DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Kip," and I are being married next year and we have only one disappointment. It's about my keeping my last name. I don't want to take Kip's last name.

I have had the same name for 33 years and I do not believe a woman "has" to take her husband's name when they marry. However, the biggest issue for me is my fiance never knew his father, who left when Kip was a baby. I do not wish to take the name of a man who neither of us knows, and who had no positive influence on our lives. I'm part of a close-knit family, and I am proud to bear the name of my father -- a hardworking, dedicated Vietnam veteran.

Am I out of line? We will accept your answer because we are unable to resolve this ourselves. -- STANDING MY GROUND IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR STANDING: While most women still change their names to their husband's (or hyphenate them), those who don't usually have established themselves in a career in which they are known by their maiden name. Others fear that if they change their names they'll lose their identity.

No one can or should decide this for you. However, if Kip did know his dad and the man was a fine, upstanding citizen, would you feel differently? Remember, you are marrying Kip, not his father, and I assume your fiance is a wonderful person. Given your logic, because he had no relationship with his father, should he change his name to yours? Please make no decisions about this until you two have talked this out more fully.

DEAR ABBY: My siblings and I never hear from my grandmother unless she's in town, and then it's usually for one day out of the two weeks she's here. She never calls on holidays, birthdays or just to say hello. Yes, we call her on these special days.

We have other grandparents who wouldn't let a week go by without calling to ask how we are, how we are doing in school or just to talk.

My mom is a grandma to my oldest sister's children and when she doesn't see or hear from them within a week, she'll call or visit them. (By the way, my grandmother is retired, very healthy and travels. When she does, we don't even get a postcard!) What's wrong with her? -- HURT FEELINGS IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR HURT FEELINGS: I agree that you didn't get the standard-issue doting, cookie-baking grandmother. Not knowing her, I can't explain the reason for her distant behavior, but I'm positive it has nothing to do with you personally. She may be preoccupied with her own life, or it may have something to do with the relationship she has with your parents. If you really want the answer to your question, the person you should ask is your grandmother the next time she comes to town.

DEAR ABBY: When I'm out in public, there's always someone saying, "Oh, you're so tiny!" or, "I didn't see you down there," or, "You're so cute!" Abby, I am 83 years old with white hair. I was never tall to begin with, and I have lost close to 4 inches due to a bad back (with constant pain), spine surgery and osteoporosis.

Please remind your readers to abstain from making remarks about a person's size. I don't feel "cute," and I don't appreciate the constant reminders about my disability. Am I too sensitive? -- VERTICALLY CHALLENGED IN ANN ARBOR, MICH.

DEAR VERTICALLY CHALLENGED: I don't think so. You have stated your feelings very well, but I'm pleased to remind readers that comments about someone's personal appearance ("You're so tall," "You're so small, "You're so thin") can hit a sore spot, and to refrain from saying the first thing that comes to mind because it may be rude or hurtful.

DEAR ABBY: Several years ago my mother-in-law had to be placed in a nursing care residence because of dementia. When I visited her, it became more and more difficult to find things to talk about, until one day I came across her old address book. The idea struck me to take it with me each time I visited her, and what a success it was!

I started at the beginning of the "A" section, giving her a name and asking her to tell me about that person. She remembered a lot about most of the people in the book and related wonderful stories of friendships in rural America during the Great Depression of the 1930s. Of course, there were hardships, too. She and my father-in-law worked side-by-side on the farm to support their family.

Our "story time" visits continued until full-blown Alzheimer's disease set in. I only hope she enjoyed our times together as much as I did. They were special to me, and I'd always leave the nursing home with a smile. -- FOUND A WAY IN KANSAS

DEAR FOUND A WAY: I'm sure your mother-in-law enjoyed those visits, and what a treasure trove of family history she must have shared with you. Please write down all the stories you remember for the rest of the family because they are priceless. Your idea was brilliant, and thank you for sharing it with me and my readers.

