DEAR ABBY: Sept. 11 was the 10th birthday of our neighbors' little girl, "Megan." At church that day there was a lovely memorial prayer for the victims of 9/11, but no mention of Megan's birthday among the other special occasions of the week.

Megan's family went to the cemetery, put flowers on the memorial there and then went home. There was no party or cake for Megan. When I took over a card and a small gift, her mom thanked me but said the day was too sad for Megan to celebrate her birthday. She said they had never done so, not even on an alternate date.

I don't know this family very well. They're new to the neighborhood. But I was flabbergasted that they would act this way. When I asked about the birthdays of the other family members, I was told that since none of them fall on a "bad day" they are celebrated with parties, gifts and everything. Megan was allowed to accept my gift and thanked me, but her mom made it clear this was to be an exception to the rule. Abby, what gives? -- COMPLETELY BAFFLED IN WYOMING

DEAR COMPLETELY BAFFLED: I have no idea. That family's behavior is bizarre. What could possibly be gained by punishing a child for being born on a particular day? What you have described isn't respect for a day that was tragic for our country; it is cruelty to an innocent child.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I disagree about what we should do on our date nights away from our daughters. She's nine years younger than I am.

I don't feel comfortable going to dance clubs. I don't like crowds, fighting to get the bartender's attention for a drink or dancing with 25-year-olds.

I'd prefer listening to live music, staying home and enjoying an empty house or going somewhere quiet for dinner. My wife thinks what I like is "boring" and this is creating issues in our marriage.

I want her to be happy and for both of us to enjoy each other's company. We're having a difficult time finding a compromise. I feel like I'll never live up to her standards of what's fun and entertaining. Any suggestions? -- DATE NIGHT DILEMMA IN CHICAGO

DEAR DILEMMA: Yes, two of them. The first is to take turns choosing what you'll do on your date nights, so that you both have some of what you want. The second is to find some new activities you can enjoy as a couple. Shared interests will help you grow together.

DEAR ABBY: A woman at work is having a baby. I didn't get around to contributing to her group gift. I also didn't sign the card or mention my omission at the time of the baby shower.

A few days later I received a thank-you note. The mother-to-be obviously assumed I contributed. Money is extremely tight right now. Saving the $20 I was going to spend will help my budget. I don't think anyone picked up on my faux pas. Should I keep quiet? -- CONFLICTED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR CONFLICTED: You didn't commit a faux pas; you chose to abstain. I see no reason to announce that you didn't participate in the baby gift. Not contributing because it would have caused financial strain wasn't a breach of etiquette; it was prudent. If your name wasn't on the gift card, you misled no one.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a widow who never thought I'd consider marrying again until I met "Lester" online two years ago. Being with him makes me feel like a teenager. He holds my hand when we go for walks, brings me flowers and is a wonderful lover.

My problem is he's taking care of his sister, "Gerda," who has cancer. He said she doesn't want him seeing anyone until she's dead. (He stands to inherit her fortune and doesn't want to take a chance on losing the money.) I told him we don't need the money, but he says he has put up with her bad moods for too long to lose it now.

My friends insist that because Lester doesn't call or email me much, Gerda is his wife, not his sister. I checked him out. Their last names are different and the house and his truck are in both their names. I'm lonely and want to be with him. I offered to help him with his sister, but he says she's also an alcoholic and doesn't want company.

I haven't heard from Lester since Gerda told him he can't have a girlfriend until she's gone. It's been two months. Should I wait, or should I start looking elsewhere as my son suggested? -- LONELY WITHOUT HIM

DEAR LONELY: Listen to your son because it appears he has good common sense. As to Lester, don't count on him because whatever Gerda is to him, it appears she has rallied and may not be going anywhere for a long, long time.

P.S. Married couples these days do not always share the same last name.

DEAR ABBY: I have hosted Thanksgiving dinner for a small group of friends for the past 20 years. My brother and sister-in-law live 400 miles away and also attend. It is the only time I get to see them.

Last week, I called my brother to invite him. He confirmed they would love to come and went on to say he feels the group should discuss our feelings about the presidential candidates. I pointed out that discussions about politics or religion seldom have happy endings and I prefer they be left at the front door.

My brother then announced that due to my decision about inappropriate subjects of conversation, he and his wife won't be coming! I'm shocked, hurt and angry. I can't stop crying. I can't sleep, and I don't know what to do. Can you help? -- SADDENED SISTER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SISTER: Dry your tears and stand your ground. That your brother would attempt to hijack your Thanksgiving celebration by injecting subjects that could make any of the guests uncomfortable is extremely rude. The coming election year is one that will determine the direction of this country, and it is already becoming emotional. Your brother has made his intentions clear. Now move forward and do not waffle.

DEAR ABBY: If family members provide significant services free for a wedding -- officiate, conduct pre-marriage counseling, perform all the musical accompaniment for a long ceremony -- is a wedding gift also expected to be given? This has been a family sore spot. Please help. -- WEDDINGS ARE OUR BUSINESS

DEAR W.A.O.B.: If family members are providing "significant services" for free, that is the gift, and it is presumptuous for anyone to expect more.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a senior in high school and I'm stressed out about the idea of driving. I took driver's ed during the summer and passed the course. Instead of being excited about taking that first step toward independence, I'm scared to death.

I know the goal of driver's ed is to learn safety precautions in driving, but I can't shake the feeling that every time I get into a car I'm risking my life. It has taken an emotional toll on me since last summer, and I wonder if I'll ever get past this fear.

I have talked to friends about driving, and my mom is investing in more driving lessons to boost my confidence. All I'm asking for is some reassurance that driving is not as horrifying as it seems to be. A little help, perhaps? -- I'D RATHER WALK IN HOUSTON

DEAR RATHER WALK: A car is only a machine. Like any machine, in the hands of someone who is careless -- or hasn't learned to use it properly -- it can be dangerous. You have successfully passed driver's ed. You will be getting more lessons so you can practice with supervision, which should make you an extra safe driver. If that doesn't give you confidence, then it's time to take your concerns to a therapist who can help you overcome your budding phobia.

DEAR ABBY: My father is 85 and has dementia. I'm having a problem with relatives who want him to sign papers for property and medical supplies he can't use. They say that Dad OK'd them over the phone. What do I do? -- WORRIED DAUGHTER IN MONTANA

DEAR WORRIED DAUGHTER: Consult an attorney, preferably one with expertise in elder law, in order to safeguard your father's assets. You may also need to contact your father's physician, who can explain to the attorney to what degree your father's dementia has progressed and whether he is competent to be signing documents. Do not put this off -- do it now.

DEAR ABBY: My father is 85 and has dementia. I'm having a problem with relatives who want him to sign papers for property and medical supplies he can't use. They say that Dad OK'd them over the phone. What do I do? -- WORRIED DAUGHTER IN MONTANA

DEAR WORRIED DAUGHTER: Consult an attorney, preferably one with expertise in elder law, in order to safeguard your father's assets. You may also need to contact your father's physician, who can explain to the attorney to what degree your father's dementia has progressed and whether he is competent to be signing documents. Do not put this off -- do it now.