DEAR ABBY: On Oct. 19 you printed a letter from "Bruised and Abused," a man who is dating a woman who becomes physically violent when they argue. I know this is a touchy subject. I have heard from authorities that about half of domestic violence occurs when a woman throws the first blow.

Most women believe, as the abusive girlfriend said, that her attack on him isn't violence because she's a woman and he is a man. As difficult as it may be, we need to talk about the role women play in the domestic violence cycle as well as the responsibilities of men. I'm saving the letter from "Bruised" to remind me. -- DONALD, A CALIFORNIA DENTIST

DEAR DONALD: Since I printed that letter I have heard from readers telling me my answer didn't go far enough. (I advised him to end the relationship.) Among those who wrote to me were doctors, members of law enforcement and mental health specialists -- as well as former victims. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: Because we are bigger and stronger does not mean we don't get abused. I was abused by my former wife and an ex-girlfriend before I recognized it for what it was and got myself the help I needed. Nobody else was there for me.

If she is hitting him, he needs to call the police. If he has marks on him, she will go to jail. Men are too often ashamed to call the police because men think it reflects on their manhood. However, they need to put that shame aside and get the help they need. -- JOE IN MISSOURI

DEAR ABBY: I'm a retired cop. "Bruised" asked you if what his girlfriend is doing is domestic abuse. Your reply did not mention that his girlfriend hitting him is domestic abuse. It doesn't matter if the abuser is male or female, nor the size of the victim.

"Bruised" should call the cops and report this before she goads him into a response that gets him arrested. The courts can mandate the therapy she apparently needs. -- RUSS IN HELENA, MONT.

DEAR ABBY: I was a victim. People asked me why I didn't fight back. I wasn't raised to hit women.

In the end, my wife put me in the hospital twice and left me blind in my left eye. She spent nine months in jail for everything that happened.

Violence is violence regardless of who is throwing the punches. Tell that man he needs to get out now! God forbid he ends up dead. -- BATTERED IN ARIZONA

DEAR ABBY: It doesn't matter if he is a boy and she is a girl, or that he is bigger and stronger. Women do abuse men. It's a crime that too often goes unreported. He should contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800) 799-7233 or SAFE (Stop Abuse for Everyone) at www.safe4all.org. -- CLAUDIA, Ph.D., LONG BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I agree with you that the man needs to leave "Carmen." But something he wrote in his letter concerns me. He said, "I don't want to end the relationship, but I think it's the only way I can make her see things from my perspective."

This indicates to me that he thinks he can "teach her a lesson" by breaking up with her, and that this would stop her behavior. That would be a huge misconception on his part.

Carmen's behavior isn't something that can be modified through a breakup. It is something that will require intense counseling to correct, if it can be corrected at all. The boyfriend needs to end things for good -- and run like the wind! -- BRUCE IN HOUSTON

DEAR ABBY: Domestic abuse isn't just male-on-female. It is very often female-on-male, and partner-on-partner in homosexual relationships. "Bruised and Abused" needs to notify the police, get a restraining order and stay away. -- STUDENT NURSE IN CHAPEL HILL

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 25-year-old guy with a unique problem. My father has been dating a woman since I was 16 who has a daughter my age named "Emma." Over the years Emma and I became good friends -- then more than that. We hooked up a few times. About a year ago, I told her I had developed feelings for her, which drove her off pretty fast. We haven't talked since. She now lives in another state with her boyfriend, and I'm happy for her.

With the holidays here, Dad expects me to go to all of the events and get-togethers. I made up excuses last year to avoid them, but don't think I can do that again. I want to escape the awkward interaction with Emma and her boyfriend because I still have feelings for her. I don't want to disappoint Dad, but I don't know how to handle this. Help, please. -- RUNNING FROM THE HOLIDAYS

DEAR RUNNING: You don't have to attend "all" the events and get-togethers, but you should attend a few. When you do, consider bringing a friend with you and minimizing the contact you have with Emma and her boyfriend. Observe the social amenities, keep the conversation brief and casual, and concentrate on the rest of the family.

While the initial contact may be painful, this is no different than any other romance that didn't work out. The awkwardness will pass if you concentrate on something else.

