DEAR ABBY: I work as a waitress although I have a college degree. I am happy with my life. I'm unattached, childless and take three or four vacations every year.

A couple of years ago I started waiting on "Tom" at the restaurant where I work. As time went on, we became friendly. Tom is in his 70s, and I am in my early 40s. Last year at Christmas he gave me some nice costume jewelry and asked if I'd have dinner with him sometime.

I was touched and saw no harm in it. We had dinner a few times and went to a couple of movies. Soon after, he started acting as if we were a "couple" and I began declining his dinner invitations. A family emergency came up and I was able to remove myself from the situation for a couple of months. I thought it would cool him off.

For my birthday last month, Tom presented me with a jewelry box and a bracelet with my birthstone. He was angry because I wouldn't go out to dinner and because I went on vacation for 10 days the following week. I'm having a difficult time letting him know I'm not interested because I know he's a lonely old man. I don't want any more gifts from him.

What on earth is Tom thinking? He's my father's age. Do you know what they call a middle-aged woman who hooks up with an old man? A nurse! How can I stop Tom's attentions without being rude or hurting his feelings? -- REALLY NOT MY TYPE

DEAR REALLY: You may not be able to manage that. You and I both know what he is thinking, and his intentions are not "fatherly." In fact, because you accepted his gifts and his dinner invitations, he thinks you have a relationship and he has become possessive.

Return his gifts with a short note explaining that you did not understand when he gave them to you that you were being courted. Tell him you like him and always will, but not in the way he would like you to, and that you hope he will find someone who can reciprocate his feelings. And do not be surprised if he takes his business to some other restaurant.

DEAR ABBY: We recently moved to a small town. Our neighbors came over to introduce themselves, and we adore them already. The husband speaks with a stutter. This doesn't bother me, but I want to be sure that I'm being respectful to him when he's trying to get a word out. Is it preferable to wait him out, or would it help if I "suggest" the word I think he might say? -- UNCERTAIN IN IOWA

DEAR UNCERTAIN: Although you mean well, the respectful way to handle it is to let the man speak for himself -- even if it takes a little longer.

DEAR ABBY: Today, after an absence of many years, I met a former employee. He looked the same as he did, except he had no hair. He said he felt fine but -- could it be cancer? Chemotherapy? Should one comment? I ignored it and we exchanged small talk going back several decades. Would it have been proper to ask about his baldness? -- CURIOUS IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR CURIOUS: The questions, "How are you?" and "How have you been?" are a part of normal discourse. If his response was he is "fine," then that's an indication that he didn't want to discuss his changed appearance. He could be in treatment for cancer. He could also have an immune disorder that caused him to lose his hair. Because he didn't volunteer more information, you were right not to question him.

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my early 20s. I have an uncle in his late 30s who keeps asking me invasive questions about my relationship status. Every time I see "Uncle Roger" at family gatherings he asks if I have a boyfriend yet, why I'm not seeing anyone or what I'm doing single. He assumes it's because I don't want to put up with the boyfriend drama.

Uncle Roger makes me feel bad about not being interested in a relationship or dating at the moment. I have told him to back off, without success. He just laughs it off and then the questions continue. Yet, this man has never been in any stable relationship himself.

Is there something wrong with me because I haven't met the right person? Am I supposed to force relationships to happen? What can I say to Uncle Roger to make him stop? -- BEYOND ANNOYED IN OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR BEYOND ANNOYED: Uncle Roger may think he's being funny by relentlessly asking why you're not involved with anyone. Because you have asked him to stop and he presses on, you have two choices: Avoid and ignore him, or turn the tables.

When he asks you about your love life, instead of becoming defensive, answer his question with a question: "Why aren't you involved with anyone, Uncle Roger? Why are you still single at your age? Can't you find anyone who'll say yes?" And be sure to laugh right back at him. As long as you let him know he's getting to you, he will continue. Sometimes the best defense is a strong offense.

DEAR ABBY: My dad died recently. He and Mom were married 60 years. Apparently, Mom hid her anger at him well, because she now says she couldn't stand him.

