DEAR ABBY: My mother's family has never been close-knit, but what they did to her was despicable. My grandmother died recently, and not one person in the family called Mom to notify her. We saw it in our local paper.

No funeral details were mentioned, so we called the mortuary repeatedly only to be told arrangements were "still pending." Mother tried to contact her sister, but got no response. She called her brother four times. He told her the same thing -- the arrangements were pending.

Two days later, Mom heard from another relative that her mother had been buried in a private ceremony with only immediate family. Mother called her brother again, and was told it wasn't true -- the arrangements were still pending.

The next day, Mom and I went to the cemetery to see if the rumor was true. Imagine our sadness when we found my grandmother's grave. Mom was heartbroken that she wasn't able to pay her respects to her own mother.

We went to my uncle to break the news to him, thinking he didn't know, and were shocked when he admitted he had known all along about the arrangements, but that Mother's older sister had instructed him to share no information with Mother. He said his "hands were tied" because she made him promise not to divulge any details to us.

Abby, please tell your readers that no matter how dysfunctional family ties may be, everyone should be able to pay last respects to their own parent. And funeral homes should have the decency to tell callers that funeral arrangements are private rather than lying about it. -- BRENDA IN TEXAS

DEAR BRENDA: My deepest sympathy to you and your mother for your loss. Regardless of what caused the falling out with her siblings, their behavior was brutal and allowed her no closure. They have made it plain that she should keep her distance, and for her own sake I hope she will. It is obvious who "runs" that family, and further contact will cause your mother only more pain and frustration. Sometimes people have to build their own family, and that's what I recommend you do.

DEAR ABBY: At 78, my dad has given up on life. After a bout with cancer in his 50s, he has gone downhill with severe depression, sleep apnea, heart issues, etc. Dad sleeps about 20 hours a day, and refuses to do anything to improve his quality of life.

My mom is a vibrant woman of 70 who enjoys excellent health. She has many years ahead of her, but her quality of life has diminished because of my father. We encourage her to find some kind of life outside the home through friends, women's groups, church groups, etc., but she's reluctant to leave Dad. She's a youthful person who is, basically, living with a corpse.

I love my father, but his refusal to do anything to make his life better (treat his sleep apnea, get some exercise, take his meds properly) makes me realize he won't change. I hate that two lives are being destroyed because of Dad's choices. How can I make Mom see her life could be better? -- TROUBLED SON IN ILLINOIS

DEAR TROUBLED SON: You and your mom should schedule an appointment with your father's physician to discuss everything you have disclosed to me. His doctor needs to know he sleeps 20 hours a day and isn't compliant in taking his meds. And you need to find out whether your father's condition is improvable at this point, because you may be judging him too harshly.

While your mother's life might improve if she got out more, it's possible that if she took the time away from your dad she would feel too guilty to get the most out of it. If there are family members or friends who would stay with him while she went out, she might be more receptive. Remember, you can always suggest, but don't push.

DEAR ABBY: Our dearest friends' marriage fell apart four years ago. No one had a clue they were having problems, and we were devastated. We were like family and did everything together. Our oldest children grew up as "siblings" and still remain the closest of friends. "Dorothy" remains deeply in love with "Dan."

Dan has just announced he's being remarried. We have remained close to Dorothy (we're still neighbors), but we are also friendly with Dan. Dorothy doesn't know we're on good terms with her ex, nor is she aware that he has invited us to his wedding.

Dan was never mean to her; he gave her everything in the divorce and continues to be a devoted father to their children. An added note: His children appear to like the new woman in their father's life.

Dorothy just heard about the wedding and doesn't think any of her friends should go. We love them both and feel torn. Dorothy is in counseling and I'm hoping it will help her move on.

I don't want to hurt my friend, but I also want to be supportive of Dan. Do you think we should attend? -- CONFLICTED IN NEW YORK

DEAR CONFLICTED: When Dorothy's children attend their father's wedding, it will be only a short time before Dorothy finds out who was there. While your reason for wanting to attend is perfectly logical, Dorothy isn't thinking rationally and will probably feel abandoned all over again.

