DEAR ABBY: My new doctor has told me I'm considered morbidly obese. We discussed the yo-yoing weight problems I have had since I was a child, and she said I'd be a good candidate for gastric bypass surgery.

My husband is super-supportive of the idea and so is the rest of my family. My mother even suggested I encourage my sister -- who is even heavier than I am -- to research it. But when I mentioned it to my mother-in-law, "Evelyn," she was not thrilled.

Evelyn is the only other overweight person in the immediate family here in Maryland. I suspect that she doesn't want to be the only heavy person in the family if I have the surgery. Her husband wants to be active and do things. He does them with my husband and me because Evelyn can't. I know this upsets her.

How can I tell her that at 28, I want to do something about my weight problem now in order to live a long, healthy life? I don't want to end up like her when I'm older -- bitter about my slimmer, healthier, more active husband doing things without me. -- DYING TO BE HEALTHY

DEAR DYING: This isn't about Evelyn. It is only about you and the fact that your doctor has recommended you consider this medical procedure. If Evelyn raises the subject, remind her that this is the case. And of course, omit any reference to the idea that she might be "bitter," or that her slimmer, healthier husband is doing things without her, because it will only make her more defensive.

DEAR ABBY: My longtime friend Jim had a stroke several years ago. His wife was struggling to keep him at home while working, taking care of the house, cooking and doing other endless chores. She found it difficult even to get out of the house for a haircut. She confided to me the hurt she felt when friends never followed through on their general offers of assistance.

Our discussion led to the formation of the FOJ (Friends of Jim's) Club. Everyone in our "elite" group commits to spending two hours a month with Jim. The time slots we fill are recorded on our FOJ calendar. This time provides a needed respite for Jim's wife and an opportunity for Jim to interact with others and get out of the house. Because the time commitment is for a defined -- but not overly long -- period of time, people are more willing and able to make a commitment they know they can keep.

I encourage your readers to form similar "friends clubs." They can bring light and support to caregivers as well as to those being cared for. And this gift of love will circle back. I know because I'm a ... FRIEND OF JIM'S IN CHAMPAIGN, ILL.

DEAR FRIEND OF JIM'S: Jim and his wife are fortunate to have such a loyal and stalwart circle of friends as you and your fellow FOJ Club members. I have printed letters from time to time about random acts of kindness; yours is the most organized effort I have heard about. The gift of "self" you are giving your friend is the most precious gift one can give. And I hope it will be remembered by anyone who reads your letter.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR READERS: Today marks the 10th anniversary of the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. Please take a moment and join me in offering a prayer for those innocent individuals who lost their lives there and in the field in Pennsylvania on that horrific day. If September 11 has taught us anything, it is how strong the American people can be when we are challenged.

DEAR ABBY: How do you prevent damage in your home from children whose parents will not control them while they're visiting? I keep a box of toys and offer them to the children, but they often prefer to handle my personal objects, many of which are heirloom antiques.

One visitor allowed her child to jump on my sofa, then offered to replace a shattered ceramic bowl her son had thrown like a Frisbee. "It's not replaceable," I told her. "It belonged to my great-grandmother." Her response was that I should have put anything valuable out of reach.

It seems even the most polite suggestion to children angers their parents. My parents would never have allowed me to behave disrespectfully in someone's home. Must I show everyone the door because their children behave like animals? -- WHO'S MINDING THE MENAGERIE?

DEAR WHO'S: That's one intelligent option. Conscientious parents take the time to patiently teach their children, as yours did, that they can't touch everything they see. They also think ahead and bring toys they know the kids will enjoy in case they become bored. In cases like this, visit lazy parents only on their own turf or when they're child-free for an afternoon or evening.

DEAR ABBY: I work in an office with mostly women. My husband and I bought a new car a few months ago. Whenever the car comes up in conversation, a few of my co-workers don't hesitate to say what they don't like about it. After I was nice enough to give one of them a ride home one night, she said the "new car smell" gave her a headache.

