DEAR ABBY: My dad and I raise rabbits. My friend "Zoe" has always wanted one. Recently one of our rabbits had a litter, and Zoe fell in love with one in particular. Her birthday is coming soon, and I'm thinking about giving her this rabbit as a present. I would also include several days' worth of food.

My problem is, I don't know if I would be imposing on her parents. Should I ask them first? And do you think I should also include a cage? -- KENTUCKY BUNNY-LOVER

DEAR BUNNY-LOVER: You should never give a live animal as a gift unless you're positive that the creature will be welcomed and have a good home. That's why it's important to get the approval of Zoe's parents before giving her the rabbit. Be sure the family knows everything they need to about successfully raising a rabbit, including its behavior and the space requirements for exercise. You'll be doing them -- and the bunny -- a favor if you do. If Zoe's parents approve of the gift, it would be generous to include the cage.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 14-year-old guy. I have been growing my hair out for a long time, and my bangs are now down to my nose. It looks and feels really cool.

My problem is, now that I'm in high school, adults get on my case about my hair. I can hardly go one day without some teacher yelling at me to "get your hair out of your eyes!" I flip it to the side, but they still seem annoyed.

I'm tired of hearing about it. One day, five different teachers all got mad about it. What can I say to stop people from freaking out over my hair? -- JOSH IN MICHIGAN

DEAR JOSH: Is this the only problem you're having with the teachers? Their concern may be that your hair is now so long you can no longer see the blackboard. And because they can't see your eyes, they may be unable to gauge whether you're "getting" the lesson they're trying to convey.

While you and I may think that what's inside your head is more important than what's on it, if several teachers have been commenting on your hair, it's time to do something about it.

DEAR ABBY: From time to time you have printed letters in your column from people who don't know what to do with their lives. I'm an intelligent woman in my mid-20s. I did well in high school, quickly selected a major in college, excelled there, graduated and found a job in my field. I worked for three years, and then was let go. As you can imagine, I was devastated. My plans for my life had fallen through.

That was several months ago. Since then, I have taken time to explore other options and interests. I may even head back to school, something I have wanted to do because I love to learn. I have also focused more on my social life and am in the first serious romantic relationship of my life.

To those of your readers who are unsure: Understand that life doesn't always go according to plan, but there is nothing wrong with that. -- MOVING ON IN UTAH

DEAR MOVING ON: I agree -- you are an intelligent young woman, and an emotionally healthy one as well. You have been able to recognize the positive in what many people consider a negative situation. Your letter illustrates that when one door closes, another one opens. Your attitude will serve you well in life.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Todd," and I have been together for four years. He proposed this summer and our wedding is planned for next year. I thought planning our wedding would be fun, but it has turned out to be a nightmare.

I want orange as our primary color, but now Todd is saying he "hates" the color orange, although he never mentioned it before. I tried to get him to agree to pair it with a color of his choice, but he refused.

Todd is being unreasonable and will not agree with me on the color. Since it mainly affects the bridal party, I feel it should be my decision. He says it isn't, and that he won't even wear an orange tie or anything like it. What is your opinion? -- STUCK ON THE COLOR IN GEORGIA

DEAR STUCK: This isn't just "your" wedding; it's Todd's wedding, too. If he would find standing at the altar opposite a line of bridesmaids clad in orange to be a turnoff and dislikes the color so much that he refuses to wear a tie or boutonniere that's orange -- then agree on some other color. This is only one of the many compromises that lie ahead for you, so start practicing with this one.

DEAR ABBY: Two months ago, my brother and his wife asked me to move in with them. It's beautiful here, they have a lovely home and have been extremely hospitable for the most part. The problem is they fight like cats and dogs. It gets so bad sometimes that the neighbors have to call the police.

Once a week without fail, they have a huge spat about one thing or another and argue at all hours of the day and night. They break things, curse and call each other names I wouldn't call my worst enemy. If I had known they were this unhappy, I would never have moved in.

They've been together for so long, this may just be their way of communicating, but I can't put up with the long days and sleepless nights. It's beginning to wear on my sanity.