DEAR ABBY: I have been living with my daughter and her family for two years because I lost my job. I don't pay rent, but help out with the utilities and buy my own groceries. I also baby-sit for them several days a week. The only money I have is an inheritance my father left me to live on, and it is dissipating quickly.

I have met a man and have fallen in love with him. I plan to move in with him soon. The problem is my daughter and son-in-law owe me money. They promised it would be repaid, but when I ask when, they give me the run-around. (They always have money for tattoos, movies and concerts, though.) They also expect me to baby-sit for them on weekends, but that's the only time I can see my boyfriend.

How do I tell them I want to live my own life? I want to be free and not have to worry about them needing me to baby-sit and making me feel guilty about it. I'm afraid they'll say that because I lived with them, they no longer owe me the money. I don't know how to tell them without it turning ugly. Any suggestions would be appreciated. -- FRUSTRATED IN K.C., MO.

DEAR FRUSTRATED: I presume your daughter and son-in-law have met your boyfriend? Announce the good news that you will be living with him; it shouldn't be shocking. Ask again for the money that they owe you. Be pleasant, but firm, and don't let it escalate into an argument. If they say they don't have it, ask them to sign (and date) a note promising to repay it at a later date. That will be your proof that a loan was extended. If they refuse, with no proof that you loaned them money, you won't have leverage to force them to pay up.

As for the baby-sitting, do it when it's convenient for you. If they want their "freedom" on some weekends, let them pay you instead of a sitter and work off part of their obligation that way. But insist on cash.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 13 years to a good guy who is a great dad. We have two boys, ages 9 and 11. The problem is, we don't communicate. We hardly have sex and we don't get along at all.

I feel like I have sacrificed physical and emotional intimacy so my kids can have both parents in their lives full-time. When I think of writing down my husband's attributes, all I can think of is that he's a good dad, good worker and helps out around the house. But I have no problem coming up with a list of bad things.

Am I selfish? Should I just smother my emotions and go on like I have been all these years? -- UNFULFILLED IN GEORGIA

DEAR UNFULFILLED: It's not selfish to want emotional and physical intimacy with another person. It's normal, and your husband may miss it, too.

There's an alternative to ending your marriage, and that is fighting to save it. It would require effort from both of you and the services of a licensed marriage counselor. However, if it works, I know you'll thank me. And if it doesn't, at least you will know you tried. Why not suggest to your husband that you make it your first New Year's resolution?

DEAR ABBY: Right now I'm so tired I can hardly write this letter asking for the advice I need. I work the 11 p.m.-7 a.m. shift at a prison. Because I'm home during the day, everyone assumes I am available to socialize. How do I get through to them that I sleep during the day and work at night? A lot of people -- including my husband -- will say to me, "What? You're not up yet?" when I have been asleep for only three hours.

I have thought about calling these people from work at 2 a.m. asking, "Aren't you up yet?" Then they might get the picture. What do you think? -- WORKING A 40-HOUR WEEK AT AGE 73

DEAR WORKING: The insensitivity of the folks in your circle is surprising. And as for your husband, did you marry someone who is sadistic or selfish? Tell him that if he wants to enjoy the benefits of your paycheck, he will have to make sure you get enough sleep to earn one.

When people call or come by and disturb your rest, tell them plainly you do not want to be disturbed before a certain time. Then turn off your phone, let callers leave messages on your voicemail and return them when you're fully awake. As to those who still drop by -- by all means call them at 2 a.m.

DEAR ABBY: Christmas is fast approaching. Our family get-together consists of a crazy celebration where we draw numbers and choose a gift in numerical order. If we want, we can choose a gift that someone already has.

I'd like your opinion on re-gifting. Each year some family members just bring the gift they received last year, rewrapped. I think if someone doesn't care enough to shop for a $20 gift for a family exchange, it takes away from the idea of gift-giving. What do you think? -- JIM IN AMARILLO, TEXAS

DEAR JIM: I think you should find your sense of humor where you misplaced it, and stop looking a gift horse in the mouth. The kind of party you describe is done for laughs, and none of the gifts is selected with one specific person in mind if it can be claimed by another.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: Tonight at sundown the eight days of Hanukkah begin. Happy Hanukkah, everyone! May all of you enjoy a joyous festival of lights.