DEAR ABBY: I think your response to "Outgoing Aunt in Texas" (July 16) about the shy 12-year-old girl was misguided. The aunt felt "Tammy's" parents should "make" her come to the phone and speak to her. You felt the child's behavior was rude and said perhaps her mother was covering for her.

Being shy or overly sensitive is an inborn personality trait that can be very disturbing. Forcing a shy person to do something uncomfortable may make the problem worse. Talking on the phone is one of the hardest things for a shy person because he or she can't read the other person's face or body language.

Many l2-year-olds feel awkward in social situations, particularly if they are shy. A loving family member should try to be sensitive to this and not force the child to do something he or she is not comfortable doing. It's possible that Tammy may have a hard time talking to this aunt if she asks Tammy embarrassing questions or makes comments that are hurtful. If that's the case, then Tammy's mom is doing the right thing by trying to protect her. -- SHY M.D. IN TENNESSEE

DEAR SHY M.D.: Thank you for offering another perspective. Readers who shared their experiences helped me to view this with a fresh perspective. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: Twelve-year-old daughters have a terrible fear of criticism, a fear of failure and a fear of being made fun of by adults and peers. "Outgoing Aunt" sounds heavy-handed to me. I have to wonder what she might have said in the past (or how she said it) that has made Tammy so reluctant to even be in the same room with her. Tammy's mom is right to "cover for her." -- I WAS THE SAME 12-YEAR-OLD

DEAR ABBY: It bothered me that "Outgoing Aunt" was so determined and aggressive about speaking to Tammy. Has this aunt been unkind to her in the past? I think the aunt should back off and stop demanding to speak to the child through doors and on the phone. Perhaps the girl isn't shy or rude -- just a great judge of character. -- USED TO BE A SHY NIECE

DEAR ABBY: You're correct in saying Tammy's behavior may be anxiety-based. There is a childhood anxiety disorder called Selective Mutism in which an expectation to speak can cause a child extreme panic. It results in temporary physical paralysis of the vocal cords, and can render a child unable to cry or communicate distress when severely injured.

These children can speak just fine in some situations but not in all others, which can be misunderstood as willful behavior. One of the most common situations in which a child cannot speak is with a close friend or relative.

I had SM as a child and I helped my son find successful treatment for it. Without treatment, Tammy is at a heightened risk for depression, panic attacks, agoraphobia, substance abuse and more. I now speak about this disorder to spread awareness and help others locate resources to seek treatment. -- ANN SANDER IN HOUSTON

DEAR ABBY: I am deeply in love with two wonderful women. I know I have to let one go, but I don't want to break either one's heart. Instead of "dumping" one of them, can I explain the situation to them and ask that one of them dump me? I realize I could lose them both, but I'm willing to take the chance. Please help. -- DOUBLE TROUBLE IN BLOOMINGTON, IND.

DEAR DOUBLE TROUBLE: I'll try, by courteously advising you to stiffen your spine and make a decision. If you announce to these two wonderful women that you can't choose between them, the odds are likely that they will both dump you.

DEAR ABBY: I'm going through a divorce and have decided not to begin dating until it's final. I'm doing this because I wouldn't be comfortable dating someone who is still married. I told myself I would politely explain this to any gentleman who asks me out, but no one has -- and I'm a little bothered by it. No one approaches me at all. I don't wear my ring and I consider myself to be a very attractive person.

I have had several boyfriends throughout my life, and looking back at them and my marriage, I realize that I was the first to show an interest and ask them out. I'd like it if a guy approached me and made the first move. I'm worried that when I'm ready to date it won't happen. I understand that approaching a stranger is a little unnerving, but I'm beginning to take it personally.

Please don't suggest going to activities outside the home to meet people. I work and go to school full-time, so that's not an option anytime soon. -- LOOKING FOR A DATE --IN THE FUTURE

DEAR LOOKING (BUT NOT LOOKING): If you're asking me how to get a man to ask you out so you can tell him, "No, I'm not ready," I'm sorry but I can't help you. I don't know the circumstances of your divorce, but if they were hurtful, it is not uncommon for the injured party to "become invisible" until he or she heals enough to once again send out "available and interested" vibes. You say you're not quite there yet, which may be why you're not attracting any interest.