How do I tell them I appreciate them for letting me stay, but I can no longer take the constant fighting? -- THANKS, BUT NO THANKS

DEAR T., B.N.T.: Thank them for their hospitality and for offering to share their lovely home with you, but that you will be moving to a place of your own. If they ask you why, tell them that you love them both, but the long days and sleepless nights when they argue are preventing you from getting the rest you need. It's the truth, and it probably won't be the first time they've heard it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a middle-aged woman who is Baptist by faith. I believe that when I die I will go to heaven. My problem is, if going to heaven means being reunited with my parents and other family members, then I don't want to go! The idea of spending eternity with them is more than I can stand, but I don't want to go to hell, either. Any thoughts? -- ETERNALLY CONFUSED IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR ETERNALLY CONFUSED: Yes. When you reach the pearly gates, talk this over with St. Peter. Perhaps he would be willing to place you in a different wing than the one your parents and other family members are staying in. And in the meantime, discuss this with your minister.

DEAR ABBY: It saddened me to read the letter from "Lacks the Mothering Gene" (Sept. 15). Seven months pregnant, she feels nothing for her baby, and her husband is furious with her for feeling as she does.

You told her that she should discuss this with her obstetrician, and you were sure that once the baby arrived she would fall in love with her baby. Not always, Abby. There are, in fact, many situations where mothers do not fall in love with their babies.

I have led pregnancy and postpartum support groups for 20 years, and I would have advised "Lacks" to see someone who is professionally trained in working with women who are psychologically distressed during pregnancy. Sometimes there are multiple, complex reasons why women feel negatively toward their babies, and she needs a place where she can talk about such matters.

I admire her, because in spite of her lack of feelings at this time, she's still determined to be an excellent mother. I have every confidence that with the proper support, she can be. -- WILLIAM S. MEYER, ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR, DUKE UNIVERSITY

DEAR MR. MEYER: Thank you for lending your expertise and sharing your sound advice. Responses to that letter included testimonies from women wanting "Lacks" to know she was not alone. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: My mother found herself pregnant shortly after she and my father were married. She was not happy about it, and it caused a lot of conflict. She made my life unbearable. I think "Lacks" should rethink her options.

It took years of therapy for me to realize I was not to blame for my parents' fights or for everything that was wrong. Mother was a classic narcissist, and her toxic relationship with me didn't end until after her death.

Some women should not be mothers. If they can't be, they should place the child for adoption. That way, the child will have a chance to grow and thrive in a loving environment. -- R.P. IN CARMICHAEL, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I struggled through my son's infant-through-preschool years and forced myself to give up my career to be a stay-at-home mom because I'd been told it was best for him. It was agonizing for me. I wondered if I was defective.

However, now that my son is school-age, I have discovered I am actually a great mom and love spending time with him. What I lacked as a "baby mom," I have more than made up for as a "kid mom." As such, I have returned to the workforce and have no guilt over dropping off my second child -- a toddler -- at day care.

"Lacks" will find her niche eventually, but she shouldn't beat herself up while she's looking. -- REBECCA IN FAYETTEVILLE, N.C.

DEAR ABBY: I am a birth doula who assists couples through pregnancies and birth. I don't find every client with a big belly on a pink cloud. I highly recommend a certified birth doula to help through the hard times. They can be found at www.DONA.org, the website for the international doula organization. Several doulas can be interviewed in order to find a good fit and one who understands the situation. -- BIRTH DOULA IN OREGON

DEAR ABBY: I think what "Lacks" is feeling is common. Yet we are never supposed to talk about it. A woman who feels less than jubilant about the responsibilities of motherhood is viewed as unwomanly and selfish. Some women are just not fulfilled being mothers, and there's nothing wrong with that.

I resented motherhood until I began to focus on my children as the amazing people they are. Reluctant moms should get curious about their children, or get involved with a good neighborhood baby group or a parent coach. It helps to have someone to talk to when things get rough. -- NEW MOM IN WASHINGTON