DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I plan to be married in the coming year. It will be the second marriage for both of us. My intended has an "adult" son I'll call "Jeff," who graduated from college last year and makes good money. His father has helped him out by paying his tuition, car loan, rent, a generous allowance and various other loans that have never been repaid.

Jeff comes up short almost every month because he blows his money on vacations, clothing, electronic gadgets, etc., so he needs $500 to $1,000 to "get on his feet." If his father refuses, Jeff resorts to name-calling and emotional blackmail.

I earn a good living and have a tidy nest egg, and I'm concerned that Jeff's irresponsibility and his father's enabling will put a comfortable retirement for us in jeopardy. I feel like this is my business, too -- but I don't want to come between father and son. What's your advice? -- THRIFTY IN WYOMING

DEAR THRIFTY: Your concerns are legitimate. Your fiance is doing his son no favors by footing the bills for his irresponsible behavior. But on some level he already knows that and may be doing it because he feels guilty about the divorce from Jeff's mother.

Before marrying your fiance, discuss this with an attorney to be sure your interests will be protected. The assets you accumulated before the marriage should be kept separate, and there should be a clear understanding that any monies you earn will not benefit his son, who appears to be a bottomless pit.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I divorced several years ago because of his cocaine habit. He had been taking money from our accounts, etc.

After our divorce I met someone. It was several months before I agreed to a date. He's honest, fun, good-looking, hardworking and helps my family when he can. My problem is on our first date he told me he'd been a drug user and had spent time in prison. He said that was in the past. He got counseling, loves his new life and would not break the law again.

My children know about his past and say, "It's no big deal; it's the 21st century." We date, nothing more, but he alludes to wanting to propose. I'm afraid that when my parents and people in my small town find out about his past, they'll be shocked and I'll be shunned. I can't believe this is an issue in my life again.

Is it OK to date an ex-drug addict? Do some people beat the odds and stay clean? I'm scared that maybe I should have run away after that first date. Please advise. -- WAITING FOR THE OTHER SHOE TO DROP

DEAR WAITING: What did this man go to prison for? Was he selling drugs to support his habit? Stealing? Did he commit a violent crime?

While your children may think his past is "no big deal," it is a big deal. However, whether it's a deal-breaker is up to you. If you had thought so, it would have been over after he mentioned he'd had the same problem as your ex-husband.

Some former addicts stay clean. Others have been known to backslide. If you love this man and he maintains his sobriety, consider his proposal sometime in the future. But I see no reason for you to rush into anything -- do you?

DEAR ABBY: I am married to the most wonderful husband and father a woman could ask for. He has been diagnosed with a terminal illness and may not have long to live. Ever since I met "John" he has searched for his daughter who was given up for adoption years ago. We recently found her. It took him some time to find the courage to send her a message, and when he did she rejected him.

"Patty" met her birth mother a few years ago and decided to have contact only with her. This has caused John so much pain that I sometimes cry myself to sleep at night. Our daughters were raised knowing they have an older sister. They also know we found Patty and she doesn't want to get to know us. I don't know how to explain what's happening without them thinking they're not good enough.

My husband was raised in foster homes. He had no family, so family is the most important thing in the world to us and he could die at any moment. I don't know what I can do to ease the sadness or make his daughter see that she may not have another chance. Abby, please help. -- BLINDSIDED IN BEND, ORE.

DEAR BLINDSIDED: I'll try. Write Patty a letter and tell her that her father loves her and searched for her for many years before he was able to locate her. Tell her that he is now terminally ill and would like to see her before he dies -- and that it could be healing for both of them. Of course, it is her right to refuse.

As to what you should tell your daughters, explain that Patty's reason for not wanting to meet them may be that her birth mother has poisoned her against the paternal branch of the family, and not to take it personally. It may very well be the truth.

DEAR ABBY: My identical twin sister "Gwen" and I were close our whole lives. She married and had two children, while I stayed single. Because our lives took different directions, we have not been as close over the past couple of years because Gwen was busy raising her family.

