DEAR ABBY: "Saddened in New Jersey" (Oct. 2) complained that her sister's 4-year-old daughter put stickers on the hands and face of her deceased grandmother during her wake. Perhaps the child's mother didn't anticipate her daughter's actions. Children need to grieve, too. That said, they also should behave appropriately.

I saw an article about one funeral home with an excellent solution. Before the dearly departed is placed in the casket, the inside fabric, pillow, etc. are removed. The children are then allowed to decorate the uncovered casket walls with farewell messages and drawings. The interior is then "reupholstered" and nothing is visible. The children are told that it is to keep their messages private.

One story was particularly touching -- a little boy wanted his mommy to know how much he loved her and for it to be as close to her as possible. He wrote "I love you, Mommy" on the casket pillow that was placed beneath her head. At the service, only he knew about the secret message he had left for his mom for all eternity. -- A MOM IN TEXAS

DEAR MOM: Thank you for sharing a clever solution. I felt that the child's placing of stickers on her grandmother's body was disrespectful and the mother was wrong to permit it in spite of the grandfather's expression of disapproval. While I viewed it as a desecration of a corpse, readers felt differently. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: "Saddened" should never have removed the 4-year-old from the casket. It was not her place. The child was giving her grandmother a goodbye gift. If the woman wanted to remove the stickers before the casket was closed, she should have done it after the child left the room.

I have seen many friends and relatives place things in caskets as gifts and remembrances. It is not disrespectful to the deceased, but gives closure and a warm memory to those who are still living.

Putting stickers on Grandma was the child's way of saying goodbye. A funeral is a celebration of life and no matter what their age, people are entitled to say goodbye in their own way. -- MELODY IN NEVADA

DEAR ABBY: If the sticker incident is the worst that can be said about the 4-year-old's behavior that day, what's the harm? Had she thrown a tantrum during the service or before placing the stickers, I'd agree that the child should not have been there. But since the behavior took place after "Saddened" made an issue of the stickers, the situation could have been handled more effectively.

All "Saddened" had to do was wait until the service was over, take the funeral director aside privately and ask him to remove the stickers before the deceased was interred. No drama, no scene, no tantrum, and everybody goes home in peace. Funerals, like any other event, are only as stressful as you want them to be. -- NO DRAMA, PLEASE

DEAR ABBY: I own the West's oldest funeral firm and I disagree with your answer. Funerals are about learning that we are mortal. To stand on ceremony when a young child is participating in one of life's most important lessons misses the point. Memorials are not about formality but humanity. Let the child place those stickers and let everyone learn something from that. -- DAN IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR ABBY: Our grandchildren love stickers, put them all over themselves and their clothing, and are thrilled if they can share them with me to "wear" for a while. If any of our grandkids are still young enough to want to "decorate" me in my casket when I go, I would hope everyone around me would appreciate the gesture and smile at the loving relationship I had with that child. -- GRANDMA OF (ALMOST) 13

DEAR ABBY: I am an educated woman in my late 20s. I have been married for several years to a wonderful man, and we were recently blessed with our first child.

Since our wedding, my relationship with my mother-in-law has been an evolving one. Since the inception of "Desperate Housewives" on TV, she seems to believe she's a character on the show. She trots around in revealing clothing looking like a streetwalker. She spends most of her time gossiping with her newfound buddies who are half her age, and who seem to delight in dressing her up to make her the talk of the town.

As a little girl, when I dreamed of how my life would be as a married woman, it was never like this. My dreams never included a MIL who enjoys seeing people look at her in disbelief as she struts across the room. I don't want this to be an example for my daughter. Confronting her doesn't work -- she responds with guilt and mockery. In other words, she always wins. I'm at a loss and have given up trying to figure her out. Please help. -- DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE

DEAR DESPERATE: As an educated woman, it's time for you to smarten up and accept your mother-in-law for the "character" she is -- warts and all. You were wrong to expect her to fulfill the fantasy role you created for her. She's not ready to do it -- and she may never be.

