DEAR ABBY: Our daughter "Bree" has just announced that she's pregnant with her third child. Her other children are 1 and 2. My wife and I are in our 60s and provide chi1d care three days a week, while the other grandma baby-sits for two days. We also pay for preschool and swimming lessons, as well as cook dinner for them on the days when we baby-sit.

Bree and her husband do not earn enough money to support even one child. We know we'll be expected to finance college for the children. When we agreed to help out, we asked them to promise they would not have more than two kids. This third one will cause us to use up our savings, increase our child care responsibilities and take us into our 80s to continue helping. Is it wrong to feel used? I am very depressed over this. -- OVERWHELMED IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR OVERWHELMED: Your depression is understandable. If you don't draw the line now by telling your daughter you can't handle baby-sitting three small children and this wasn't part of the bargain, she may hand you a fourth or fifth to take care of.

You should not sacrifice your retirement savings in order to finance your grandchildren's education. There are other options than your paying for it. The responsibilities you have assumed were not yours in the first place. If you don't insist your daughter and son-in-law stand on their own two feet, you will wind up old, broke, and living on Social Security with nothing to supplement it because your savings will be gone.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Johnny," and I have been together for four years and engaged for 16 months. Our wedding is in a few months. Until recently, Johnny didn't have access to a car. That means for the past four years I have done all the driving, including visiting him at school two hours from my home every three to four weeks.

It didn't bother me because it was out of Johnny's control; his money went to pay for his education. However, because he has a car now, I feel it's reasonable to ask that he do most -- though not all -- of the driving. We live in the same town now and our homes are a mile apart.

Johnny seems to take offense at the suggestion and acts as if I am "punishing" him. I'm not, but I'm tired of driving all the time and would like a break now that he can give me one. What do you think? -- AT THE WHEEL AGAINST MY WILL

DEAR AT THE WHEEL: Johnny has grown accustomed to, and spoiled by, the chauffeur service you have provided. That he should assume responsibility for his share of the driving now that he has a car of his own is not an onerous request.

Although you have been together four years, the two of you need to have a talk and work this out. And because you have been apart for the years he has been in school, I also recommend that you schedule premarital counseling before the wedding -- in case there are any other "differences of opinion" that need to be worked out.

DEAR ABBY: I'll be 40 this year and I'm experiencing a midlife crisis. I have been married for 19 years, but realized several months ago that I haven't been happy in years.

I want to make some changes in my life, but I'm insecure about going it alone after so many years. I have been feeling a strong need to be on my own for a while to explore my passions and options. Any advice on how to explain this to my husband? -- IN FLUX IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR IN FLUX: Before you throw away a marriage of nearly 20 years, please discuss this with a licensed therapist. Your therapist can help you decide what to do. While you may tell your husband this isn't about him -- it's about you -- he is sure to take the news very personally. And once you have separated in order to explore your passions and options, he will do the same, and it may not be possible to "go home" again.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a flight attendant for a major carrier. I encounter rude passengers every single day, as well as people (including children) with no manners. I accept that not everyone will be friendly to me. Some people are not capable of being friendly, and others may be going through personal issues and not realize they're being rude.

I have a colleague, "Joel," who can't get past this. If a passenger doesn't say "please" or "thank you," Joel will respond with, "What do you say?" or, "What's the magic word?" or a sarcastic, "You're welcome!" if a thank-you hasn't been given. I am appalled by this. While I agree that manners are important, I don't feel it's my place to educate our passengers. Joel gets his point across with a rude, condescending tone.

What's your take on this? Is Joel out of line or offering a valuable lesson? How can I voice my objection and tell him he's embarrassing his co-workers, the passengers and himself? -- ATTITUDES IN ALTITUDES, IN FLORIDA

DEAR A IN A: From my window seat it appears there may be stormy weather ahead for your co-worker. However, this is a lesson he will have to learn for himself, so stay out of it. One of these days when he asks a passenger what the "magic word" is, someone is going to give him one that can't be printed in a family newspaper. Yes, Joel is out of line, and when enough passengers complain about him to the airline, he will suffer the consequences.

DEAR ABBY: I am an accepting person who can make friends with just about anyone. Among my friends there are some who identify as homosexual. I value their friendship because they are caring, honest and funny -- traits I look for in any friend.