She has recently gone through a divorce and is the primary caregiver of her children. She doesn't have a job. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her. She has threatened several times to kill herself, and she starts horrible arguments with our parents and me.

I have tried to help out and watch her kids when I could, but I have a full schedule and need to make time for my other relationships. After being threatened a couple of times, I finally stopped talking to her because I was tired of turning the other cheek to her outrageous, violent behavior.

I love my twin and miss our close relationship. I understand the stress of being an unemployed, single mother of two, but I can't continue putting up with the weekly arguments. Is there any hope we can be close again? Gwen was in counseling for a while. What can I do to help resolve things without turning into a doormat again? -- MIRROR IMAGE IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR MIRROR IMAGE: Your sister's violent outbursts and threats of suicide are indications that she is suffering from some significant emotional problems. Until and unless she gets more professional help, nothing you can do will "resolve things." The best thing you and your family can do is encourage her to get more counseling and remain close enough to her to be sure her children are safe.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 14 and I'm terrified that I won't know what to do once I'm in college and have to decide on a long-term job. I have a lot of interests, but none that would lead me toward a career. My teachers and the books I read say I should find my passion and follow it for the rest of my life. My problem is, I don't have a stand-out passion I love intensely.

I have an amazing family who would support me in any direction I choose, but I don't know what that would be. I get good grades and work hard, and I believe I could achieve anything I choose. The problem is, I don't know what I want to do.

I know I'm young, but I worry all the time about my future and being stuck in a job I hate. I'm involved in lots of activities -- student government, piano lessons, sports, service clubs and more -- and I enjoy all of them. But none of them inspire a burning passion. Do you have any suggestions on how to find my passion? -- NEEDS A DIRECTION, ATLANTA

DEAR NEEDS A DIRECTION: Yes. And the first one is to relax and quit worrying about not having found your "passion" at 14. This isn't the Middle Ages, when young people would apprentice themselves to a guild in which they would spend the rest of their lives. You are intelligent and only beginning to explore your various talents.

You may excel in several different areas, which is good, because workers no longer necessarily stay in one kind of job for a lifetime. People are usually good at the things they enjoy, so slow down. Give yourself time to see where you excel. I am positive that if you do, you'll find your passion(s) in a field you enjoy.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my husband for more than 10 years. It has been rocky over the past few years, and I recently had an affair with a married man. I have fallen madly in love with him, and every night I dream about being with him instead of with my husband. We're both in unhappy marriages and both have children.

He's worried that if he gets divorced he won't be able to see his kids as often as he wants. Should I forget him and try to fall back in love with my husband?

Everyone I talk to about this says my lover has been what I needed to recognize that I wasn't happy in my marriage and that I deserve better. I know I deserve better because I worshipped the ground my husband walked on for many years and got treated like crud. What do I do? -- DOWNTRODDEN WIFE IN OKLAHOMA.

DEAR DOWNTRODDEN: Since you're collecting advice, I don't mind throwing in my two-cents' worth.

Your lover doesn't appear eager to leave his family, so do the best thing for both of you and end the affair. As to whether you should try to fall back in love with a man who "treated you like crud," sometimes divorce can be therapeutic. And from the description you gave me of your marriage, you could benefit from seeking one and swearing off men for a while.

DEAR ABBY: Four years ago my best friend's mother lost her husband after a battle with cancer. She joined a grief support group and met a man who had lost his wife to cancer, too. Love blossomed and they will be married soon. Everyone is thrilled they have found each other.

Along with a wedding gift, would it be appropriate to make a donation to a cancer charity in memory of their deceased spouses? I would like to honor the struggle that led the couple to each other, but don't want to offend. What do you think? -- DEVOTED FRIEND IN KENTUCKY

DEAR DEVOTED FRIEND: I think you have come up with a beautiful idea that will be deeply appreciated, and you should do it.