DEAR ABBY: Our dearest friends' marriage fell apart four years ago. No one had a clue they were having problems, and we were devastated. We were like family and did everything together. Our oldest children grew up as "siblings" and still remain the closest of friends. "Dorothy" remains deeply in love with "Dan."

Dan has just announced he's being remarried. We have remained close to Dorothy (we're still neighbors), but we are also friendly with Dan. Dorothy doesn't know we're on good terms with her ex, nor is she aware that he has invited us to his wedding.

Dan was never mean to her; he gave her everything in the divorce and continues to be a devoted father to their children. An added note: His children appear to like the new woman in their father's life.

Dorothy just heard about the wedding and doesn't think any of her friends should go. We love them both and feel torn. Dorothy is in counseling and I'm hoping it will help her move on.

I don't want to hurt my friend, but I also want to be supportive of Dan. Do you think we should attend? -- CONFLICTED IN NEW YORK

DEAR CONFLICTED: When Dorothy's children attend their father's wedding, it will be only a short time before Dorothy finds out who was there. While your reason for wanting to attend is perfectly logical, Dorothy isn't thinking rationally and will probably feel abandoned all over again.

If you're willing to put up with the drama that's sure to follow, attend the wedding -- and here's how the rest of the scenario will play out: You will continue to be friendly with Dan and his new wife and socialize with them -- and Dorothy will cut herself off and feel even more isolated, alone and angry. You have described someone who needs the counseling she's receiving, and I sincerely hope it works for her.

DEAR ABBY: Every weekend when I do laundry -- a chore I hate -- my husband has left paper, coins, cigarette lighters, etc. in the pockets of his clothing. Sometimes the items end up getting destroyed in the washing machine. Then he gets upset with me because more than once important papers have been ruined.

He says that since I'm doing the laundry I should check the pockets and remove all items before washing the clothes. I say that because I take the time to do the laundry, he should remove the items himself. Abby, who is right? -- POCKETS FULL OF TROUBLE

DEAR POCKETS: You're both right. He should check his pockets before putting his clothes into the hamper, and you should make sure there's nothing in them before putting them into the machine. And because marriage is a partnership, how about sharing the chore of doing the laundry by alternating each week (or month)?

DEAR ABBY: When my son "Lyle" told my husband and me that his wife, "Becky," was leaving him and taking their kids where he would not be able to see them, we were shocked. Lyle consulted an attorney, filed for divorce that day, and got a restraining order to keep Becky from running off with the kids.

We begged them to go to counseling. As things progressed, Lyle learned about several of Becky's affairs, her drug use and her chronic lying, and told us every awful, shocking detail. He also made sure our entire family knew about his lying, cheating, conniving wife. As talk began to circulate around our family, my husband told Lyle he knew from the beginning that all the things he had been told about Becky were true.

Well, today my son announced to us that he and Becky are back together! We are stunned. Abby, please warn people who are considering divorce to keep their mouths shut, because spreading dirt helps no one and can cause real problems later. Any advice on how to deal with this mess now? -- WISH WE WERE NEVER TOLD

DEAR WISH: While I'm not a doctor, I am prescribing a healthy dose of collective amnesia for your family. It's the only way you'll be able to look Becky in the eye. Your son was lining up allies when he trashed her. Whether or not what he said about her was true or exaggerated, no one will regard her -- or him -- quite the way they did. What a shame.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, "Bernice," hasn't spoken to me since her son and I were married four years ago. We got along well prior to the wedding, but because I didn't let her make major decisions in the wedding she stopped speaking to me. I have done everything I can to mend our relationship -- sent her letters of apology, birthday gifts, etc. -- still no response.

My husband is in the middle. I have really had it with Bernice and don't want to try to mend fences with her any longer, but my husband is very close to his mom and wants me to keep trying. What can I do? Please help. -- DAUGHTER-IN-LAW DILEMMA

DEAR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW: Your husband isn't in the middle. His mother has been trying to push you out in left field for four years, and he is unwilling to put his foot down and stop her.

If you're smart, you will take the high road and continue with the gifts on special occasions. With luck, she'll continue to ignore them and you won't have to tolerate her. A mother-in-law who carries a grudge and thinks her "suggestions" are ironclad is a bona fide burden. Be glad you don't have to suffer her presence, and keep your fingers crossed.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are the parents of three young boys -- ages 11, 8 and 3. My wife often walks around our bedroom and bathroom naked, or topless with lacy underpants. I feel it is inappropriate for her to walk around in this manner and that she should take care to cover up, especially in front of the older boys. What do you think? -- BLUSHING IN SAN JOSE, CALIF.

DEAR BLUSHING: Although families have different standards regarding nudity, I think a touch of modesty is the best policy. If your wife enjoys being nude or topless in the confines of your bedroom and bathroom, she should keep the door shut, and ask that the boys knock and ask permission before entering.

DEAR ABBY: I have two sons, 19 and 12. My younger boy has a rare form of kidney disease. His kidney function is currently normal, but his doctor says that in the future he may need a new kidney. At that point, his brother would be high on the list for compatibility and availability. I, sadly, would not.

How does one mention the possibility of being a donor to his older brother? Is it even fair to ask? If he doesn't offer, would I always resent it? Should we wait until there is a real need before asking? -- PLANNING AHEAD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR PLANNING AHEAD: All families are different, and it's a credit to yours that you're thinking ahead regarding some of the difficult aspects related to donation. This subject can sometimes be fraught with the potential for perceived coercion. It can be offset by not framing it as a "request" from one family member, but as a general family discussion about the loved one's health situation.

Among the issues that should be raised: What does it mean for your younger son to have this rare kidney disease? What's the survival rate for an adolescent who receives a living donor transplant? What is involved in the donation process?

These questions should be raised as a family in conversation with a physician or other members of the kidney care team. Family members can then talk about how they feel about the issue, not as a response to a direct question. This provides a chance for better education about the condition as well as the process, and reduces fear.

The decision to be a living donor is a voluntary one and should be entered into free of pressure. Some people may not want to take the risk -- and their rights should be respected. The evaluation process is very thorough. It's designed to minimize risk and also can uncover unexpected conditions in the potential donor that are important.

The National Kidney Foundation provides information on its website regarding this subject. Visit kidney.org to learn more.

DEAR ABBY: I share a small office space with a co-worker, "Tammy," who is going through a nasty divorce. At first I tried to be supportive and listen to her problems, but now I think it was a mistake. I now dread going to work because I know I'll have to 1isten to a litany of complaints as soon as I walk through the door.

I have tried to encourage Tammy to talk to a priest or a psychologist, but she refuses because she's embarrassed. Is it time to inform our manager? I don't want to get Tammy in trouble, but I feel I'm incapable of giving her the kind of support she seems to need. I'm not sure how much longer I can take this. Please help. -- WELL-INTENTIONED IN MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR WELL-INTENTIONED: Summon up the courage to tell Tammy that although you care about her, you can no longer listen to her problems because it's distracting you from your responsibilities at work. Explain again that these are issues she should be sharing with a trained professional. If she persists in bringing her personal problems to you, then ask your manager to put a stop to it.