DEAR ABBY: My 87-year-old mother recently discovered that the mausoleum site she had reserved for herself next to my father's grave -- and paid for when he died -- was occupied by my uncle's ashes and headstone. Mom had moved away 20 years ago and had not visited the cemetery in all that time.

My cousin's explanation, when confronted by my tearful mom, was that it was a "temporary solution" as the mausoleum was full at the time of my uncle's death. They were planning to move him. Apparently, it has taken 14 years for them to get around to it.

Mom had to send a notarized letter to the cemetery asking that my uncle's remains be removed. My cousins, who are wealthy and successful people, saved $800 by using my mother's prepaid site. Should Mom charge them rent? -- BEWILDERED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BEWILDERED: I don't think your mother should ask your cousins for "rent," but I do think your mother should contact the owners of the cemetery and ask what they plan to do to compensate her for her distress. Frankly, I don't understand how they could have allowed your uncle's ashes to be placed in her reserved site. The ball will then be in their court -- and if they are ethical and responsible, they may offer free opening and closing costs at the time of her death.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter "Joy" is 19. She attended a small school with about 40 other students in her grade. She never had a boyfriend -- or even a date -- until the first week of college a year ago. The boy was a high school classmate of hers. They became engaged before he went off to boot camp.

My husband and I are extremely concerned because of Joy's age and inexperience. Her fiance is OK, but we feel they are not for each other. We're positive she could find someone more compatible, but who's going to approach her with that ring on her finger? I feel my daughter has low self-esteem and is afraid she won't find anyone else. How do we make Joy see that she's too young and inexperienced to make such an important decision? -- MAMA KNOWS BETTER IN OHIO

DEAR MAMA KNOWS BETTER: You can't. As well-meaning and caring a mother as you are, if you try to tell your daughter what you have in mind you will only make her defensive. Instead, encourage her to wait until her fiance returns home and she either has her college degree or is close to it before they tie the knot. It will go a long way to making her more employable when she starts a career of her own. And if her fiance decides to make a career of the military, it will make her more employable as they are transferred from place to place.

DEAR ABBY: It's almost Halloween and parents need to teach their children that if a house does not have its porch light on, it means the resident will not be handing out candy or other treats.

There are many reasons people don't participate. Some people run out of treats early, while others simply can't afford to buy candy in the first place. These homes should not be targeted with "tricks" or vandalism. Simply skip the house with the lights off and move on to the next one that has its lights on. -- LIGHTS ON IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LIGHTS ON: Your letter is a timely one, and I'm glad you brought the subject up because what you have written is correct. Some people do not participate in Halloween for religious and other reasons, and their beliefs should be respected.

DEAR ABBY: Years ago, I placed my daughter for adoption. The circumstances that led me to make the decision were compelling. After 18 years, I was surprised and elated to hear from her. She's 23, has a child of her own and is engaged to be married. I tried to maintain communication, but she stopped corresponding.

After a period of not wanting to talk, she is now trying to get back in touch with me and her siblings. We're unsure what to think about this and questioning her motives. Does she truly want us to be involved with her and her daughter? Or is this a way to get gifts for her child and her upcoming wedding?

I would like to discuss this with her, but I'm hesitant for fear of losing her again. I always wanted a relationship with my daughter. I'm confused and afraid of being hurt again. What can I do? -- BIRTH MOM IN WISCONSIN

DEAR BIRTH MOM: By all means have a discussion with your daughter, but do it in reference to the fact that you were puzzled and hurt when she suddenly ceased communication with you. Let her explain what led to it. She may have been dealing with mixed emotions, which seems logical to me.

Because you want a relationship with her, you may have to accept that it will proceed in fits and starts -- and may not blossom the way you might wish it to. You'll know more as you get to know her better.

DEAR ABBY: My mom goes overboard with gifts for my two sons when she goes on vacation or when she shops for birthdays and Christmas. I have asked her to scale back and not buy them each a box full of stuff. I tried to be tactful, but she said they "expect" Grandma to give them stuff.

