DEAR ABBY: I am 28 and have dated my boyfriend "Dan" for two years. We have lived together for the past year. I fell for him the moment I laid eyes on him and have always imagined we would spend the rest of our lives together.

My problem is Dan shows me almost no affection. He doesn't tell me he loves me unless I say it first; he never wants to cuddle next to me or hug me when he gets home from work. He insists that he loves me, and says his lack of demonstrativeness is because he didn't grow up in an affectionate household and it makes him uncomfortable.

I feel Dan is an adult and can choose to make his household -- our household -- one filled with love and affection. It's starting to make me question whether we really have a future together. Am I overreacting? -- NO HUGS, NO CUDDLES IN PHILLY

DEAR NO HUGS, NO CUDDLES: No. You're an intelligent woman, and you're asking intelligent questions. Before making up your mind about Dan, make clear to him what your needs are. Demonstrate the kind of affection you need from him, and see if he's willing to make the effort. If he's not up to it, then -- face it -- he's not the man for you. To marry someone who can't show love would be for you to live on an emotional starvation diet.

DEAR ABBY: I am a caring, loving husband. I enjoy my time with my wife. I think about our future a lot and want our marriage to last for as long as possible.

I make exercise a priority in my life, but I can't get her to understand that she should, too. I love her for who she is, but I want her to be in great health.

I am a very straightforward person and have told her in ways she didn't respond well to. She becomes defensive. How do you tell a woman she should exercise without offending her? -- FIT IN AKRON, OHIO

DEAR FIT: Talk to her about the couples you encounter who exercise together. Tell her how much it would mean to you if you could share the activity together. If your form of exercise isn't one that works for her, then find something you can agree on to do together.

If that doesn't help, then you'll have to accept her for who she is -- a confirmed couch potato.

DEAR ABBY: I live in Japan and love your column. It is informative and helps me stay in touch with America. But I need to get something off my chest.

I am beyond tired of the number of women I read about in your column who refer to their wedding day as "my special day." News flash, ladies: You should be using the term "our special day"! If you're so focused on your dress and hair and any faux pas -- real or imagined -- your guests may commit that you lose focus on the life you and your husband are beginning, perhaps you should buy a pet rather than get married.

Any person who has stayed married for more than a few years knows the marriage ceremony is the easy part. The self-absorption that permeates today's wedding scene ranges from embarrassing to sickening. -- ROB IN TOMAKOMAI

DEAR ROB: Weddings (and funerals) can bring out the worst in people because they are times when emotion sometimes trumps common sense. The majority of American brides are gracious, polite, loving and hardworking. They are also prepared for the realities that come after the fairy tale wedding. (And if they're not, I hear from them!) Please don't judge all American brides by the ones you read about in my column. The weddings that go smoothly I don't hear about.

DEAR ABBY: I recently met a man I love dearly, but I don't agree with the toys he buys for his 10-year-old son, "Dale." The boy plays violent video games and is obsessed with guns to the point that we can't leave the house without him bringing a toy gun along. The video games he plays (unsupervised) are violent and gory and rated M (17 and over).

Dale is not mature for his age. In fact, he often whines when he doesn't get his way. He's allowed on the Internet without supervision, and I have walked in and caught him surfing naughty pictures. When I told his dad, he laughed and said, "Boys will be boys!"

Abby, I'm afraid for my 6-year-old daughter. A few weeks ago, Dale decided he wanted to play "good guys/bad guys" with her. When he grabbed my daughter in a choke hold and held a toy gun to her head, she became hysterical. I have since had nightmares that Dale will find a real gun, think it's one of his play guns and shoot my daughter.

I think Dale's obsession is unhealthy, and I don't think it's healthy for my daughter to be around him. How do I handle this with my boyfriend? I love him and would like to spend the rest of my life with him, but I cannot marry him at the expense of my daughter. -- PARANOID AND PERPLEXED

DEAR PARANOID AND PERPLEXED: How did your boyfriend handle the "good guys/bad guys" incident when you brought it to his attention? The answer to that question will provide you with insight into his ability to parent his son, and what your and your daughter's future will be like if you marry him. If his reaction wasn't to your satisfaction, then you must place your child's safety above your heart's desire, and you have assessed the situation correctly.

DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced, childless, independent and financially secure woman. I live happily in my upscale apartment.

How do I respond to family members, co-workers and friends who constantly ask, "Why don't you buy a house and quit throwing your money away paying rent?"

I don't want to buy a house and be tied to a 30-year mortgage. I'm perfectly happy the way things are. What is a proper response to those questions? Saying, "I don't want to" hasn't been enough. -- HAPPY RENTER IN HOUSTON

DEAR HAPPY RENTER: The responsibilities of home ownership aren't for everyone, and many individuals have realized it as bills for plumbers, electricians, roofers, insurance and property taxes mounted up. You might mention that to the inquirers, although your response to your well-meaning friends, relatives and co-workers should have been sufficient. A way to change the subject would be to say, "Now, let's talk about something else."

DEAR ABBY: My 22-year-old son told me he had a fight with his girlfriend. Am I allowed to ask him what it was about, or if they have resolved the problem? -- CURIOUS MOM IN MONTANA

DEAR CURIOUS MOM: When your son mentioned the spat, that would have been the logical time to ask what it was about. If you start probing now -- after the fact -- it could be construed as nosiness. If he's still seeing the girlfriend, it's safe to assume the problem was resolved -- so keep your mouth shut, your eyes open and let him solve his relationship issues without involving yourself in them.

DEAR ABBY: After a bitter seven-year estrangement from his family, my husband received his grandfather's eulogy in the mail. His father sent it with a note that read, "Here's a copy of the eulogy I read at his funeral." Abby, this was how his family notified him of his grandfather's death -- two weeks after the fact. We had attempted several reconciliations with no success.

A month later, my husband died at the age of 36 -- depressed and suffering from black lung disease. His family blames me for his depression. Not a single relative of my husband's attended his memorial service despite being given three weeks' notice and my having mailed them formal invitations.

My husband left a declaration in his will that his family should never know our child, whom they abandoned at 2 months old via a letter to us and my family. I feel I have been choking on their toxic behavior and venom. Do you have any advice as we move forward with our crosses after being abused by these narcissists for more than seven years? -- SAD AND BITTER WIDOW IN TENNESSEE

DEAR SAD AND BITTER WIDOW: Yes. Put down those crosses and recognize that the anger and bitterness you feel will only poison yourself and your child. Obey your husband's wishes and raise your child in a healthy emotional environment -- as far from your husband's family as possible. Unless you do, the mistreatment to which you have been subjected will affect both your lives and you will waste what could be a happy future.

DEAR ABBY: I know some children who seem to be mature and are able to make logical decisions on a fairly regular basis. Still, making a decision under stress when one has not had a lot of experience can be difficult.

Having said that, at what age do you think it is appropriate to leave a child alone at home? Sometimes it's difficult to arrange for child care when kids are out of school. Do you have any guidelines as to what to look for that can help make this decision? -- BUSY WORKING PARENT IN KANSAS

DEAR BUSY WORKING PARENT: I don't think children should be left alone if there is any other alternative available -- after-school programs, YMCA, activities where they will have adult supervision. Too many things can go wrong, and you would never forgive yourself if one of them happened to your child.

DEAR ABBY: How does one respond to a former co-worker/acquaintance who wants you to be a reference at your current workplace? My experience with him was not ideal. He was a good worker, but he became irritable when he was under stress and drowned everyone around him in negative energy. I don't want to work with this individual again, but I prefer to be nonconfrontational. -- FORMER COLLEAGUE IN SUNNYVALE, CALIF.

DEAR FORMER COLLEAGUE: If you are asked again, tell your former co-worker you are not comfortable assuming that responsibility. Don't be defensive and don't allow the person to pressure you. And you do not have to explain why you have chosen not to give the reference.