DEAR ABBY: I read with interest your excellent advice to "Nowhere and Everywhere" (Aug. 17), who asked about letting family members know about her polyamorous relationship. As a counselor, nurse and consulting hypnotist in private practice, I counsel people every day in developing healthy, happy, open relationships. Polyamory and other forms of non-monogamous relationships are becoming more widely practiced and accepted, as many individuals and couples find the limits of traditional marriage do not meet their needs.

It is not realistic to expect family members to immediately accept this lifestyle if they were raised with different beliefs about sexual exclusivity in marriage. I advise couples to "test the waters" first with the most open-minded family member by bringing up the subject of a "friend" who is in an open relationship. If the relative reacts in a neutral or positive way, it may be safe to disclose the truth. Ask this person how the rest of the family might respond to the news. Couples should carefully assess whether their relationship is strong enough to withstand potential rejection.

There is a price to pay for being open, and one for staying secretive. The latter requires lying to family members and excluding one partner from family events, causing pain for everyone. (The cornerstone of polyamorous relationships is honesty.)

Families do become more accepting over time if they see that the couple's marriage is not threatened by the polyamory and that everyone seems happy. I advise couples to expect drama and disapproval at first, but to be patient and keep reaching out to family members to give them time to get used to this new situation. -- KATHY IN BERKELEY

DEAR KATHY: Thank you for writing. Responses to that controversial letter were passionate and numerous. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: In response to "N and E's" request for a tip on how to let her boyfriend's conservative family know about their illicit, immoral polyamorous relationship, my advice is to say nothing.

If she's asked directly, only then should she defer to the boyfriend to explain their unorthodox lifestyle to his parents. Why does she feel the need to flaunt her private sexual relations?

If she loves the two men, her actions will speak for themselves without having to offend the family's ingrained sensibilities. -- ON HIGHER GROUND IN SALEM, MASS.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been non-monogamously married for many years. My lover joined the household four years ago. Some members of my family welcome all three of us, some don't. One, who doesn't otherwise identify as conservative, has cut me off.

I'm sad that my happy family life offends them, but my household is my primary family unit, and I don't lie or cover it up. Different family styles work for different people. Why is this hard to grasp? -- JEAN IN PROVIDENCE

DEAR ABBY: Human sexuality expresses itself across a vast spectrum. Consenting adults can and do choose this lifestyle, but it's a no-brainer that it strikes a negative chord within our culture.

Why is it necessary to remove the last shred of illusion and comfort from those parents? They may lack the psychological flexibility to accept polyamory. They already know on some inner level what is happening. My closest friends know about my lifestyle, but I am content to not "stir the pot" by forcing it into open conversation.

We don't live in an especially tolerant society. People are slow to embrace anything different from the "norm." If that triad is happy and enjoying life, that should be all that matters. -- E.L. IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: Where will she be if she becomes pregnant? A baby would complicate a triad situation. There can be only one biological dad.

Who will play Daddy, and who the uncle? Will each of them really be OK with this then? How confused might the child be? As a mom, I feel for the parents of all involved. -- NOT SURE IF I'D WANT TO KNOW

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, my friend of more than 30 years was being married for the first time. Three days before the ceremony, "Caryn's" wedding planner emailed all the guests, saying the wedding was canceled. No explanation was given, and we were asked to "respect the bride's privacy" and refrain from contacting her.

I waited a week, then sent Caryn a note saying I was thinking about her. I had given her two shower gifts and a wedding present a month in advance.

Caryn has not returned the gifts. I didn't expect to get the lingerie back, but I did expect that the expensive tableware would be returned to me. In subsequent phone conversations -- and emails and texts -- she has never mentioned the gifts. Should I tell her I'd like my gift back or let it drop? Obviously, it's bothering me, but if you tell me I should forget about it, I will. -- DISGRUNTLED FRIEND IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FRIEND: Either Caryn doesn't have a clue about proper wedding etiquette -- that if a wedding is canceled, all unused gifts should be returned -- or her fiance skipped out and took the gifts with him. I see no reason why, after all this time, you shouldn't ask your friend if she's planning on returning the gifts. Then you'll have your answer.