While your schedule is so full -- unless you meet someone at school or through your job -- your love life may have to stay on hold until you can squeeze it in.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who routinely makes offhand, sarcastic remarks to me. He recently told me my story wasn't worth listening to, which makes me wonder if he's insecure or just doesn't care for my company. I feel devalued and I'm beginning to be weary of his "zingers." Sometimes I'd rather not be in his company, but my wife and I have no problem with his wife. Any suggestions? -- SICK OF THE ZINGERS IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR SICK OF THE ZINGERS: This "friend" may think he's being clever, or he may be utterly tactless. If you'd rather not be around him, follow your instincts and avoid him. His wife and yours can continue their friendship, and if the woman asks why there are no more foursomes, she should be told the truth. Once they see their social circle is shrinking, he may change his ways. And if he doesn't, you will no longer have to tolerate his rudeness.

DEAR ABBY: I was dating this guy for 5 1/2 years. It was a struggle because of all the problems I suffered through in my previous relationships. He assured me that he wasn't like the rest. I believed that we were getting back on track, slowly.

A few days ago, I received a letter in the mail from a woman telling me they had gotten married. Enclosed was a wedding picture of the two of them. The date of the wedding was on the back of the picture. I was shocked to see that the wedding had taken place while we were together. What should I do? -- HURTING HEART IN OHIO

DEAR HURTING HEART: Send her a thank-you letter, tell her you won't be seeing her husband again in this life and write him off. And one more thing: Be grateful she clued you in, because if she hadn't, you could still be wasting time with this two-timing liar.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a licensed cosmetologist with 27 years of experience. My friend "Kara" brought her 4-year-old son in for a haircut two weeks ago. "Damien" would not sit still. He kept pulling the cape over his head, so I finally removed the cape and put it in a corner. As I leaned in to cut his bangs, he spat directly in my face. I told him never to spit on me again, and that I wouldn't cut his hair until he could behave.

In the past Damien has hit me in retaliation because he was in trouble. He once tried to kick me in the head as Kara carried him past me. His parents enforce no consequences for his bad behavior. "Time-outs" consist of him violently kicking the door and throwing things around his room while screaming at the top of his lungs.

I apologized to Kara for becoming upset. It was unprofessional. She apologized for Damien, saying he was just trying to make a funny noise and be silly. I told her I'd like an apology from him, but she told me he was sorry.

In all my years, I have never encountered a kid who behaved as badly as Damien. When a child whips his head and thrashes violently, he could be seriously injured during a haircut. I carry insurance in case of injury, but I'll be darned if I allow him to be my first claim.

How should I handle this? Our friendship seems to have cooled since this incident. Please help me. -- DISRESPECTED STYLIST IN WASHINGTON

DEAR DISRESPECTED: You handled the situation with more grace than many individuals would have. You should follow through on your statement that you won't cut the boy's hair until he can behave. There are salons that cater to small children, equipped with all kinds of distractions so the process isn't intimidating or boring for them. The next time Kara calls, you should pleasantly direct her to one within a l00-mile radius that will "suit her needs." If your friendship with Kara is based upon your willingness to tolerate her child's misbehavior, you'll be lucky to be rid of her.

DEAR ABBY: I was recently on a full three-hour flight. I was assigned an aisle seat instead of a window seat where I would normally sit. When my seatmates -- a couple -- came to take their seats, they were too large to fit so they lifted the armrests to squeeze in. The man said he'd have to keep the rests up and joked that he'd hold his breath so he wouldn't spill over on me.

As the other passengers boarded, I walked back and asked the flight attendant if something could be done. She said the gate attendant could remove the couple and have them each purchase a second seat. I was mortified that they'd be paraded through the plane because of their size, so I said I'd grin and try to bear it.

Big mistake! The husband was in my seat the entire flight. I hugged the armrest in the aisle, which meant everyone who walked by bumped me. I couldn't watch the movie or recline my seat because I no longer had access to the other armrest with the controls, and it was impossible to lower my tray table because it would have rested on his arm.

Abby, it shouldn't have been my responsibility to be the bad guy and object to sharing the seat with that couple. It was unfair to me to suffer because they couldn't fit into their seats. With the expanding waistlines in this country, how do I handle this next time? -- TRISH IN LOUISIANA

DEAR TRISH: Next time, take to heart the flight attendant's suggestion because you have now learned firsthand what will happen if you ignore it.

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