My grandparents -- whom I am close to -- are not so accepting. They have strict beliefs regarding homosexuality. So whenever I want to talk to them about something interesting that happened when I was with my friend and his or her partner, I'll catch myself hesitating. I want to be able to talk to them, but I feel like every time I mention a gay friend it causes tension. Is there a way I can be graceful about this without stirring up bad feelings? -- RAINBOW GIRL IN SPRINGFIELD, MASS.

DEAR RAINBOW GIRL: Yes. Ask your grandparents if they'd prefer you tell them all about your activities and whom you spend time with, or if they'd rather you remain silent about your gay friends. Explain that you sense tension when you're open with them, and ask if they'd feel better if you were selective in discussing your life, your friends and your interests. That way the choice will be theirs.

DEAR ABBY: I am a middle-aged man with an older sister who criticizes the way I sneeze. She thinks my sneezing isn't "restrained" enough. It's not a question of direction or whether I put my hand in front of my mouth or not. She believes if I don't try to stifle my sneeze I'm uncouth. In my opinion, sneezing is a natural automatic response and serves to relieve whatever causes it. What do you think? -- SOMETHING TO SNEEZE AT

DEAR SOMETHING: I agree with you. And I am not convinced that trying to stifle a sneeze is healthy because it's nature's way of expelling something from the nose that is irritating. Sneeze away, and -- God bless you!

DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to the letter you printed from "Respectful in Ohio" (July 25). I am so glad you addressed the subject of proper etiquette in cemeteries. The cemetery where my family members are buried has become a playground for the neighbors in the area. When I visit, I see people walking their dogs on and off leashes even though they are aware of the "No Dogs Allowed" signs. Children are bicycling, rollerblading and skateboarding, along with joggers and walkers.

I come to the cemetery to visit with my lost loved ones and tend to their graves. I find it disgusting and disturbing that these folks are using our sacred place for their personal pleasures. Abby, thank you so much for your wisdom on this matter. -- JEAN C. IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR JEAN: Thank you for agreeing with me. However, some readers felt differently, believing that cemeteries are for the living as well as the dead. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: You should know that there is a trend where groups of dog walkers are taking over the care of deteriorating cemeteries. In return for cleaning up, restoring and maintaining graveyards, dog walkers are given permission to walk and run their dogs there.

Some readers may find this practice disrespectful, but it has resulted in many cemeteries being restored to the beauty and dignity its occupants deserve. -- CARLA IN VIRGINIA

DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter from "Respectful," it took me back a few years. As I was mowing in the town cemetery, I went around a gravestone into some tall grass and my mower stalled. When I turned it over to see what I had hit, I found a pair of pantyhose wrapped around the blade of the mower. Apparently, cemeteries are sometimes used as a lover's lane. I agree with you about practicing good behavior in places like these. But I'll always laugh recalling what happened to me. I wonder if the lady who forgot her hose that night caught a cold. -- GROUNDSKEEPER

DEAR ABBY: I have to disagree with you and "Respectful." One needs to have a historical perspective about cemeteries and their place in our culture. Prior to the advent of public parks in the late 19th century, the only open, park-like setting in most communities was the local cemetery. People would stroll the lawns, picnic and socialize there.

Today, some cemeteries even conduct historical and nature tours. While I don't condone rowdy behavior, it's wrong to think they are simply for the dead and mourning. Many families of our fallen soldiers go to Arlington Cemetery to picnic and visit their loved ones.

Cemeteries fall into disrepair when they are not active and filled with living hikers, bikers, bird watchers, etc. Let's encourage people to visit their local cemetery. The alternative is to allow them to go to seed and disappear from our landscape. -- PATRICK H., OHIO

DEAR ABBY: Several years ago in a nearby church cemetery, a young couple and their 4-year-old were putting flowers on a relative's grave. The child got a bit antsy and climbed on a headstone. The stone was loose and tipped over onto the child and killed him. No one should let children play in a cemetery. -- JAN IN SARTELL, MINN.

DEAR ABBY: I want children to play on my grave. What could be better than spending eternity listening to the laughter of children? As for dogs, unless you are going to diaper all the pigeons, dogs are the least of my worries! -- ALANSON IN NEW JERSEY