DEAR ABBY: With Halloween fast approaching, my husband and I are again trying to figure out how to deal with a sticky situation. A few years ago, we took in the granddaughter of a dear friend who passed away. "Teresa" is mentally challenged and childlike at age 35.

She gets excited on holidays just like a youngster does. We usually stay home and observe the holidays without incident, but Halloween is different, because Teresa wants to go trick-or-treating and expects candy from people who may not understand.

We've tried in the past to suggest a party at church, but Teresa expects to collect goodies throughout the entire neighborhood, where we don't know everyone. People can be cruel and have made rude comments about Teresa's age and size. (She weighs 300 pounds.)

Is there anything we can do to help strangers understand? Can you think of something else exciting we can do that might interest Teresa and lessen her desire to go trick-or-treating? -- SPOOKED FOR HALLOWEEN

DEAR SPOOKED: Teresa should not go trick-or-treating unescorted, and then, only to households where the residents know her or have been alerted to her condition, which should eliminate insensitive comments. If that doesn't work, then perhaps Teresa might enjoy handing out candy to trick-or-treaters who come to your door and celebrating the holiday that way.

DEAR ABBY: I loaned a friend a significant amount of money, with the understanding that he would pay me a small amount every week for a year until it was repaid. For the most part he has been making the payments, but he has missed a few.

In the past, I have always given him a gift of $50 for his birthday and on Christmas. Would it be cheesy on my part to deduct the amount from what he owes me rather than give him cash on these occasions? -- DOIN' THE MATH IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR DOIN': While I see your point, you're mixing apples and oranges. A loan is a loan, and a gift is a gift. Your chances of being repaid will be better if you don't mix the two.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I work as a waitress although I have a college degree. I am happy with my life. I'm unattached, childless and take three or four vacations every year.

A couple of years ago I started waiting on "Tom" at the restaurant where I work. As time went on, we became friendly. Tom is in his 70s, and I am in my early 40s. Last year at Christmas he gave me some nice costume jewelry and asked if I'd have dinner with him sometime.

I was touched and saw no harm in it. We had dinner a few times and went to a couple of movies. Soon after, he started acting as if we were a "couple" and I began declining his dinner invitations. A family emergency came up and I was able to remove myself from the situation for a couple of months. I thought it would cool him off.

For my birthday last month, Tom presented me with a jewelry box and a bracelet with my birthstone. He was angry because I wouldn't go out to dinner and because I went on vacation for 10 days the following week. I'm having a difficult time letting him know I'm not interested because I know he's a lonely old man. I don't want any more gifts from him.

What on earth is Tom thinking? He's my father's age. Do you know what they call a middle-aged woman who hooks up with an old man? A nurse! How can I stop Tom's attentions without being rude or hurting his feelings? -- REALLY NOT MY TYPE

DEAR REALLY: You may not be able to manage that. You and I both know what he is thinking, and his intentions are not "fatherly." In fact, because you accepted his gifts and his dinner invitations, he thinks you have a relationship and he has become possessive.

Return his gifts with a short note explaining that you did not understand when he gave them to you that you were being courted. Tell him you like him and always will, but not in the way he would like you to, and that you hope he will find someone who can reciprocate his feelings. And do not be surprised if he takes his business to some other restaurant.

DEAR ABBY: We recently moved to a small town. Our neighbors came over to introduce themselves, and we adore them already. The husband speaks with a stutter. This doesn't bother me, but I want to be sure that I'm being respectful to him when he's trying to get a word out. Is it preferable to wait him out, or would it help if I "suggest" the word I think he might say? -- UNCERTAIN IN IOWA

DEAR UNCERTAIN: Although you mean well, the respectful way to handle it is to let the man speak for himself -- even if it takes a little longer.

DEAR ABBY: Today, after an absence of many years, I met a former employee. He looked the same as he did, except he had no hair. He said he felt fine but -- could it be cancer? Chemotherapy? Should one comment? I ignored it and we exchanged small talk going back several decades. Would it have been proper to ask about his baldness? -- CURIOUS IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR CURIOUS: The questions, "How are you?" and "How have you been?" are a part of normal discourse. If his response was he is "fine," then that's an indication that he didn't want to discuss his changed appearance. He could be in treatment for cancer. He could also have an immune disorder that caused him to lose his hair. Because he didn't volunteer more information, you were right not to question him.