DEAR ABBY: "Pregnant with Apprehension" (Sept. 9) said she's dreading the birth of her second baby because her fiance's mother wants to witness the birth. Apparently, "PWA" wants only her mother and her fiance, "Cliff," in the delivery room. You said her wishes should be paramount. I agree.

I am a labor and delivery RN in a major medical center in California. More and more people today view birth as a sporting event. It's worse when the mother-in-law wants to be there because "it's her right."

"PWA" should let Cliff know if he can't stand up to his mom, her labor nurse will! I will be the one who informs visitors that it's hospital policy that there be only two people at the bedside, and there is no bending the rule. That way, the mother-in-law can hate the nurse, but not her daughter-in-law or her son. I'll willingly take the heat for my patient if it means a better labor outcome for her and the family. -- "BECAUSE I SAID SO"

DEAR "BECAUSE": Thank you for agreeing with me. However, those who disagreed shared experiences that are worth noting. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: For "PWA" to say she doesn't want Cliff's parents to see their grandchild for two weeks is selfish, and I don't think she should demand that her fiance back her up on this. Her mother is going to be there from the moment of birth. While it's understandable she doesn't want anyone else in the delivery room, she shouldn't be surprised that his mother is hurt. His parents have a lot to offer and can be a big help to her.

Cliff needs to tell "PWA" she's being unreasonable. I wish my son had spoken up on my behalf. Being shut out of this blessed event is hurtful and causes tension. She has the right to dictate who is in the delivery room with her, but she shouldn't deny his parents their right to be a part of their grandchildren's lives. -- BLESSED TO BE A NANA

DEAR ABBY: I didn't want my in-laws in the delivery room either, but I was sensitive to the fact that they are just as much family as my parents. My solution was to have just my husband present for the birth. Blending families together used to hold a greater importance, and I feel for parents who are feeling left out of their children's lives. -- MAGGIE IN AIKEN, S.C.

DEAR ABBY: As a young mom, I almost always went to my parents for support, baby-sitting, etc. However, now that one of my sons has a baby of his own, I see the other side of the coin. It hurts not to enjoy the kind of relationship with the baby that my daughter-in-law's parents have. There must be middle ground.

While I would never invite myself into her delivery room (although it would have been nice to have been asked), or assume I could stay in their home immediately after the birth, some effort to include me should have been shown. I agree Cliff needs to explain to his parents the logistics of the situation, but in a way that still assures them they will have their special time, too. -- THE OTHER GRANDMA

DEAR ABBY: If "PWA's" mother is staying with her, she should make sure the paternal grandmother helps with new baby duties for a few days as well. The bridges that are built now will go a long way later in life. She needs to think about the long-term relationship being built for the children. Cliff needs to be a dad, not a frat boy. But both of them need to grow up. -- KAREN IN FORT COLLINS, COLO.

DEAR ABBY: Our neighbor's son, "Donny," has become a regular fixture in our home. His parents divorced years ago, and his father is terminally ill.

Donny has "adopted" me as a father figure. We have spent a great deal of time together. Not having a son -- I have daughters -- I admit that being with him is a novelty.

My wife, on the other hand, feels no one should "infiltrate" her family. There are few boys in our neighborhood, and Donny isn't old enough to venture to other streets in search of playmates. I can't bring myself to turn him away knowing how lonely he is and how difficult his life will become. I worry that he's a prime candidate for a predator, or that he could start drinking or smoking at an early age. I'd rather have him in our house where I know he's safe.

My wife says we can't save everyone, and I know that. But when I hear about the bad things that happen to kids on the news, it makes me wonder where was someone who could have helped them.

How can I get my wife to see this is a chance to make a difference in this boy's life, and that he's no threat to our family unit? -- FRIEND OF A LONELY CHILD

DEAR FRIEND: Your wife appears to be responding to Donny on an emotional rather than a rational level. Because she didn't "produce" a son, she views the time or emotional nourishment that you give Donny as something being taken away from her daughters. That's sad.

