers, and it may be a reason why Leo still lives with his parents.