The problem is she gives them random things that hold no interest for them. My sons are always kind and thank her, but their rooms are packed full of toys, many never opened, because they have too much stuff.

When I asked Mom to just give the boys a book about the next place she visits, she became defensive. I don't know how to tell her in a way she'll understand that she's wasting her hard-earned money on gifts my children won't use or have no interest in. Can you help me? -- TOO MUCH STUFF IN IOWA

DEAR TOO MUCH: Try something like this: "Mom, you are a generous sweetheart, but you are giving them too much stuff. They're inundated! There are toys in their rooms that have never been opened because they have outgrown them. That's why this year we are donating the unopened ones to a homeless shelter. It hurts me to see you spend money on items the boys don't use -- so please, cut back on the number of gifts, and before spending your hard-earned money, ask me what they can use."

DEAR ABBY: I have become close friends with an elderly lady, "Adele." Unfortunately, I don't know her family. I care for Adele and would like to be contacted if anything ever happened to her or if she was not able to call me herself. Would it be appropriate to ask her to have her family call me if she ever has an emergency? -- SOMEONE WHO CARES, ANDOVER, MINN.

DEAR SOMEONE: Yes, it would, and I'm sure Adele would be touched if you suggested it.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband recently asked how I would feel about him buying a plane ticket for his brother "Jake" to visit us and his parents over the holidays. I told him I wouldn't like it -- not because my husband would be paying for the ticket, but because Jake is a registered sex offender.

My husband is now upset with me, saying Jake "served his time." I understand that, but the underage girl he messed around with was his niece. My daughter is 10 and starting to develop. She's also affectionate with family. I don't want her hugging Uncle Jake.

My husband and I are now not speaking. He told me that if his family isn't welcome in our house, he will start treating my family badly. Am I wrong for not wanting Jake sleeping under the same roof as my daughter? -- PROTECTIVE MOM IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR PROTECTIVE MOM: No, you're not wrong. That your husband would try to blackmail you into allowing a registered sex offender to sleep in the same house as your adolescent daughter is deplorable. Your daughter is old enough to be told that Uncle Jake has a problem with young girls, and that if he ever makes a move on her, you want to know immediately.

It isn't like Jake did time for bank robbery. Sex offenders are usually prohibited from having contact with minors. The man has a sexual impulse disorder that shouldn't be ignored, and your husband should not allow any risk that your daughter might be molested.

DEAR ABBY: My son accidentally hit my neighbor's car with his bike. We immediately went over, told him to get an estimate, and I said I would gladly pay the cost of repair. Three days later, our neighbor came over with the estimate and I wrote him a check.

As time went on, I noticed the car wasn't fixed, so one day when I saw him outside I asked him about it. He told me his wife needed some things, so he gave her the money I had given him. He said he wasn't really that concerned about the car.

Since I gave him the money to fix the car, shouldn't he have used it for that purpose? My husband says once I gave our neighbor the money, it was his to do with as he liked. I feel I did the right thing and he took the money knowing he was never going to fix the dent. What do you think? -- TOO GOOD A NEIGHBOR IN OHIO

DEAR TOO GOOD: I don't think a person can ever be "too good" a neighbor, and I agree with your husband.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of two years, "Cash," can't fall asleep or stay asleep unless the TV is on -- any show, any channel, even infomercials. I am the opposite. The noise keeps me awake, and I have heard it's not good to have a TV in the bedroom.

We compromised by getting a remote with a timer. I can give up the 60 or 90 minutes he needs to fall asleep. But he frequently wakes up in the middle of the night and turns the TV back on, or moves to the couch to watch the TV there.

I asked Cash if he'd remove the TV from our bedroom. His response was, "Well, I guess I'll be sleeping on the couch a lot." I'd love to keep my husband in bed, but I'd also like to get some rest. Advice, Abby? -- SLEEP-DEPRIVED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SLEEP-DEPRIVED: Yes. There must be a reason for your husband's irregular sleep habits. He should discuss with his doctor the fact that he can't sleep through the night. He may have a physical problem or a sleep disorder. In order for both of you to function in your waking lives, it's important that you are well-rested.

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