DEAR ABBY: I have been happily married for more than 20 years. I joined an online social network to keep in touch with family, friends and my kids who are in college. I love the convenience, but I'm in a quandary.

A number of men from my past (some I dated and some not) have contacted me online with their phone numbers and asked me to call them. I was flattered at first, but now I think phone communication would be inviting trouble.

I politely inform friends who push the issue that I'm happy to catch up online, but out of respect for my husband and my marriage I don't call men who send me their numbers. Most of them then drop further attempts at communication; others do not.

My problem is it continues to happen. I don't remember being that popular when I was young, so it has caught me off guard. I suspended my account several times, but reactivated it because I miss the connection with extended family and friends.

I'm getting turned off to responding to any "friend" requests anymore because it seems that most men just want to recapture some youthful fantasy. How do I handle this? -- BLAST FROM THE PAST

DEAR BLAST: You are handling it very well just the way you are.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Ian," and I are in our 30s. Although we have been together for seven months, his family is not yet over his ex-wife. They invite her for dinner, share weekend visitation with Ian's daughter with her, and remind him constantly that they are disappointed with his decision.

Ian has moved on. He would like to cut all ties with his ex, but his family won't allow it. He's afraid if he puts his foot down it will destroy the already strained relationship he has with them.

My family accepts Ian, but his refuses to admit I exist. How do we deal with this? It's Ian's life, and he has the right to choose who he spends it with. -- INVISIBLE WOMAN IN PHILLY

DEAR INVISIBLE WOMAN: Toughen up, grit your teeth and continue the relationship. Remember, because a child is involved, Ian cannot completely move on. As for his parents, accept that their grandchild's mother will always be a part of their lives so get used to it. If this romance leads to the altar, you will meet Ian's family at some point.

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Cailin" is very sensitive and not very accepting. She's also unforgiving and tends to get into stupid arguments about nothing. Since the sixth grade it has gotten even worse.

There is a new girl in school who seems to be a really nice, friendly person. Cailin was the first one to meet her and she wouldn't let anyone else sit with them.

I told my mom about it and she said to just sit down with them both. Today I did what my mom said to do. When Cailin saw us together, she was steaming. She ignored me for the rest of the day.

I don't want to keep the new girl, just share her. Why can't Cailin and I both be friends with her? Is there any way I could talk to her? I'm considering talking to the dean of students. Would this be OK? -- SHARING FRIENDS IN COLORADO

DEAR SHARING FRIENDS: Cailin is immature, insecure and possessive. She's afraid that if the new girl talks to other people, the girl will no longer like and depend on her. That's why she was angry when you sat down with them.

By all means discuss this with the dean of students. The dean may have a solution that will allow the new girl a chance to make friends with more of her classmates -- including you.

DEAR ABBY: After 19 years of marriage, my husband left me for a younger woman. I found out later that they had been dating for several years. They moved in together immediately after our separation, and she was pregnant at the divorce hearing. They had a baby boy eight months later.

At every event with my kids, they come together with their son and she steers the conversation to her life, what's going on, etc. I have tried to be silent and civil, but she ruined my daughter's high school graduation by gossiping and giggling behind me and the kids the entire event.

I am trying not to be a bitter ex, but I have had to bite back some nasty words to both of them. Any suggestions on how to deal with a miserably blended family? -- BLENDED FAMILY IN BATON ROUGE, LA.

DEAR "BLENDED" FAMILY: Yes, and please don't think I am without sympathy. The surest way to deal with your miserably blended family is to make a conscious decision to get on with your life. If you're not interested in what the woman has to say, get up and move away. No one says you must listen to her prattle. Develop your own interests and activities, and meet some new friends. The stronger and more independent you become, the better off you'll be. Trust me.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with "Anita" for four years. She moved in with me two years ago and our home life has been wonderful. We are a unique couple. We have discussed marriage, but neither of us believes in the tradition.

I'd like to show Anita how much I love her, as well as show others we're in a serious relationship. An engagement ring would be a way to show it. However, the term "engagement" would not be accurate because we do not plan to marry.