I would never say anything negative about something like that, but these women seem to enjoy it. I wish I could come back with some smart remark, but they are in higher positions than I am and I don't want to create problems. They don't seem to care if they do, though.

What should I say next time? I tell myself I'll never offer a ride to them again. Let them walk. Am I being rude for thinking that? -- DRIVING MYSELF CRAZY

DEAR DRIVING YOURSELF: Your idea of not providing transportation to the complainers is a good one. My advice is, in the future, not to raise the subject of your new car -- which should reduce the number of comments you hear about it. It's not rude to think something -- but as your co-workers have demonstrated, it can be very insensitive to let everything you think pass your lips unedited.

DEAR ABBY: I work for a package delivery company and there is a problem that's all too common for people in my line of work. Please tell dog owners to confine their dog before opening a door to accept a package.

I have been bitten twice in the past two years by dogs that "don't bite." I have also been scared more times than I can count by dogs that have charged at me. When a customer takes the time to put their dog in another room before coming to the door, I make sure to let him or her know how much I appreciate it. It's difficult to be pleasant and professional when my heart is racing and adrenaline is raging because someone's dog is barking and running at me.

Thanks, Abby, from my fellow delivery drivers and me. -- TWICE BITTEN IN DAYTONA BEACH, FLA.

DEAR TWICE BITTEN: You're welcome. If your letter convinces the owners of aggressive dogs to confine them faster than you can spell L-A-W-S-U-I-T, then its purpose will have been served.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My dad and I have been arguing over whether I should play soccer. I don't want to because I don't like the coach, the sport or having Dad yell at me for every little mistake I make. He says I'm good at the game and that I love it -- but I don't. How do I explain it's just not for me without disappointing him? I feel terrible because I have let him down. -- RATHER BE A CHEERLEADER

DEAR RATHER: Please don't feel that by not participating in soccer you're letting your father down. Frankly, he has let you down. When a parent becomes so emotionally involved with a child's sport activity that he yells, confuses his role as an enthusiastic and supportive parent with that of the coach, and takes the joy out of the sport for the kid, this is more often than not the result. If you enjoy cheerleading, go for it and don't feel guilty. If you have the vitality and athletic ability, you'll be a star.

DEAR ABBY: I dated "Albert" -- a wonderful, caring man -- for nine months until last week when I ended it because of a false promise. When we first started dating, he offered to fly me wherever he was due to be working. His job requires a lot of travel. It never happened.

Every year around this time he's back home in California to work the harvest at his ranch. We made plans for me to fly there to see him and meet the rest of his family.

A month ago I asked what was going on with the purchase of my plane ticket. I never got an answer, so I asked again two weeks later. Albert made some excuses and said it wasn't a good idea for him to pay for my flight there. After our break-up, he admitted his brother had convinced him it wasn't right for me to fly there at Albert's expense and, if I loved him I'd find a way to pay for it myself.

I'm a single mom. Albert knows my financial status. By no means could I afford a trip at my expense. I feel Albert's family will always influence his decisions and this would affect our relationship. Was this a good reason to break up? -- STAYING PUT IN TEXAS

DEAR STAYING PUT: Please don't be so quick to blame Albert's family. He may have been "wonderful and caring," but he wasn't much of a man for not telling you that he had had a change of heart about introducing you to his family, because that's what really happened. As you said, he knows your financial status. And yes, this was a good reason to break it off because, from my point of view, you had no other choice.

DEAR ABBY: Just a quick question regarding airline flying etiquette. What would be the proper way to handle a situation where the flight attendant comes around to serve refreshments and the person next to you is napping? Would it be appropriate to give him a little nudge when the attendant gets to your row, or just order your own and let the person be skipped over? -- UP IN THE AIR IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR UP IN THE AIR: Sometimes it's better to let sleeping dogs lie, and this is one of them.