DEAR ABBY: My dad and I have been arguing over whether I should play soccer. I don't want to because I don't like the coach, the sport or having Dad yell at me for every little mistake I make. He says I'm good at the game and that I love it -- but I don't. How do I explain it's just not for me without disappointing him? I feel terrible because I have let him down. -- RATHER BE A CHEERLEADER

DEAR RATHER: Please don't feel that by not participating in soccer you're letting your father down. Frankly, he has let you down. When a parent becomes so emotionally involved with a child's sport activity that he yells, confuses his role as an enthusiastic and supportive parent with that of the coach, and takes the joy out of the sport for the kid, this is more often than not the result. If you enjoy cheerleading, go for it and don't feel guilty. If you have the vitality and athletic ability, you'll be a star.

DEAR ABBY: I dated "Albert" -- a wonderful, caring man -- for nine months until last week when I ended it because of a false promise. When we first started dating, he offered to fly me wherever he was due to be working. His job requires a lot of travel. It never happened.

Every year around this time he's back home in California to work the harvest at his ranch. We made plans for me to fly there to see him and meet the rest of his family.

A month ago I asked what was going on with the purchase of my plane ticket. I never got an answer, so I asked again two weeks later. Albert made some excuses and said it wasn't a good idea for him to pay for my flight there. After our break-up, he admitted his brother had convinced him it wasn't right for me to fly there at Albert's expense and, if I loved him I'd find a way to pay for it myself.

I'm a single mom. Albert knows my financial status. By no means could I afford a trip at my expense. I feel Albert's family will always influence his decisions and this would affect our relationship. Was this a good reason to break up? -- STAYING PUT IN TEXAS

DEAR STAYING PUT: Please don't be so quick to blame Albert's family. He may have been "wonderful and caring," but he wasn't much of a man for not telling you that he had had a change of heart about introducing you to his family, because that's what really happened. As you said, he knows your financial status. And yes, this was a good reason to break it off because, from my point of view, you had no other choice.

DEAR ABBY: Just a quick question regarding airline flying etiquette. What would be the proper way to handle a situation where the flight attendant comes around to serve refreshments and the person next to you is napping? Would it be appropriate to give him a little nudge when the attendant gets to your row, or just order your own and let the person be skipped over? -- UP IN THE AIR IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR UP IN THE AIR: Sometimes it's better to let sleeping dogs lie, and this is one of them.

DEAR ABBY: I am a confident, well-established administrative professional who has worked with an executive team most of my career.

I organized a very large company party and, because my regular caterer didn't specialize in the kind of barbecue that was needed, I took a chance on an unknown one. I had never used this caterer, but went on the recommendation of three colleagues I trust.

In the end, it was the most humiliating disaster I've ever experienced. Not only was there not enough food, but it was presented in a sloppy, unprofessional manner. No beverages arrived, so we had to do without them for the event.

I have never had anything like this happen before, and the responsibility was mine. It was embarrassing for me and the people I work with. I couldn't even show my face. I stayed in the background trying to fix things as best I could.

I can't seem to get past this. I feel like a failure. I am seriously thinking of applying for a job at another company so I can put it all behind me. I had red flags along the way, but ignored them because I trusted the individuals who recommended the caterer. What are your thoughts? -- WISH I'D GONE WITH MY GUT

DEAR WISH: You're a perfectionist, and I respect that. But before you punish yourself by throwing away a perfectly good career with your current company over one regrettable screwup, please consider that nobody bats 1000. Yes, what happened was regrettable, but it's in the past. It's possible that the recommended caterer was also having a bad day. If you need absolution, discuss this with your employer. You have learned your lesson. Now let it go.

DEAR ABBY: I'm four months pregnant with our second child and dreading the birth because of my fiance's parents. After the birth of our first child, I asked "Cliff" to allow me two weeks without overnight visitors so I could settle in with the new baby. That following weekend his parents called and said, "We're coming, and we're staying with you guys!"

My mom and Cliff were the only ones in the delivery room, and that's how I wanted it. I want it that way again this time. Cliff's mom had made it clear her feelings were hurt because she wasn't "being invited in."

Because my son will be less than 2 years old when the new baby comes, my mom will be taking vacation time to come and help me out. Is it wrong of me to tell Cliff's parents they can't come and stay that soon after the birth of the new one? Cliff and his dad act like long-lost frat guys when they see each other, and I find it irresponsible, childish and a sore spot in our relationship. -- PREGNANT WITH APPREHENSION

DEAR PREGNANT: Your problem isn't your fiance's parents. It's his inability to act like a mature adult. When his parents announced they were coming, he should have put a stop to it then and there. Because he seems unwilling to speak up, you must assume that responsibility, unless you want a repeat of the "open house" party that happened the last time.

When you give birth your wishes should be paramount. It is not performance art. Your doctor will back you up if you make your wishes clear in advance.

Cliff's mom might have been more welcome this time if she hadn't intruded after your last delivery. But, please, don't place the blame entirely on her because it's possible your fiance didn't tell her you needed peace, quiet and time to adjust when they announced they were coming.

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DEAR ABBY: May I weigh in on the letter from "Noah's Real Dad in New York" (June 27), whose adult adopted son wants to reclaim his original last name? I am an adult adoptee who searched for and found my birth family. I also joined a support group that was formed to support the adoption triad.

Research has shown that male adoptees struggle with their identity more than females do. After all, in our patriarchal society it is the male surname that most often does not get changed in marriage. Women are accustomed to the fact that they will most likely change their name.

This family needs to do some reading on the subject, There are many resources out there. A family counselor who isn't well-educated about adoption issues will not be helpful.

Unless you walk in an adoptee's shoes you cannot judge their actions. After all, the adoption decision is made without the consent of the child. We also resent being treated like children after we are adults. Noah is a 34-year-old adult able to make his own choices and decisions.

Noah is fortunate that he knows his birth father and didn't have to search a bureaucratic maze to obtain any information. Laws have been passed in several, not all, states allowing adoptees to get important information about their birth families that is necessary for taking care of ourselves and our own children. -- DEBBIE IN FLORIDA

DEAR DEBBIE: Your letter reflects the strong sentiments of many adoptees and their families who wrote to me expressing their disappointment in my reply to Noah's adoptive father. Here are some of their responses:

DEAR ABBY: I am an adoptive parent in an open adoption with our children's birth families, and I vehemently disagree with what you wrote.

My children have two mothers and two fathers. My husband and I are the parents who are raising them, but that slip of paper signed by a judge does not erase their family of origin. It shouldn't. They have an adoptive family and a biological one and should be able to have a relationship with both.

My children also have two names. The names they were given at birth and the names my husband and I gave them when we adopted them as infants. They will always know about these two sets of names. When they are older, if they wish to be called by their birth name, we will have to respect that. It does not mean they love us less or that we are not their parents.

What is does mean is that adoption is more complicated than most people realize, and as our children grow into adults, we need to give them the space and freedom to discover for themselves who they are. -- AN ADOPTIVE MOTHER IN ILLINOIS

DEAR ABBY: I agree with you 100 percent! How horrible, disrespectful and mean-spirited of that 34-year-old son. I understand why he is interested in the family history of his biological father, but he could record that history for the future without changing his current surname. Doesn't Noah realize his biological father was an adult who made up his mind to give up his rights to his son, including the rights to his last name? If Noah doesn't respect his adoptive father for giving him his last name, and if Noah is set on changing his surname, it would be more respectful to take his mother's maiden name as his surname. I hope Noah reconsiders the issue he's creating, and at 34 he makes a wiser adult decision than his biological parent did. -- PHYLLIS IN OHIO