If you're willing to put up with the drama that's sure to follow, attend the wedding -- and here's how the rest of the scenario will play out: You will continue to be friendly with Dan and his new wife and socialize with them -- and Dorothy will cut herself off and feel even more isolated, alone and angry. You have described someone who needs the counseling she's receiving, and I sincerely hope it works for her.

DEAR ABBY: Every weekend when I do laundry -- a chore I hate -- my husband has left paper, coins, cigarette lighters, etc. in the pockets of his clothing. Sometimes the items end up getting destroyed in the washing machine. Then he gets upset with me because more than once important papers have been ruined.

He says that since I'm doing the laundry I should check the pockets and remove all items before washing the clothes. I say that because I take the time to do the laundry, he should remove the items himself. Abby, who is right? -- POCKETS FULL OF TROUBLE

DEAR POCKETS: You're both right. He should check his pockets before putting his clothes into the hamper, and you should make sure there's nothing in them before putting them into the machine. And because marriage is a partnership, how about sharing the chore of doing the laundry by alternating each week (or month)?

DEAR ABBY: Could you settle a driving disagreement I'm having with my girlfriend? When you are in traffic behind someone who has stopped and is turning left, should you also put on your turn signal to let the drivers behind you know someone is turning? I say no because you are not the one who is turning. My girlfriend says yes, so people know why the traffic has stopped. -- NOT THE ONE TURNING

DEAR NOT THE ONE: Your girlfriend is well-meaning, but mistaken. You should use your turn indicator when you are making a left turn. It is not up to you -- or your girlfriend -- to let people know why someone up ahead has stopped, nor are you expected to.

DEAR ABBY: When my son "Lyle" told my husband and me that his wife, "Becky," was leaving him and taking their kids where he would not be able to see them, we were shocked. Lyle consulted an attorney, filed for divorce that day, and got a restraining order to keep Becky from running off with the kids.

We begged them to go to counseling. As things progressed, Lyle learned about several of Becky's affairs, her drug use and her chronic lying, and told us every awful, shocking detail. He also made sure our entire family knew about his lying, cheating, conniving wife. As talk began to circulate around our family, my husband told Lyle he knew from the beginning that all the things he had been told about Becky were true.

Well, today my son announced to us that he and Becky are back together! We are stunned. Abby, please warn people who are considering divorce to keep their mouths shut, because spreading dirt helps no one and can cause real problems later. Any advice on how to deal with this mess now? -- WISH WE WERE NEVER TOLD

DEAR WISH: While I'm not a doctor, I am prescribing a healthy dose of collective amnesia for your family. It's the only way you'll be able to look Becky in the eye. Your son was lining up allies when he trashed her. Whether or not what he said about her was true or exaggerated, no one will regard her -- or him -- quite the way they did. What a shame.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, "Bernice," hasn't spoken to me since her son and I were married four years ago. We got along well prior to the wedding, but because I didn't let her make major decisions in the wedding she stopped speaking to me. I have done everything I can to mend our relationship -- sent her letters of apology, birthday gifts, etc. -- still no response.

My husband is in the middle. I have really had it with Bernice and don't want to try to mend fences with her any longer, but my husband is very close to his mom and wants me to keep trying. What can I do? Please help. -- DAUGHTER-IN-LAW DILEMMA

DEAR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW: Your husband isn't in the middle. His mother has been trying to push you out in left field for four years, and he is unwilling to put his foot down and stop her.

If you're smart, you will take the high road and continue with the gifts on special occasions. With luck, she'll continue to ignore them and you won't have to tolerate her. A mother-in-law who carries a grudge and thinks her "suggestions" are ironclad is a bona fide burden. Be glad you don't have to suffer her presence, and keep your fingers crossed.