DEAR ABBY: I am a 38-year-old mom and have been single for the last 10 years. I live alone with my 11-year-old daughter and support us without assistance. I work full-time and rely on my mother to take my daughter to school and pick her up while I'm at work.

Because of this, anytime I try to have any kind of relationship with a man, my mother turns against me. She acts like I no longer exist as long as I try to have a love life. Please give me some advice on what to do. -- MISSING SOMETHING IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR MISSING SOMETHING: I'll try. It is time to become less emotionally dependent on your mother. At age 38, you do not need her blessing to date, and you should make that fact clear to her. If she punishes you for expecting to be treated like the adult you are, then arrange other transportation for your daughter. As long as you allow her to run your life, you will not have a life of your own.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter and I had a little disagreement the other night when I entered a restaurant holding my seven-day pill container in my hand. (I had decided to leave my bulky purse in the car.) When we sat down, I placed the container on the table next to my place setting. Doing this helps me to remember to take the pills with my meal.

My daughter said it was "tacky" to show my pills and container. I feel it wasn't tacky at all, but my way of taking care of my health. After going back and forth on this subject, I told her I would get your opinion. My husband took my daughter's side. -- LOOKING OUT FOR MY HEALTH IN ESCONDIDO, CALIF.

DEAR LOOKING: Allow me to even up the odds by taking your side. Certain medications must be taken with food, and if bringing the pill container with you ensured that you wouldn't forget to take your dose in a timely manner, then more power to you. That your daughter and your husband would criticize your manners in a case like this troubles me more than any "breach of etiquette" that might have occurred. And, by the way, what you did wasn't one.

DEAR ABBY: You sometimes publish letters regarding random acts of kindness. I know people like to share how blessed they are that others have given to them. Well, I would like to share how being the giver is a blessing as well.

My children and I eat lunch out on Saturdays. Most recently, we went to one of our favorite restaurants. As we were being seated, I noticed an elderly gentleman eating alone. He read the paper, ate his meal and kept to himself. I was struck by how alone he seemed to be. All during the lunch, I couldn't shake the feeling that I should reach out.

Finally, I gave in. I went to the counter and paid for his meal.

When the waitress brought our check to the table, she asked if we knew the man. I responded no, that we just wanted to do something nice. She then confided to me that he was a regular there, but she hadn't seen him lately because he had just lost his wife.

Abby, I was so glad I had followed my heart and reached out. I can only pray that he was as pleased by my anonymous gift as I was to give it. -- RECEIVING BY GIVING IN ILLINOIS

DEAR RECEIVING BY GIVING: I'm sure he was. Your letter illustrates the pleasure that comes when we follow the dictates of our hearts. I applaud your generous gesture.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I had to respond to the letter from "Discordant Family" (Sept. 1). I agree with you that the children should not be forced to play piano. However, let me offer an alternative. Many young pianists quit because practicing is such a solitary chore. I'd recommend finding the kids a community music program they would enjoy.

Perhaps their friends are involved with a chamber or duet group, or a music camp. Set the completion of the group project as a goal and allow them to move on (if they still want to) once they've reached that goal rather than quit on the spot.

I, too, wanted to quit piano lessons at 13, but my mother insisted I persist until age 16. Then I joined my high school's theater program as its pianist. Being part of community music-making is standard for most musicians, but it's rare for young pianists. There is an added social element. They develop other skills, and the emphasis on practice and perfection is greatly reduced when the focus shifts to working well in a group.

Since "Discordant" is so set on music for her kids, I hope she'll consider this option, but also identify the aspects of piano playing her kids dislike and attempt to reduce or remove them. Switching from classical to pop music or starting a band with their friends are other possibilities.