The way she dresses will not influence your daughter; you will do that. Your mother-in-law's attire is a reflection only on her, not you. Remember that. If she is so youthful in spirit that she has been accepted by a younger group of women, stop judging her and perhaps even learn from it. She's not over the hill yet. So stop trying to push her there, and you'll both be happier.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Joe," and I have been married for 12 years. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and he has a son from a previous relationship. My daughter is married and lives in another state.

My 22-year-old stepson, "Junior," lives with us. He has a history of drug and alcohol abuse and has stolen from us. I recently discovered that another item of mine was missing. I told Joe it has to stop -- that I can't live like a prisoner in my own home. Joe will not kick Junior out of the house. Joe said he would leave, but that he won't put Junior out on the street like a dog.

Our marriage was solid until Junior's problems started a year ago. I'd never ask my husband to make a choice. Junior is his son. I, on the other hand, feel like a stranger in my own home. We barely speak now and have been sleeping in separate rooms. I am at a loss. Abby, have you any advice? -- STRANGER IN MY OWN HOME

DEAR STRANGER: Yes. You and your husband should consult a therapist who specializes in treating addictions. Your husband loves his son, but he is enabling him to continue using by turning a blind eye to his stealing and not enforcing consequences. Sometimes love has to be tough. Because your marriage has deteriorated to the point that you no longer speak or share a bedroom, recognize that you must look out for your own welfare because your husband seems unwilling or unable to.

DEAR ABBY: I am 35 and my husband is 45. When we met, he weighed 375 pounds. He has now hit the 600-pound mark. I have five kids, a full-time job and go to school two nights a week. He talks about losing weight, but it's easier to talk about than actually do. He was in a car accident that left him with back problems, and on top of that he has bad knees from sports.

The future doesn't look promising. I know that one day he'll be confined to bed -- I predict in the very near future -- and I will have to drop everything to take care of him. He is already dependent on me and the older kids to take care of him because he's in pain all the time and can't physically do anything. He doesn't have insurance.

If I didn't have a family to take care of, it might not be as big of an issue. This is very depressing. I am thinking of seeing a counselor. He has already told me that he won't go. Your input would be greatly appreciated. -- WIFE OF A BIG MAN

DEAR WIFE: Talk to a counselor right away. Unless you do something now, you will be unemployed and homebound with a sick husband and five dependent children. Who enabled your helpless husband to gain all the weight?

His life depends upon him being on a strict, sensible nutrition regimen. Because he has no insurance, a self-help group could be a lifesaver. Overeaters Anonymous may be able to give you some guidance and offer him emotional support. There are chapters nationwide, as near as your phone book, or contact them online at www.oa.org.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Frank," and I have been together for four months. I'm 21 and he's 31. He was married before. This is my first serious relationship.

Sometimes we get into heated arguments because he's ready to "plan for the future" while I just want to go with the flow. He thinks I don't take our relationship seriously because I'm not ready to move in with him, get married or start a family yet. When I explain that I would love for all of that to happen -- eventually -- Frank says it seems more like a friendship than a relationship. That really hurts me, because I'm trying.

These arguments over my lack of "seriousness" are killing me. They started two months into the relationship. I feel pressured. If the pressure continues, I'm feeling like we may not be able to be together. I need your advice, please. -- DOING THE BEST I CAN IN BOSTON

DEAR DOING THE BEST YOU CAN: You are a smart young woman with excellent instincts. Trust them. You feel pressured because you are being pressured. In fact, you're being given the full-court press.

Pushing for a quick involvement/commitment is one of the warning signs of an abuser. Ask yourself, What's the rush? Find out the reasons why his marriage failed. Stand your ground and don't allow yourself to be pushed into anything you are not completely comfortable with. And if it persists, end the relationship.

DEAR ABBY: I'm seeing a counselor for my anxiety, and it bothers me that he yawns throughout each consultation. He sometimes apologizes for it, though. Is this inappropriate behavior for a therapist? -- MIFFED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR MIFFED: Unless your counselor is starved for oxygen or burning the candle at both ends, yes, it is. And because it is distracting to you during your sessions, tell him if it doesn't stop, you will have to find another counselor.