DEAR ABBY: I have recently become engaged. I have been planning this day since I was a little girl. My problem is my mother. She's a little bit of a control freak. She plans to pay for the wedding -- which is nice and I appreciate it -- but at the same time I feel like she's ignoring my plans and substituting hers. Every time I tell her what I'd like, she tries to persuade me to do what she wants.

I even tried once being rude and telling her that she has had four weddings and this one is mine, but she got defensive when I tried to be frank with her. I feel like nothing I suggest is good enough. I don't want to spoil this for her because I'm her only daughter, but I don't want her spoiling it for me because HOPEFULLY this will be my only wedding. -- LOSING PATIENCE IN LOUISIANA

DEAR LOSING PATIENCE: This may not be what you would like me to say, but as long as your mother is footing the bills for your wedding, she will have some say in the planning. If you prefer to make this a one-woman production -- and that's your privilege -- thank her warmly for her generous offer and tell her you can't accept it, and that you will be planning and paying for your wedding yourself.

DEAR ABBY: I work in a small, quiet office. My boss sits at the desk across from me and spends a great deal of time biting his nails. The noise drives me crazy and turns an otherwise pleasant work experience into a stressful one. I've tried turning up the radio, to no avail. Do you have any suggestions on how to tell my boss that he has a loud and nasty habit? -- TRAPPED WITH A NAIL-BITER

DEAR TRAPPED: No, I do not, and I recommend against you doing it. Be thankful he's not biting his toenails.

DEAR ABBY: A few days ago, my mom told me that if it wasn't for me, she and my dad would be divorced. She also said that the last few years with my dad have been terrible. I feel so guilty about this, knowing that I'm the reason my parents are unhappy.

I barely slept the night my mom told me this, but actually, it all makes sense. Now I know why my parents yell at me for no reason and why I get in trouble for no reason. Abby, please help me. How do I tell my mom how it made me feel? -- FEELS GUILTY IN GEORGIA

DEAR FEELS GUILTY: Your mother was wrong to say that you are the only reason she and your father have stayed married. They are together for reasons of their own that have little or nothing to do with you. You are not responsible for their unhappiness.

Your parents appear to be under a lot of pressure right now, which may be why their tempers are frayed. Before discussing this with your mother, it might help to talk about what happened with another adult relative you trust. However, if there is no one else, clip this letter, show it to your mother and tell her you wrote it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old woman with a problem I'm not sure how to solve. I am 30 pounds overweight (I have been heavyset my whole life). My mom and I have been walking together for years, talking and enjoying each other's company as we go.

For a while, we were both losing weight consistently as a result of our walks. But since my parents' divorce three years ago, Mom has had to work full-time and isn't able to walk with me as often.

I want to continue walking to lose weight so I can be healthier and feel better about myself. But I feel I will be betraying my mom by not including her. Walking together has been our tradition, so I don't know how she'll feel if I continue to walk without her. What should I do? -- STEPPING LIGHTLY

DEAR STEPPING LIGHTLY: Get out there and continue walking -- with headphones or with friends. Exercise with your mother on weekends if she's available, and encourage her to do some walking on her own during her lunch hour. The only thing you should not do is quit walking because you feel guilty that you and your mother are now on different "paths."

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Daryl" for 10 years. He has never really hit the mark in what I want -- someone who is mature, stable, predictable and has an appropriate perspective on life. Daryl depends on the outside world to make him feel good about himself, and when that doesn't happen, he drinks and smokes pot.

I love exercise and the outdoors. He doesn't like hiking. In fact, he's afraid to challenge himself physically in even the smallest way.

I have to decide whether to stay and "make do" or move on. How do I make that choice? (I'm over 40.) -- LOOKING FOR BETTER, LAGUNA HILLS, CALIF.

DEAR LOOKING: Tell your husband what you have told me. That will give him a chance to shape up and at least try to be more of the man you thought you married. (I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt and not assuming you felt you were compromising when you accepted his proposal.) Daryl deserves to spend his life with someone who values him for who he is, not someone who feels she's "making do." If it doesn't work, then you should both move on.