I'm 26 now and have made a career as a collaborative pianist for musical theater, operas, choirs and soloist accompaniment. It's given me an opportunity to travel, meet Broadway actors, play in rock bands, learn language skills -- and more! -- HAPPY PIANIST IN AUSTIN

DEAR PIANIST: Thank you for your helpful suggestions. Forcing children to do something they hate seems, to me, counterproductive when there are so many constructive, creative things they could be doing. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: Each child is unique and needs individual consideration. Because the l3-year-old wants to stop playing the piano is no reason for the 11- and 5-year-old to quit, too. How about talking it over with the piano teacher? Maybe it's time for a new approach. The teen could learn to play jazz piano or perhaps switch to a different instrument, such as the guitar. Making music part of life is a joy when it is approached in the right spirit. -- PIANO TEACHER WHO HAS SEEN AND HEARD IT ALL

DEAR ABBY: I took lessons from three teachers before I found one who inspired me and gave me music I wanted to play. My son and daughter also took lessons from him. I played piano professionally in the '60s and '70s, and my son has followed in that path. I believe it is all in finding the right teacher. What a difference it makes. -- JANET IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR ABBY: "Discordant" said she has never met anyone who was glad about having stopped piano lessons. Well, one of the happiest days of my life was when I quit. I read music and hit the keys in order, but I have no sense of timing. Practice did not make perfect, and I was prevented from applying myself to areas for which I was better suited. -- FREED FROM THE TORTURE

DEAR ABBY: The problem that mom is having is in giving her kids wiggle room. Middle-school-aged children should not be allowed to make a decision about something so important based on how they "feel." I sweetened the offer for my daughter by allowing her to practice in lieu of doing some household chores. It worked like a charm. Now, at 21, she loves music, plays when she can and intends to return to it after college. -- STAND FIRM! IN MONTANA

DEAR ABBY: I was forced to take piano lessons. At age 13, I begged to quit. My parents made a compromise. Lessons only during the school year, summers off. After a poor start, I began to enjoy the lessons, ended up studying piano for 18 years and turned pro. -- PEGGY IN LAS VEGAS

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 15-year-old girl who has never been in trouble, but my mom treats me like I'm a criminal. She makes me go to church every Sunday. She makes me go to Catholic school, and I have to wear an ugly uniform. She won't help with my homework. She says, "I already did 10th grade." I can't wear halter tops, short shorts, a bikini or much makeup. If I tell her it's the style, she says, "Modesty is always in style."

When I go out with my friends, she wants to know where I'm going, who I'll be with, what we'll be doing, when we'll be back and their phone numbers. If I have a date with a new boy, she makes him come into the house and tell her what school he goes to. Then she makes him show her his driver's license and car registration.

I can't keep my computer in my room. When I'm using it in the den, she looks over my shoulder and won't let me go to chat rooms. I have to set the table even if we don't have company and sit down and have dinner with her every night.

If I can't afford something, she tells me to save up or budget better. She won't let me drive until I can pay for my own insurance. It's not like my mom's poor. We go to Hawaii and Lake Tahoe, and we've been to Europe and on cruises. But she won't even pay for cable TV. She says it's an idiot box and I should read a book instead.

She also makes me do my own laundry and keep my room and bathroom clean. She makes me do unfair chores like clean the guest bathroom even though I never ever use it. She wants to teach me to sew and cook, but I have no interest in those things.

She makes me visit Dad every week, and if I complain about anything, she says (very calmly and quietly, which I hate more than if she'd yell), "You can always choose to live with your dad."

She told me as long as I live under her roof, I have to abide by her rules even if I'm over 18. And I have to go to college, and if I don't, I'll have to get a job and support myself.

I could go on and on. Have you ever heard of a mother so unreasonable? I'm afraid to run away, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. -- EMOTIONALLY ABUSED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR EMOTIONALLY ABUSED: Wow! Your letter should be posted on every refrigerator in the country. Rarely do I hear about a parent who tries as hard as your mother does to do a diligent job. One day you will look back and thank her.

PS. And if by chance this letter was written by your mother -- congratulations for a job well-done. I would like to nominate you for Mother of the Year.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to know who gives singers the right to change the melody of "The Star-Spangled Banner" and "America the Beautiful"? Some of them who are featured on national TV don't even get the lyrics right. Many of us would love to hear our national anthem without the additional flourishes. Isn't anything sacred anymore? These so-called singers can add their individual squealing to their own songs, but I wish they would leave Francis Scott Key's version in its original format. Am I alone on this issue? -- NOT TONE-DEAF IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR NOT TONE-DEAF: You're far from alone in feeling as you do. Our national anthem is notoriously difficult to sing, and the lyrics difficult to remember. However, performers are, to a greater or lesser extent, artists. And some artists can't resist the temptation to add their personal interpretation to the classic, which has proved embarrassing for the singer and the listeners. It proves the truth of the old saying, "Sometimes less is more."