DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been living together for nine months. We have decided to host Christmas dinner at our house and invited 20 people -- 10 from each of our families. His mother, unfortunately, is having a hard time accepting that her 27-year-old son is growing up.

She says she feels "awkward" and that their family has had its traditions for many years. (My boyfriend has spent every Christmas Eve and Christmas night at his parents' house since birth.)

I come from a family that is adaptable to change. Any suggestions for dealing with this potential future mother-in-law? -- FREE SPIRIT IN PHOENIX

DEAR FREE SPIRIT: First of all, don't plan on your boyfriend's parents attending your Christmas dinner, and don't take it personally if they don't. She may be unwilling to change their Christmas tradition.

If and when a wedding date is set, or your boyfriend makes clear to her that your arrangement will be permanent, the three of you can then come to an agreement to alternate these holidays so you and your parents are able to also host these gatherings. This is how new families establish their own traditions and in-laws aren't made to feel that one side is favored.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my fiance for two years. Lately he's been having trouble controlling his anger. His outbursts are becoming more frequent, and he feels like they're justified. He says if I didn't "nag" him so much there wouldn't be any arguments.

I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I'm becoming frightened by the level he allows his anger to reach. Can you help a man like this deal with his anger? -- NEEDS HELP IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR NEEDS HELP: No, and neither can you, as much as you might wish to. Only he can do that, and it would take willingness on his part and counseling. Blaming you for his outbursts indicates he's not ready to do that. The smartest thing you can do is leave before he escalates to hurting you physically. Without professional help, the behavior you have described will only get worse.

DEAR ABBY: I have an elderly neighbor I have been friends with for many years. Over the past several years she has had numerous medical problems. I have done everything I can to be her friend. I do things around the house, bring her meals, whatever I can. She has no family and only one other friend besides me.

She is depressed and stays in bed most of the day, which contributes to her aches and pains. I keep telling her she needs to get up and walk or her pain will get worse. It has reached the point where she's so nasty about everything that I don't even want to talk to her.

I understand that she's scared and feels beaten up. I try to talk about things that are noncontroversial -- happy things. It doesn't work. She turns everything into an argument. I don't know what to do. I hate to ignore her, but it's really taking a toll on me. Am I a fair-weather friend? -- TRYING TO BE A GOOD NEIGHBOR IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR GOOD NEIGHBOR: No, you are a caring friend. Your elderly neighbor is ill, and she may be becoming demented. Because she is no longer able to care for herself or her home, contact the nearest hospital or senior center and ask to speak with a social worker on staff. The woman you describe may need more help than you can give her, from people with the training to do it.

DEAR ABBY: My mother, Eleanor, passed away last Aug. 30. She spent her long life helping others. During her eulogy, I described her by saying, "Her best lesson, the one she modeled for us, is that a selfless life devoted to family and others, is the highest example of God's work here on Earth."

After the funeral, my brother mentioned that the one thing Mom had wanted read during her service was an item she had saved from a column of yours that was published in 1999. It eloquently captures the essence of bigotry and lack of compassion in our society.

Although we have made significant inroads on eradicating prejudice, I found it still timely. Would you please print it again? -- ELLIE'S DAUGHTER IN SEATTLE

DEAR DAUGHTER: I am honored that your mother found something she saw in my column to be so meaningful. Please accept my sympathy for her passing. I agree that the poem, which is attributed to James Patrick Kinney, is worth sharing again.

THE COLD WITHIN

Six humans trapped in happenstance

In dark and bitter cold,

Each one possessed a stick of wood,

Or so the story's told.

Their dying fire in need of logs

The first woman held hers back,

For of the faces around the fire,

She noticed one was black.

The next man looking across the way

Saw not one of his church,

And couldn't bring himself to give

The fire his stick of birch.

The third one sat in tattered clothes

He gave his coat a hitch,

Why should his log be put to use,

To warm the idle rich?

The rich man just sat back and thought

Of the wealth he had in store,

And how to keep what he had earned,

From the lazy, shiftless poor.

The black man's face bespoke revenge

As the fire passed from sight,

For all he saw in his stick of wood

Was a chance to spite the white.

The last man of this forlorn group

Did naught except for gain,

Giving only to those who gave,

Was how he played the game.

The logs held tight in death's still hands

Was proof of human sin,

They didn't die from the cold without,

They died from the cold within.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an 18-year-old male living on my own in an apartment not far from my parents' home. They visit me often and take turns driving me to the local college because I don't have a car.

My parents tend to worry about me. I'm rather thin, but I eat healthy. My dad goes over the top with his concern about my weight and it is hurtful. He has called me a "cadaver" in front of friends. And when he drops me off after classes, he often says, "Now go eat something fattening!"

I have tried to discuss how his repeated comments affect my self-confidence, but am always met with, "I'm your father. I have every right to be concerned." Am I wrong to take offense at my dad's brand of concern? Is there anything I can do to evade these hurtful comments? -- TWIG WITH FEELINGS

DEAR TWIG: Your father's attempt to "help" you by ridiculing you in front of your contemporaries is insensitive. The fact that he is your father does not entitle him to be cruel.

If there is a student health center at your college, go there and talk to a medical professional about what is a healthy weight for your height and age, and whether any medical tests might be necessary to verify your health. If not, consult your family physician. This may provide the "proof" you need in discussions with your father. Some males fill out later than others.

You should also ask your mother to point out to your dad that what he's doing is counterproductive. Perhaps she can make him see the light. If that doesn't work, arrange other transportation to and from school so you will be less dependent on your father.

DEAR ABBY: A friend and I were talking about how wimpy a lot of guys in our generation are. We're both in our mid-20s and seldom meet guys who take charge.

Several times we have met guys who said they'd call and set up a date. We know they're interested because they have told our friends they'd like to date us again. But then they don't call. Try as we might to give them chances to ask us out, they usually don't.

I know that traditional dating rules are often discarded, but I don't want to be the aggressor. Their being "scared" isn't an acceptable excuse, much less an attractive quality. Why do women so often have to do all the work nowadays or end up alone? -- PREFERS TRADITIONAL

DEAR PREFERS TRADITIONAL: Women do not have to do all the work in a relationship or risk remaining single for life. But they do have to shoulder a lot more of the responsibility than a generation ago as a result of the women's movement. (Yes, I know I'll catch "heck" for saying it.) As women have become more independent and aggressive, the old rules of romance have started to disappear.

Men aren't stupid. Their view is, "If women are willing to do the courting, why should men do it?" The guys you've described aren't wimps; their passivity hasn't turned other women off. Sending you messages through your friends instead of being direct and following through on their promises to call is business as usual for them. While their behavior may seem immature, it has worked for them before.

Don't give up hope. There are men who are interested in old-fashioned romance, but they are fewer in number. Be patient, keep looking and you'll find one.