It's possible that a religious adviser could help her to view this differently, but if she can't find sympathy in her heart for the boy, then I recommend you talk to Donny's mother about finding a Big Brother for him, through her religious denomination.

DEAR ABBY: My 16-year-old son, "Victor," is hearing-impaired. He wears hearing aids in both ears. The aids are small and not easily seen.

Recently we were in a new doctor's office, and the nurse was talking to my son but looking in another direction. When I explained that Victor is hearing-impaired and couldn't hear her, she replied, "Oh, I know teenagers -- selective hearing." I said, "No, he is hearing-impaired and wears hearing aids."

The same thing happened at summer camp. My husband said Victor has a hearing problem, and the counselor responded with, "So I need to smack him on the side of his head to get him to listen?"

Please inform your readers that hearing aids aren't just for older people. My son has informed people he wears hearing aids because he can't hear well, and he still gets the same smart-alecky retorts. Have you any suggestions? -- NOT BEING FLIPPANT IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR NOT BEING FLIPPANT: Oh, yes. The nurse in your doctor's office was tactless. If she didn't apologize for her comment, you should have mentioned it to the doctor so he could educate her not only about hearing loss, but also about diplomacy. As to the ignorant camp counselor, your husband should have immediately reported it to the camp director.

After reading your letter, I consulted Dr. Rick Friedman at the House Ear Clinic in Los Angeles, who told me that approximately one in 2,000 children is born with hearing problems. (There is a genetic component, and hearing problems can run in families.) Being subjected to loud noises can also have a negative impact on hearing, and Dr. Friedman said studies are being conducted to determine to what extent.

DEAR ABBY: Over the past five years, family gatherings have become increasingly stressful. When they come here, my nieces don't control their young children. Last year after everyone left, I sat down and cried! The mess was horrific, and the damage to my house and yard was dumbfounding. What's worse is they didn't seem to care.

I'm dreading this holiday season. I have refused to host anymore and my husband supports my decision. But I feel bad for my parents. They are in their 70s and have always had pride in their family.

As our family has branched out, respect has gone completely out the window. Last Thanksgiving we were all on our own. We always invite my parents, but they decline because they don't want to hurt any feelings. We have told them it doesn't matter who they're with, as long as they celebrate with one of us.

I feel like I'm being punished for not having the whole family at my house. If it weren't for my daughter, we would leave during the holidays to avoid the dissension. How do I deal with my feelings and live with myself? I don't understand the disrespect in the young generation. If you say anything about a child's behavior, you are verbally abused and made an outcast. -- GIVING UP IN TEXAS

DEAR GIVING UP: I'm glad you wrote, because you're blaming the wrong people. The disrespect you have described is a direct result of children not having been taught how to behave by their ineffective parents, and because there have been no consequences for bad behavior.

If you are asked why there will be no celebrations at your house this year, tell the questioner it's because you can no longer handle the mess and the damage. It's the truth. And PLEASE don't feel guilty for doing so.

As to your parents, please understand that staying home is THEIR choice. They may prefer to celebrate -- or not -- by themselves. It has no reflection on you.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 43-year-old single mom of 16-month-old twins and in the midst of a career change. I will be entering the legal profession. Some people have told me that courts and lawyers tend to be "conservative" and may frown on single mothers.

My question is, should I wear a ring on my left hand without saying anything about my marital status? Of course, if asked directly, I will say I am not married. But would simply wearing a ring on the third finger of my left hand (perhaps my boys' birthstone?) be considered disingenuous or dishonest? -- PUT A RING ON IT? IN NEBRASKA

DEAR PUT A RING ON IT?: Because of advances in the field of reproductive medicine, women both married and single have been able to safely have children at later ages. However, one of the interesting things about motherhood is that no one can tell by looking who is -- or isn't -- one. Unless you walk into court and announce that you are a single mother, your personal life should not be a distraction to anyone, whether the person is conservative or liberal. There is no disgrace in being a single parent if you can afford to feed and educate the children you have, so stop worrying you'll be labeled with a scarlet letter.

P.S. I see no reason to "put a ring on it" if it's a lie.