DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Todd," and I have been together for four years. He proposed this summer and our wedding is planned for next year. I thought planning our wedding would be fun, but it has turned out to be a nightmare.

I want orange as our primary color, but now Todd is saying he "hates" the color orange, although he never mentioned it before. I tried to get him to agree to pair it with a color of his choice, but he refused.

Todd is being unreasonable and will not agree with me on the color. Since it mainly affects the bridal party, I feel it should be my decision. He says it isn't, and that he won't even wear an orange tie or anything like it. What is your opinion? -- STUCK ON THE COLOR IN GEORGIA

DEAR STUCK: This isn't just "your" wedding; it's Todd's wedding, too. If he would find standing at the altar opposite a line of bridesmaids clad in orange to be a turnoff and dislikes the color so much that he refuses to wear a tie or boutonniere that's orange -- then agree on some other color. This is only one of the many compromises that lie ahead for you, so start practicing with this one.

DEAR ABBY: Two months ago, my brother and his wife asked me to move in with them. It's beautiful here, they have a lovely home and have been extremely hospitable for the most part. The problem is they fight like cats and dogs. It gets so bad sometimes that the neighbors have to call the police.

Once a week without fail, they have a huge spat about one thing or another and argue at all hours of the day and night. They break things, curse and call each other names I wouldn't call my worst enemy. If I had known they were this unhappy, I would never have moved in.

They've been together for so long, this may just be their way of communicating, but I can't put up with the long days and sleepless nights. It's beginning to wear on my sanity.

How do I tell them I appreciate them for letting me stay, but I can no longer take the constant fighting? -- THANKS, BUT NO THANKS

DEAR T., B.N.T.: Thank them for their hospitality and for offering to share their lovely home with you, but that you will be moving to a place of your own. If they ask you why, tell them that you love them both, but the long days and sleepless nights when they argue are preventing you from getting the rest you need. It's the truth, and it probably won't be the first time they've heard it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a middle-aged woman who is Baptist by faith. I believe that when I die I will go to heaven. My problem is, if going to heaven means being reunited with my parents and other family members, then I don't want to go! The idea of spending eternity with them is more than I can stand, but I don't want to go to hell, either. Any thoughts? -- ETERNALLY CONFUSED IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR ETERNALLY CONFUSED: Yes. When you reach the pearly gates, talk this over with St. Peter. Perhaps he would be willing to place you in a different wing than the one your parents and other family members are staying in. And in the meantime, discuss this with your minister.

DEAR ABBY: It saddened me to read the letter from "Lacks the Mothering Gene" (Sept. 15). Seven months pregnant, she feels nothing for her baby, and her husband is furious with her for feeling as she does.

You told her that she should discuss this with her obstetrician, and you were sure that once the baby arrived she would fall in love with her baby. Not always, Abby. There are, in fact, many situations where mothers do not fall in love with their babies.

I have led pregnancy and postpartum support groups for 20 years, and I would have advised "Lacks" to see someone who is professionally trained in working with women who are psychologically distressed during pregnancy. Sometimes there are multiple, complex reasons why women feel negatively toward their babies, and she needs a place where she can talk about such matters.

I admire her, because in spite of her lack of feelings at this time, she's still determined to be an excellent mother. I have every confidence that with the proper support, she can be. -- WILLIAM S. MEYER, ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR, DUKE UNIVERSITY

DEAR MR. MEYER: Thank you for lending your expertise and sharing your sound advice. Responses to that letter included testimonies from women wanting "Lacks" to know she was not alone. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: My mother found herself pregnant shortly after she and my father were married. She was not happy about it, and it caused a lot of conflict. She made my life unbearable. I think "Lacks" should rethink her options.

It took years of therapy for me to realize I was not to blame for my parents' fights or for everything that was wrong. Mother was a classic narcissist, and her toxic relationship with me didn't end until after her death.

Some women should not be mothers. If they can't be, they should place the child for adoption. That way, the child will have a chance to grow and thrive in a loving environment. -- R.P. IN CARMICHAEL, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I struggled through my son's infant-through-preschool years and forced myself to give up my career to be a stay-at-home mom because I'd been told it was best for him. It was agonizing for me. I wondered if I was defective.

However, now that my son is school-age, I have discovered I am actually a great mom and love spending time with him. What I lacked as a "baby mom," I have more than made up for as a "kid mom." As such, I have returned to the workforce and have no guilt over dropping off my second child -- a toddler -- at day care.

"Lacks" will find her niche eventually, but she shouldn't beat herself up while she's looking. -- REBECCA IN FAYETTEVILLE, N.C.

DEAR ABBY: I am a birth doula who assists couples through pregnancies and birth. I don't find every client with a big belly on a pink cloud. I highly recommend a certified birth doula to help through the hard times. They can be found at www.DONA.org, the website for the international doula organization. Several doulas can be interviewed in order to find a good fit and one who understands the situation. -- BIRTH DOULA IN OREGON

DEAR ABBY: I think what "Lacks" is feeling is common. Yet we are never supposed to talk about it. A woman who feels less than jubilant about the responsibilities of motherhood is viewed as unwomanly and selfish. Some women are just not fulfilled being mothers, and there's nothing wrong with that.

I resented motherhood until I began to focus on my children as the amazing people they are. Reluctant moms should get curious about their children, or get involved with a good neighborhood baby group or a parent coach. It helps to have someone to talk to when things get rough. -- NEW MOM IN WASHINGTON

DEAR ABBY: Whenever I receive a business communication from someone unknown to me with my first name in the salutation, as in "Dear Robert," it immediately goes into the trash.

Being addressed by my first name in this context is just plain wrong. Since I don't know the person who is sending the correspondence, I find the informal tone to be highly improper.

Please remind your readers -- particularly those in business -- about your booklet on correspondence and communication, "How to Write Letters for All Occasions."

I have been accused of being "old school." However, there are rules and guidelines governing written communication, and it seems as though they are being ignored. Would you please inform people about the proper way to write? And is your "Letters" booklet still available? -- CALL ME "MISTER C.," SAN JOSE, CALIF.

DEAR MISTER C.: I hope that by the time this email sees print, you will have cooled off. The communications that offend you probably were sent as part of a mass mailing generated by a computer. If that isn't the case, then the individuals who drafted them may not have realized that in business correspondence, the salutation should read:

Dear Ms. Smith

Dear Mr. Carson

The "Letters" booklet is still available and covers additional salutations that are helpful to know, including how to address a senator or congressman, a clergyperson, etc. "How to Write Letters for All Occasions" can be ordered by sending a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus a check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby -- Letters Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. My booklet also contains helpful suggestions for writing letters of congratulations; difficult topics to address such as letters of condolence for the loss of a parent, spouse or child; and thank-you letters for birthday gifts, shower gifts, wedding gifts and those that arrive at holiday time. (A tip: Keep a notepad handy and write down what immediately comes to mind when the gift is opened. This can be helpful if later you are at a loss for words!)

Judging from the high volume of email and snail mail I receive, letter composition is something that is not always effectively taught in school. My booklet can provide a helpful assist for anyone who needs a quick and easy tutorial, and it is particularly helpful for parents to use as a way to easily teach their children how to write using proper etiquette. Keep it in a drawer and dip into it as needed.

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DEAR ABBY: I am 8 years old. At the bottom of a letter, sometimes people write XOXO. Which one means hug and which one means kiss? -- ANNA IN MISSOURI

DEAR ANNA: The "X" means kiss and the "O" signifies a hug.

P.S. Some people write "SWAK" on the flap of the envelope, which stands for "sealed with a kiss."