Can you suggest another symbol or even another term for a ring to show unity without indicating the eventuality of marriage? -- ROMANTIC IN OHIO

DEAR ROMANTIC: How about calling Anita's ring a commitment ring? Or give her a pendant with a sweet message engraved on the back? Or a wristwatch engraved with, "Love ya 'til the end of time," or "... 'til time runs out." Another way to indicate to others that you're together but don't believe in "tradition" would be to hold a commitment ceremony and invite friends.

DEAR ABBY: There is an issue driving a wedge between my wife and me. I have always believed that my casual shirts (in fact, all my shirts) should be worn tucked into my slacks. My wife feels they should be left out. I think I look better with them tucked in. She feels differently.

Abby, you can save our marriage if you'll let us know who is right. To tuck, or not to tuck -- that is the question. And, by the way, she says I should mention that I have a bodacious waistline, which means I could lose 40 pounds. -- FRIAR "TUCKED" IN LONGMONT, COLO.

DEAR "TUCKED": Your wife is your best friend and she is right. (If you doubt it, consult a men's haberdasher.) By leaving your shirt out, you would appear to be a few pounds thinner. When you tuck it in, your "bodacious" waistline is accentuated by a horizontal line, which makes you appear to be heavier.

DEAR ABBY: On Oct. 19 you printed a letter from "Bruised and Abused," a man who is dating a woman who becomes physically violent when they argue. I know this is a touchy subject. I have heard from authorities that about half of domestic violence occurs when a woman throws the first blow.

Most women believe, as the abusive girlfriend said, that her attack on him isn't violence because she's a woman and he is a man. As difficult as it may be, we need to talk about the role women play in the domestic violence cycle as well as the responsibilities of men. I'm saving the letter from "Bruised" to remind me. -- DONALD, A CALIFORNIA DENTIST

DEAR DONALD: Since I printed that letter I have heard from readers telling me my answer didn't go far enough. (I advised him to end the relationship.) Among those who wrote to me were doctors, members of law enforcement and mental health specialists -- as well as former victims. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: Because we are bigger and stronger does not mean we don't get abused. I was abused by my former wife and an ex-girlfriend before I recognized it for what it was and got myself the help I needed. Nobody else was there for me.

If she is hitting him, he needs to call the police. If he has marks on him, she will go to jail. Men are too often ashamed to call the police because men think it reflects on their manhood. However, they need to put that shame aside and get the help they need. -- JOE IN MISSOURI

DEAR ABBY: I'm a retired cop. "Bruised" asked you if what his girlfriend is doing is domestic abuse. Your reply did not mention that his girlfriend hitting him is domestic abuse. It doesn't matter if the abuser is male or female, nor the size of the victim.

"Bruised" should call the cops and report this before she goads him into a response that gets him arrested. The courts can mandate the therapy she apparently needs. -- RUSS IN HELENA, MONT.

DEAR ABBY: I was a victim. People asked me why I didn't fight back. I wasn't raised to hit women.

In the end, my wife put me in the hospital twice and left me blind in my left eye. She spent nine months in jail for everything that happened.

Violence is violence regardless of who is throwing the punches. Tell that man he needs to get out now! God forbid he ends up dead. -- BATTERED IN ARIZONA

DEAR ABBY: It doesn't matter if he is a boy and she is a girl, or that he is bigger and stronger. Women do abuse men. It's a crime that too often goes unreported. He should contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800) 799-7233 or SAFE (Stop Abuse for Everyone) at www.safe4all.org. -- CLAUDIA, Ph.D., LONG BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I agree with you that the man needs to leave "Carmen." But something he wrote in his letter concerns me. He said, "I don't want to end the relationship, but I think it's the only way I can make her see things from my perspective."

This indicates to me that he thinks he can "teach her a lesson" by breaking up with her, and that this would stop her behavior. That would be a huge misconception on his part.

Carmen's behavior isn't something that can be modified through a breakup. It is something that will require intense counseling to correct, if it can be corrected at all. The boyfriend needs to end things for good -- and run like the wind! -- BRUCE IN HOUSTON

DEAR ABBY: Domestic abuse isn't just male-on-female. It is very often female-on-male, and partner-on-partner in homosexual relationships. "Bruised and Abused" needs to notify the police, get a restraining order and stay away. -- STUDENT NURSE IN CHAPEL HILL