None of us kids can bring up any stories or memories about Dad because Mom will say things like, "He was a narcissist," or "He was no fun," etc. We remember him as a great provider and a decent, beloved person.

Do you have any suggestions on how we can approach the subject with my mother? It's so hurtful that we can't talk about our father anymore now that she feels "free" and happy. -- MISSING OUR DAD

DEAR MISSING: Yes. Tell your mother that you and your siblings prefer to remember your father as the decent, beloved, great provider he was to all of you. Tell her that you're glad she's "free" and "happy," but the comments she's making are unwelcome. And if she continues to make them, walk away or share your loving memories of your father when she's not present.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 27-year-old single woman. I have been hanging out with a guy ("Connor") for a few months. I enjoy his company, but I don't have more than platonic feelings for him.

I'm reading a book that says women my age are too picky and need to compromise. My question is, how long should I wait until I feel something more or that compromising just won't work with this one?

Am I too picky or do I need to realize I won't be feeling anything more? -- SINGLE AND CONFUSED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR CONFUSED: If you have nothing more than platonic feelings for Connor after seeing him for a few months, those feelings are not likely to change because the chemistry just isn't there. What you need to do is be more selective about the authors whose books you choose, because someone who would advise women sight unseen that they're "too picky" is speaking in dangerous generalities. Caveat emptor.

DEAR ABBY: My preteen daughter, "Avery," has started developing a more mature figure. She recently told me privately that one night while I was in class, her father smacked her on the bottom and started playing with the back pockets on her jeans. It made her very uncomfortable. When Avery asked him to stop, he told her that she's his "baby girl" and he could smack her "cute little butt" if he wants to.

I think my husband truly believed it was OK and didn't mean (at least consciously) to touch her inappropriately. But if it bothered Avery, it can't continue.

I'm afraid I'll overreact if I try to discuss this with him. I was sexually abused by a relative when I was a young teenager. This relative also said that because he was related to me he could touch me in whatever way he wanted. To further complicate matters, my husband refuses me in bed.

If there's trouble brewing, I want to stop it now, but I don't want to come off as a freaked-out, paranoid former victim seeing abuse where it may be total innocence. Any suggestions? -- UNEASY IN INDIANA

DEAR UNEASY: Yes. Listen to your gut. Tell your daughter you're glad she told you what happened, and you want her to come to you anytime anyone makes her feel uncomfortable. No one has the right to touch her if she doesn't want to be. And because what her father did made her uncomfortable, her "cute little butt" is off limits.

If your husband gives you an argument, insist on professional counseling for the two of you. He may be slow to realize that his little girl is growing up and the rules have changed. A licensed counselor will not come off as a "freaked-out, paranoid former victim" and can help him to understand that his behavior should not be repeated. And while you're at it, raise the issue of your sex life so you will have a clearer understanding of why it is the way it is.

DEAR ABBY: Because ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) affects so many people, my letter may interest many of your readers. An estimated 4.4 million children between the ages of 4 and 17 have this diagnosis. Half of them receive some form of medication for it.

This disorder is also present in adults. According to an April 2006 study funded by the National Institute of Mental Health, an estimated 4.4 percent of adults 18 to 44 experience some symptoms from it.

Thanks to ongoing research and improved treatment, adults with ADHD can live more successful lives. The largest study on childhood ADHD also shows effective treatments are available.

CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder), the largest family-based organization advocating for people with the disorder, provides information, advocacy and support. Our website (CHADD.org) and publications contain science-based information. It includes available parent and teacher training programs as well as support groups in 200 locations.

Thank you for printing this and the advice and wisdom you have shared so consistently over the years. -- MARIE S. PAXSON, PAST PRESIDENT, CHADD ORGANIZATION

DEAR MARIE: I'm pleased to spread the word that effective treatment for ADHD -- which can be inherited -- is becoming more accessible to families affected by it. Treatment for this disorder includes parent training, behavioral intervention, educational adaptations, parent-child education on ADHD and medication. If a child you know has been diagnosed with this disorder, CHADD can be a helpful resource.